{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "I’m a full-time student (undergrad) & interning while my boyfriend is working FT. We just moved in together (we’ve been together for 5 yrs). I have a higher net worth than him & actually make more than him at my internship. I don’t have any debt while he still has student debt. Thus, he expects me to pay more (we are 50/50 on rent then I pay for all groceries and most of the dates). I was fine w/ it but when he paid for a few things and asked me to pay him back 50/50 I got a bit irked?", "post_id": "61357d57928520002cc545b6", "reply_count": 38, "vote_count": 3, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting", "feed_type": "bowl" }
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I’m a full-time student (undergrad) & interning while my boyfriend is working FT. We just moved in together (we’ve been together for 5 yrs). I have a higher net worth than him & actually make more than him at my internship. I don’t have any debt while he still has student debt. Thus, he expects me to pay more (we are 50/50 on rent then I pay for all groceries and most of the dates). I was fine w/ it but when he paid for a few things and asked me to pay him back 50/50 I got a bit irked?

likehelpful
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I’ve been in this relationship before. We were college sweethearts, dated for 10 years and then I married him. Divorced in less than 2 years (and sadly, still paying his student loans that I co-signed for). Be very careful. I know it may seem like your relationship is great outside of finances, but your SO sounds like he has some underlying insecurities and they will surely manifest into bigger problems down the road. The manipulation and gaslighting only get worse. Believe me. Just know that right now, 5 years feels like a lot of sunk cost, but it’s nothing compared to the rest of your life. If you wanna talk, feel free to DM me.

likehelpful

SAME. Except we were together for 8 years and luckily I didn’t marry him. I just supported him 100% for the 5 years after I graduated college. He was “in school” the whole time we were together, never had a job, never graduated, never contributed, and when I would bring it up, he would gaslight me and I would end up comforting him! It’s crazy!!! Get out while you can. I’m so thankful I got out before we got married or had kids.

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What is going to happen when your internship is over?

One solution is if he doesn’t want to spend money on dates, then do something he can afford until he’s on better financial footing. And for groceries, do you have particular things you like that he doesn’t? It’s possible he is ok with 99c store food if you’re a Whole Foods shopper? If so he may be resisting spending more than he thinks is necessary

Future advice, don’t disclose your income or net worth to any man until you’re married and it becomes legally his. And even then, I suggest keeping yours/mine and ours accounts.

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Girl don’t you DARE pay off his student loan debt. I don’t give AF that you’ve been together for 5 years. Also stop letting him take advantage of you.

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Do not pay his debt!!

Set yourself up to be financially independent and live in a situation you are financially comfortable with. His debt is irrelevant and not your responsibility.

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OP you sound way too nice for your own good. He is absolutely taking advantage of you. $20k is nothing and you shouldn’t be punished for having no debt. I’d have a legit talk with him that everything needs to be 50:50, and if he pushes back, I’d leave

likesmart

He's manipulating and gaslighting you. This is not good. Please be very careful about what you pay for moving forward.

likehelpful

He sounds extremely manipulative. I take back what I said about the 50:50 talk. Just leave

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You’re an intern and he’s taking financial advantage. Every couple is different and everyone needs to set their own norms. In this instance I don’t know why anything other than 50/50 finances would be the expectation, and split 50/50 on chores too.

Your SO’s inability to afford his own lifestyle and debt is not your responsibility.

likesmart

I don't feel kind typing out a long message so I'll say what you already know.

This is not a relationship. It's baggage. Leave him and stop dating people who cannot value you the way you want, including financially. It's not shallow, it's LIFE.

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Leave him. He’s manipulative and taking advantage of you. I get that you’ve been together for 5 years but you’re very young and need to become financially independent and graduate from college and build your own life. He will drag you down - don’t let him.

