I’m a first generation Chinese immigrant with a 4 year old. Trying to figure out how to raise my child. While the Chinese education system was very competitive, I grew up in a relaxed environment (no expectations from parents). I’m trying to do the same with my child - will provide resources but don’t want to force expectations (eg play piano to a certain level, go to Ivy League etc.) I found most other Asian parents are still competitive and I wonder how long my thinking can last. Thoughts?

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1st generation Chinese American immigrant here with three young kids. Just my perspective and approach.... With time being a precious commodity between work and family time I throw a bunch of activities at them when they are young and see what sticks from swim, tennis, t-ball, soccer,piano, basketball, kumon, chess club, etc. From that you will see what their interest and natural ability to pick up stuff. Both sons love tennis enough becuz it’s a good dad/son bonding time, the younger one is a natural athlete Oldest son is getting good at piano which boosts his confidence. In addition he wants to be YouTube gamer so starting explore as a project how to be one. My daughter (youngest one) is still figuring out her path but she loves reading and puzzles. Lastly Chinese school on Saturday is non negotiable for now until they really demand no more. 2nd and native Language is that one assert they can use when they are adults in the world (business, travel, and culturally). They will hate me for that but they will thank me later. I wish I had kept up my Chinese language skills. It would have opened more doors for me. Call me dragon dad but I would rather try something once on them vs not trying at all. You never know what gifts and interest they will possess. Academically that is a different story...my goal is just for them to be good enough in the pack in a school district that is the best in the state.

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The entrepreneurial growth mindset pragmatic is key. I know lots of smart kids that are just efficient robots that can repeat what they learned and only what they learned. I agree with the grit perseverance too.

Too much pressure just for "grades" as opposed to learning and growth. Academic success doesn't always relate to life success however that is defined differently for different people. Personal growth, happiness etc is key. I think I had a good balance.

For some reason I was pretty successful academically and I'd like to think professionally. I did not have tiger parents or that type of pressure - if you don't have straight A's youre a failure to family... But I did have the lack of praise though. So maybe it was internal pressure to be praised. Hey mom and dad, I got 6 A's and B+. OK that's good...

Im trying to teach my pre schooler how to solve problems for himself think up ideas. Build self confidence not give up. Don't always need mommy and daddy to do everything for him.

I don't want to pressure him to academic circus for good grades so I can brag to other parents /relatives.... However wife is that way and tiger mom... So I'd like to balance that.

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Congrats you’ve become a regular American 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

No expectations for your child 😂

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Lol first gen immigrant here as well. Don’t have children yet but I’m worried I’d be super disappointed if they were not academically exceptional lol....Studying is almost too easy compared to other things in our lives that are out of our control. I think children definitely need some push from parents, they’re too young to understand what’s good for them. But to me it is crucial to talk to them and explain why you want them to do certain things, instead of just forcing them to follow your orders.

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Unfortunately inheritance of intelligence does not always work that way...it’s random combination of chromosomes and can lead to a wide spectrum of outcomes...my thinking was to aim low and get wherever they can get; but I think your philosophy of aim high and get at least somewhat high makes sense (just different expectation management approaches)

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Following,as an Indian immigrant...

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Let them do what they want to do but give them lots of opportunities to try out. My parents never forced anything on me either but instilled an interest in exploration and learning by letting me run with whatever was my interest at the time. I think it has helped me in the long run as I always enjoyed participating in activities throughout school and became a “lifelong learner” with a growth mindset. I find that lots of AA parents instill fixed mindsets in their kids early on which can have long lasting impact

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Also - I think the ability to play music is like muscle memory and you need to be trained from childhood. When you master one instrument, others make much more sense and become easier to learn too. Like swimming, etc. If your kids show any talent, I think you’re doing them a favor by giving them some discipline to learn. Not to send them into any professions, just for their own benefit - not everything has to do with money

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Indian - yes the world has changed so much and every person need to find their own pace and interest. I would rather have a relaxed happy and content child that grows to be a happy person than a stressed adult who measures his life by number of degrees from Ivy League colleges.

likesmart

Love it! Same

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Teach them to be decent human beings, be kind and nice and have a good heart. Also, be resilient and willing to learn (growth mindset). Everything else is gravy.

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Got a kid on the way, no longer poor like my parent was when they raised me but I do have some expectations of my kid, not as high but at the minimum they will have knowledge to get a decent job so if some shit happens to me they won’t be working at a Kroger the rest of their lives.

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As the child of “low expectations” immigrant parents, I sometimes wish they had pushed me harder... like of course I didn’t want to study or practice an instrument or whatever but I actually did grow up wishing I had a stronger basis. Feels like once I realized how competitive it is out there I was already behind in the race vs. other Asian kids lol.

Not advocating for tiger parenting and I recognize my one-sided perspective, but do think too much freedom can backfire as well.

helpful

It’s a tough balance, probably a little different for each family

I think that’s the right thing. My parents are like that and they deliberately wanted me to go to worse schools so I wouldn’t have too much pressure. Growing up like that let me be very autonomous, making my own decision. I used sign up for weekend classes myself and decided to come to the US by myself. A lot of super strict parents’ kids started to underperform after college because they used to be driven by parents not themselves. It’s the better way for the long run. If I have kids, I would send them to an average public school with no competition

Does first gen immigrant mean that your parents have moved from Asia?

There’s less ambiguity for the term “first generation immigrant”- that refers to the immigrant. Second generation immigrant refers to the child of the immigrant. And third generation immigrant refers to the grandchild of the immigrant. And so on.

I think you’re referring to the more ambiguous term “first generation American”. People commonly use the same term for two separate meanings.
1st meaning- the actual immigrant to the US (first generation to become American)
2nd meaning - the child of immigrants to the US (first generation born in America)

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