{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "I’m from a low-income family, the only one who went to college) and already make more @25 (140k) than my blue-collar parents ever did in their life. There is clear resentment, judgment, jealousy from family regards to my life/ income to where I stopped sharing vacation plans/ posting about my adventures. Has anyone else been in this position? How do you manage it?", "post_id": "6255ee6344d09c002683e168", "reply_count": 266, "vote_count": 159, "bowl_id": "552d1d24dc1c586b09d2d051", "bowl_name": "Consulting", "feed_type": "crowd" }
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I’m from a low-income family, the only one who went to college) and already make more @25 (140k) than my blue-collar parents ever did in their life. There is clear resentment, judgment, jealousy from family regards to my life/ income to where I stopped sharing vacation plans/ posting about my adventures. Has anyone else been in this position? How do you manage it?

likeupliftinghelpful
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I am going to be in this position soon. I already make a little more than both of my parents, and I’m only child, but I also know I make more than all of my immediate relatives on my dad’s side of the family — and soon it will be significantly more than all of them. My cousins and I grew up fairly close, but one of my first cousins who is 7 years older than me has always resented me most of my life (she’s kind of a screw up, barely graduated high school, went to one of those for-profit type of like skilled nursing programs in her late 20s, has two kids out of wedlock with a guy we don’t like, etc.) We got in a massive fight at Thanksgiving about something totally unrelated and haven’t been speaking. I live basically my dream life — live where I want, by the beach, am single, no kids yet — and I know that when I am even more obviously outearning her by about $60-70k in a year or two (and honestly may be even more with profit sharing and bonuses) it’s going to make the divide even bigger.

We have fairly wealthy second cousins — and she’s always commenting on everything they’re doing, wearing, places they’re going, etc. because she is so obviously jealous — so even though the judgment/resentment won’t come from my parents who are very proud of me, I can totally relate. Her mom, my aunt, will also likely be resentful as well — she’s always tried to act like she is also a “mom” to me (even though she drives me nuts) and I think it’s because both of her kids don’t fit in a traditional definition of “successful” and I do — so she’s tried to stake some claim in that she’s influenced my life so at least one of her “kids” is.

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I'm an American also from a low income family that moved to Paris and then London. I have some of what you're talking about and some experiences that differ.

I was never close to my family growing up and due to poor parenting I don't have a feeling of responsibility towards my parents or to take care of them as they age.

That being said, my extended family has their judgements over me globetrotting as they've barely left the state, and I also noticed very quickly on my first trip home that no one really responded when I told them about my traveling. I didn't mean it as gloating but I think because it's something they've only dreamed of it comes off as gloating. So now whenever I visit, I just ask them about themselves and their lives, and whenever they talk about how awesome my life must be I basically say "yes I'm very lucky, but at the end of the day I still have to clean my house, work for money, and complain about the traffic, news and weather. It's not nearly as glamorous as it sounds".

If anyone wants to know more, they ask point blank, otherwise my conversations are very general, as if it could have happened down the street. For example if I have a story to tell, I would skip the scene setting and go straight into the anecdotal "my friend at this bar...." Instead of "in this little town outside of London there was this cute little pub, where .... and my friend...."

Anything that has to do with the privilege of my life (for example making enough money to afford things that my family can't, or having more time off because I live in the UK, etc) I just say "yes, I am incredibly lucky" because at the end of the day I am.

Did I work my butt of to get here? Yes. Did I make better choices than some? Yes. But that doesn't change the fact that the experiences I had in my life molded me in a way that drove me to make those choices. I had more resources, and I don't mean money. For some reason as a kid I was interested in school when no one else in my family was. Maybe a teacher was extra nice and taught me that I feel valued when I perform well? I don't know, one for therapy I'm sure, but someone gave me the resources to care about school. And then school became a resource that I had better access to than family. So many things happened in my life, including luck of being at the right place at the right time and ready to pounce on an opportunity, that has made my life turn out differently.

So some of my family resents me for having a more privileged life than them. I can't blame them, and I won't run it in their face, nor will I defend myself as there's nothing to defend.

"You're right, I'm so fortunate to have had these opportunities." Generally continues the conversation while shutting down the criticism.

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Extremely well said

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I manage it by having rich parents 💃

likefunnysmartuplifting

Plot twist, you’re adopted

funny

I’m in the same boat as you but my parents and family are very proud of me and no matter how much I make, they’ll love me the same. Hope it works out for ya

likeuplifting

Right, I think it comes down to poor parents and rich parents can be crappy parents, who are jealous of their children!

The strategy is wrong. Double down on the posting and sharing. Bring your own waygu to bbq, etc.

likefunnysmartuplifting

Now we’re talking!!