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Wow you are his meal ticket

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Girl, I would get out of this roommateship with benefits and wouldn’t call this a relationship. Please do not pay his debt for him, he is using you and doesn’t value you. Save your kind heart and soul for something that’s worth it. I mean this with all my heart for you ❤️ I can tell you are a truly loving caring woman and these 50% and you pay for our dates is just so wrong

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More context: he’s sweet and does most of the cleaning while I do all the cooking. I just felt annoyed because it feels like he always guilt trips me because he has student debt (which is only $20k) while I don’t have any (thanks to tons of scholarships I got for school). I worked hard in school all my life. Anything he wants, I usually get it for him. Any of his endeavors, I would throw money at him to help him. But when he pays for a few things and goes to calculate it all and then demands me to pay him back and says “I actually didn’t calculate it exactly, the amount you have to pay me back is actually more but you can just give me this much” and then he exclaims “you know I don’t have money and I’m in debt” but I feel like it’s so silly since he’s only $20k in debt which should be easy to pay back in 1 or 2 years. I was even thinking about paying it all for him but I don’t know anymore. I just felt so annoyed because I pay for most things so why is he nitpicking at the little he pays?

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Why would you pay his debt??! You think his behavior will change when he’s debt-free? It would probably not. Tit-for-Tat people are just that, and they will never change regardless of their circumstances. Chances are he’s going to be like this forever so if you can’t take it, leave him.

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I would not pay more, but 50/50 on everything seems fair to me. I definitely would not pay off his loans.

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When I told him “I pay for almost everything” he got super offended and proceeded to say all the things he payed for (like my gas). Keeping in mind, he doesn’t have a car, so I also drive him everywhere and he uses my car too. I saw a post on here about paying 50/50 and it made me realize how much I pay for things. I just feel conflicted and scared to bring it up with him because he always starts making me feel bad by saying he’s “a loser and pathetic for me and makes no money.” And it just turns into me comforting him. All other aspects of my relationship is good except for finances and I don’t know what to do.

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That is called gaslighting. Oh honey. You are so much better than this. I can sense that you know it too. If your friend was coming to you with this, what would you tell her?

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Finances are the #1 reason for break ups/divorces.

I would budget your money and limit your expenses. The probability of you spending more in this relationship than him is high.

Also, his debt is his issue. He should not guilt trip you. You also should feel like it’s a bad thing that he has debt, he made a decision and he needs to pay for the consequences.

I would do 50/50 all the way if he’s been an Asshole.

I would run though… imagine once you get married. You’ll pay for everything and he’ll say that you think you own him…no thanks.

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Obviously don’t know all your circumstances but seems like it could be finances it where it starts. I’d have some pretty frank conversations around expectations. Try not to fall into the emotional trap and make sure you bring it up later or make it known that this is bothering you and important. I don’t mean to be cynical but finances are a pretty important foundation to be on the same page on.

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Don’t pay for his debt.

If you want the relationship to work, you HAVE to set your boundaries around finances. 1st sit him down and tell him what you are feeling. He needs to actually step up his game. If he can’t earn more, than he needs to know that you cannot be the one to take all the weight. If this continues and you have children, how much financial weight is he going to take on with you.

You are a person and while you can pay for dates, I am pretty sure you don’t want to pay for them all of the time because it’s REALLY nice when your partner plans things A to Z to make you happy. There’s nothing wrong with that. If he doesn’t have the common sense to understand this, it might not work out. He shouldn’t gaslight you just because you’re saying something that may make him a bit uncomfortable.

He needs to grow up and take responsibility. If he wants to pay off his debt, help him make a plan to pay it off using his money.

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Read the millionaire next door - it talks about how spouses and partners are a huge factor for whether you become wealthy or not. It sounds like he’s great in a lot of ways but not when it comes to finance matters. I think you should figure out what you want him to pay for and what you want to pay for and then have a convo. If he can’t meet then there’s tons of guys who will splurge on you.

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Money always reveals people’s true nature.

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Girl, I just had a friend divorce her man cause he wouldn’t take responsibility for his student debt and she at a point started paying for it. Do not go down this path!!! He could be the nicest dude ever but it’s not your responsibility!

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pls wake up. Focus!

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