I’m a F, and my client counterpart (M) would subtly flirt with me. He is a VP almost twice my age and it’s slightly making me uncomfortable... (cont’d)

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Well there’s an array of body language and speech hints that one can give to show no interest, for example ignoring the remarks as if they weren’t said, no smiling, no eye contact , etc.

I’ve even gone as far as saying “This is making me a little uncomfortable, can we go back to [insert work topics].

likehelpful

No, she couldn’t be perceived as dramatic, because this isn’t dramatic.

Hi OP, female partner here. I am sorry you have to deal with this.

I would do three things based on your “subtle” description.

1. I wouldn’t physically or verbally engage in responding to those comments. Don’t smile, don’t say thank you. Move on to the next business related topic. We are conditioned to be polite to compliments, not all compliments are acceptable. Disengagement works wonders usually.
2. Bring someone else to the meetings with you; it’s always a good idea anyway for any situation - one head talks, the other observes and brings different perspective. Also don’t accept any invites for 1:1s off site.
3. Give your Partner a heads up. Basically told him what you’ve shared with us. Partner, wanted to give you a heads up that I’m not quite comfortable with some of the comments Client has been making. I don’t think they have crossed the line and I’m managing it, but I wanted to make you aware that it is uncomfortable and ask you for advice. If you do want action whether now or later, mention that as well. Eg is there another role on the project or maybe a person who can help your responsibilities. This gets you cover and makes the Partner keep an eye out on this client and other interactions. This way if the client complains about your performance or this escalates, they know there was precedent.

likehelpfulsmart

Thank you P1. Really great advice, I’ll take them into consideration. Much appreciated!

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Oh that’s hard ... super inappropriate ....but also not offensive per se! I’ve been there 💁‍♀️ and I’ve put up with it earlier in my career. Not sure what the right answer is.

Everyone can say oh that’s so wrong (and it is) and he shouldn’t do that but also the reality of our business is relarionships...

I think you might consider being upfront and saying, “I know you don’t mean any harm, but that makes me a little uncomfortable” ... have a feeling he’ll back off. Any normal person would. The twice your age thing is a little next level.

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E2- good point. I took P1’s advice as general guidance and a good way to escalate without having to directly engage.

I’m glad it went well for you. I stand corrected but more often than not it does not go well.

Early in my career, I had a Sr VP at work tell me on certain days I looked really nice. I worked out a pattern that it was when I was wearing a red v neck blouse ( not revealing) however he seemed particularly complimentary than other days. It somehow was a trigger for him. I was perceptive enough to see a pattern and stopped wearing the top. I also told him straight out I was uncomfortable when the conversation over lunch went somewhere it shouldn’t. He never overstepped that boundary again. Some men are idiots (primal, see with their eyes) and luckily it’s some of the older generation. I give you this long story because I thought of my experience when I heard yours. I think he genuinely sees an overachiever/ talented young woman and he is impressed. It’s old school silly talk when they say all the guys must want you. It doesn’t mean he wants to be with you necessarily, he might think you would have been a good catch back in the day.

Here’s my suggested responses after all of that background.

1. Thank you for recognizing my potential. I’ve worked hard to get this far. I’d prefer not to receive these kinds of compliments ( insert his comment) Instead if you would like to tell my partner that you appreciate my dedication and hard work that would be welcomed.
2. After his comment ( great to see young woman thriving) .. you could ground him by saying after a pause, your “daughter” important to relate yourself to his daughter, let him identify with the situation, your daughter studies x in y college, right?, I’m sure she will be successful too and be admired in her field.

You got this. Partner 1 gave great advice.

likehelpful

Thank you so much SM1 - I’m really going to think about these!

He’d make comments like “It’s great to see a young, bright, and beautiful women thrive like yourself!”, “You must have so many men going after you”, etc. Will never pass up a chance to shower me with compliments on my femininity. He’d also look at me with those type of ‘vibes’.

No tangible harassment of any kind, and there’s nothing explicit for me to call out either... I need to maintain a good relationship though, as I’m the consultant for his division, and liaise with him often. How would you address this?

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He is likely doing this with other women on his team as well. I would check in with a few of his women colleagues and reportees to see if its a trend (I'm pretty sure it is) and then have them escalate to their HR to get his a$$ fired. I understand this may sound too aggressive for most people, but just saying what I would do..yeah, Im a mean bi*ch when it comes to harassment 🤷‍♀️

likeupliftingfunny

Definitely inform your engagement manager or partner. They will know how to deal with this

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I’ve gotten feedback that you should try really hard not to brush it off quickly. A lot of women are programmed to laugh or smile to make the other party feel comfortable despite our own discomfort at comments or behaviors. Instead, without causing any professional harm to yourself, do not engage, and allow him to sit with his uncomfortable comments for a bit. Hopefully he realizes what he’s doing. Most people don’t understand what a harmful impact these seemingly small actions towards women can have. If we want to have more women remain in the workplace, small steps can make a big difference.

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Why not just show him that he’s making you uncomfortable?

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'Huh' or 'okay' in a time of voice that conveys 'that's a weird thing to say,' then ignore it. Just pretend he didn't say it. You could also do sarcastic comments. "Yup, I'm beating them off with sticks." "Don't forget brilliant and humble." Basically, don't engage on his terms and try to avoid having any kind of serious Talk about it. Your goal is for him to drop it without making him feel called out and retaliating.

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Yeah this is a tricky one. I would say something to the extent of, “I know you have complimented me on my appearance in the past, but I would feel more comfortable if we could just talk about work-related topics from now on.” If he does it again I would act like he never said anything and change the topic quickly. If he persists then bring it up to your manager or HR.

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Do you know if he is married?

funny

Why does that matter?

If it is making you uncomfortable, it has to be dealt. Dont dilute this. See all the responses and talk to your leadership and ask them the advice and let them deal with it. Sorry the workplace and the world is full of these. Most humans are pervs (in my opinion and including me), just that some are bold and the rest keep it within themselves. However this is unacceptable.

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Honestly don’t read into it too much. He’s just trying to be friends with you and is a bit awkward. Just play along. Only report it if it gets really bad. Seems playful at best right now.

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It is obviously making her feel uncomfortable enough post it here and thinks about more than should be required. Telling her to play along could be an HR issue.

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Need specifics - 'subtly' won't go far with any HR investigation.

Please refer to my reply below. And I’m not looking to ruffle feathers here, just want everyone involved to be comfortable and respected.

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