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Easy. Stop posting your consumption on social media. No one needs to know what you do with your free time

likefunnysmart

@mckinsey5 I feel that lol. It’s a mixed feeling, on one hand parents invested money to raise you but on the other hand that’s what they’re supposed to do.
Can’t really blame d4 for feeling like that. Also sometimes family can be super toxic

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My single mother was very successful and gave us the best of everything. Then when I was in college she married a man who embezzled most of what she worked so hard for. After that I helped whenever I could. Plane tickets for trips she couldn’t entirely afford. Dinners out. A new compute when hers got too old. My mother is gone now. I would give all of what I have worked so hard for to spend just a little more time with her. Of course you do you but maybe a change in perspective will make you feel differently.

likeuplifting

I took my mom to France 3 years ago and Greece last year. Some of my family think it’s crazy but I will never regret the memories.

My condolences on the loss of your mother.

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I slowed down on sharing plans with mine too even though they don’t resent me and are quite proud. I just don’t want to rub too much salt in their wound, they did their best to raise me as a first Gen American and I’m grateful for that. Helping my siblings set their career paths to become high earners as well so I’m not on an island.

likeupliftingsmart

Love this. Might be too late for your parents but all their kiddos eventually being high earners makes their life of work worth it. Take them on a vacation or 2 or help them retire a bit early as a cherry on top

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My mom told me I wasted my college degree by getting a job that only paid $50k. In fall 2010, when jobs weren't exactly growing on trees.

I got my first raise the next year, to $65k, and she told me that it wasn't impressive because my dad made $165k as a public official (never mind that he was at the pinnacle of his career, as a 60 year old man. I stopped sharing my salary raises after that.

She scoffed at the house my wife and I bought at age 26, since it was so small (we didn't want to over extend ourselves, so we got a place that we could easily afford on just my wife's salary) - we must be poor, her logic went.

I'm not going to lie and say that it just rolled off my back
It didn't. It lit a fire under me to do better and better; I've had to control myself so that I make calculated career decisions, not just look for the highest paycheck available at the time.

likeupliftinghelpfulfunny

I think it is great that you bought a house that you could afford on one salary. That's very smart. You will become wealthy by not over extending yourself. So sorry you had these experiences with your mom. I am a mother of 3 grown children and I would be proud of where you are at this point. Great job being smart with your money.

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Yeah I essentially stopped talking to my dad and step mom over it. I made more at than their combined income when I was 25 and it just got too uncomfortable. They didn’t have the maturity to get past their insecurities and I wasn’t going to feel bad for being successful so it got easier to just avoid the situation. It’s probably been 10 years now. I feel bad sometimes and then realize the phone works both ways and if they cared that much they’d call me.

likehelpfulsmart

Im shocked at how prevalent this issue is. Personally, it has made me feel so much less alone in the problem, hearing that others have struggled with the very same thing. Doesn’t make it better, but at least i know I’m not alone.

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Do you give back to ur family. Parent specifically. I give about $500 from my paycheck to my parent each month. They don’t need it but it’s a show of appreciation. That might stem some of the resentment.

likefunnyhelpful

I spend 500 on scotch every month

likefunny

Where are you making 140 at 25 👀 refer me?

likesmart

I’ll be making $150k at 25 at a big 4— just need to job hop

Similar, but my immediate family is mostly just very proud, now my extended family is a different story. I just don't share too much info with them.

likesmart

Very much the same

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Don’t share if you don’t feel comfortable with them. Your parents should want you to go further in life than they did. So sorry if that’s not the case

likesmart

Exactly.

I don’t earn much. Half of you! Still my parents are so proud. They always pray for me that will be more successful. And am 29 🙂

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Mine finally told me they were proud of me once I got this job (first time I felt they were genuine). Happiest moment of my life.

Good luck! I’m sure the offers will keep going up.

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I have cousins in a third world country and they follow me on social media. I used to post pictures of my food because I go out to eat a lot, I used to have the camera eats first mentality. (Fine dining/Michelin star restaurants). I stop posting pictures of my food because I didn’t want them to feel some type of way.

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Don't let how others feel dictate your life. If you want to post a picture of your food then do it. Let them block you if they want

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I tell my mom because she doesn’t care and I take her nice places. I would never tell my dad. He things anyone making six figures is the devil. I make $500k and he has no idea.

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I am no longer at S& I work in corp dev

But yes we do pay more than Deloitte

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I have experienced this. I do scale back sharing things, although this varies with each relationship. My dad is super proud of me and we are close, so I share things. My mom is jealous and judgmental so I don’t.

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Building boundaries with people who are not supportive is always important. Also, empathy can go a long way if you see that the income gap is that large and you’re flexing on them 😅

like

When you say family are you talking parents/siblings or extended family?

likefunny

I read that. A3 posted a ridiculous comment I agree. I just read yours as being “widely outraged” in a generalized way, and that is classic among survivors, so I apologize for the assumption.

likeupliftingsmart

Not family, but I learned in life just how envious people can be. Have an intelligent thought? People will try to make you appear dumb. Accomplish something great? People will downplay it. Lots of people like you? There’s always someone waiting to catch you slipping and make you appear like the worst person in the world.

People are judgey. People are envious. Like the saying goes, “They want to see you doing good, but not better than them”, and it’s true. It’s why I live life lowkey. Life is better when no one knows what you’re up to and the only people that know about your wins, are the ones that matter.

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