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Asians in Consulting

I’m graduating this year, and have been dating a guy for almost 2.5 years. We love each other and it’s definitely a serious relationship. Both our parents love us very much. As much as I think a lot about our future, sometimes I wonder if it is too early to get married or commit to someone at 22. (Ie wondering if he “is the one”). The awkward thing was last night when video chatting with my mom, she suddenly told us that we should get married as soon as I find a job lol. I suddenly feel this bur

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Don’t get married out of pressure. The questioning will never stop. As soon as you’re married, they’ll ask when you’ll have a kid, then when you’ll have a second. (Thankfully my parents never did this to me but I have relatives who did). I married my college bf but we waited until 28 to get engaged and 30 to be married. I was probably ready a couple years sooner than my husband but I think by us not rushing into marriage, we were able to mature and grow as individuals and realize we still wanted to be with each other for life vs getting married young because that seemed like the logical next step or what society dictates.

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Take your time. Your post could have been written by me when I was 22, minus the parental pressure. I was dating my BF for 2 years, loved him a lot, parents liked us too. I could see him being the one. Fast forward half a year, after I graduated and started a PhD programme, I met a new bunch of people and discovered a different side to myself. I realised that while we were great together in college, what I wanted for my future changed, while his vision the same. We broke up half a year after I started my PhD. This won't necessarily happen to you, but I'd advise you to give it a bit more time before making a decision that could be extremely painful and difficult on you if it goes wrong. Especially if you're having doubts now, getting pressured into it will make it worse. Btw, I'm 28 now and have been with a person who is a much better fit for me and the future that I see for myself, and we're talking about getting married soon :)

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Get married when you're ready. World's not a great place to bring kids into rn so wait on that until you're ready too. Starting a career is a big life change; see where your relationship is at after you've adjusted to a new life chapter.

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😊 thanks, and ya definitely i need to find a job first haha. This semester recruiting has been unsuccessful

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🙋🏻‍♀️ I got pressured into marriage at 25 and divorced 1.5 years later. The demands will never stop. Marriage, then kids, etc. I’m so happy I finally put myself first and decided that relationship isn’t right for me, no matter how perfect it looked on paper. You love each other but are you ready for a lifelong commitment? Not all love is the same, and only you can determine which relationship is worth investing. PM if you want to talk further, but regardless good luck with your decision! ❤️

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Thank you😊😊 the relieving side is that i am not faced with an ultimatum so i have time to figure out, but I always feel like its better sooner than latter

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Forever is a long time to be with someone - whether they are right or wrong. Part of making a relationship work is to align on the long term goals and talk through how you expect to resolve your differences. If you can’t say with certainty that he is definitely the one, don’t do it for your parents.

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Thank you. I agree with this, and tbh as much as we love each other, every time when we fight i just want to give up as those are the moments when we feel like we aren’t fit for each other. I think that our personalities are compatible but not sure if what we want in life (do we really know at this age lol) is the same, but that stems more from cultural differences

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if you date enough people, you will realize that finding someone to commit to a long term relationship is difficult. i broke up with my first love and i didn’t find my new love til 5 years later (even though i’ve dated several people on between). i would never leave my current boyfriend for an old flame, but keep in mind that the grass is not always greener. if you can see yourself your current boyfriend for life, don’t feel deterred or “tension within” just bc your parents are putting pressure on you to move quicker. go at your own pace. i’m asian american so i can sort of relate. your parents probably just want to lock down the family since it seems like the parents also get along. which is an especially hard thing to find.

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Yeah I completely agree, and tbh I don’t have the best personality once ppl get to know me (i am bad tempered, complain a lot, self centered, and a little bit pessimistic but the last factor is due to PTSD over another event) so i sometimes feel like one of the reasons why I don’t wanna let go is bc i could never find another guys who could tolerate someone like me. Of course i love him for who he is but another reason is how much he loves me. But speaking in terms of commonality, the old flame i once had was just very one sided (it was a secret crush i never revealed explicitly to that person), but we had the EXACT background - growing up in different countries, we are both neither culturally American Asian nor international Asian and can understand the pain of not having roots. I always fantasized if things had worked out between me and the other guy... but i try to not think about it

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I agree with all the other people here. You will both know when it is the right time to marry and definitely do not succumb to the pressure from your parents. Make the decision between the two of you when it’s right and even if something does happen to go wrong, you know it’s something you won’t turnaround to regret it was because it was pressure from parents / expectations that led you to that decision.

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😊 thank you

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...burden on top of everything else I have this semester with recruiting, grad school apps, etc. We are both international Asians, so our parents are very traditional - they believe that marrying early and starting a family early will give happiness. We are also not as “white washed” but more of a mix between western and eastern culture. I’m just struggling to set my mind clearly - I mean i love him and he loves me, but the fact that my mom said it so explicitly... suddenly just changed the tension inside me and I feel so stressed out lol. Idk how to clear my mind and guide myself through the process.

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Ugh parents... Several years ago, I would have thought "fuck yes, you are too young" but now I think... What does it matter if you are 15 or 30? If this is the person you want to be with, then be with him. I know people who married their first relationship and they look so happy. My point is... What will you gain by delaying the marriage, if that is what you want? Marry whenever you want but don't do it or stop doing it based on what others say but on how you feel. You may feel you are too young, but too young to what? Being married is just a title and a legal contract but asides from that, what do you think it means that makes you consider you are too young? Do you wanna travel europe solo and find yourself or stuff like that? I am all over the place; but... What do you want to do at your age that you feel you will not be able to due to marriage? I guess that is my question

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Haha funny story is that I did travel solo to Europe to find myself but unfortunately came back full circle I do want to explore the world out a bit, like work in Europe, etc and open to doing it together with him. However, due to citizenship status differences he cannot leave the US, so often times I feel constrained. Of course, I am willing and more than happy to sacrifice, but occasionally I also wonder if I’m missing out by committing to one person so early, esp if there is another guy that I’ve always had a secret crush on (i made a previous comment on this) because of a more similar background we have. Despite that, I don’t think I will ever find anyone else to get so close to, someone that loves and cares for me like how my bf does now. I am very lucky to find such a guy at my age.

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Lol our parents notion for me and my bf to get married every chance they get to. Me and him are both 27, been together for 9 years and still don’t feel the pressure only because to us getting married won’t change much except I guess Taxes? Do what you guys feel is right together. We have been focusing on our careers first, last thing We feel like doing is planning wedding.

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Fair enough!! And just curious, what about Texas that makes the relationship different

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I just turned 26 and My fiancée is 32. But I was the one who wanted to propose and get married. We have been engaged for 1 year now and no wedding in sight. But we also bought a car and a house together since we started dating 3.5 years ago. Age doesn't matter, experience does. I am more 'mature' than her despite her age being higher. Pick the person you want to be with, don't be pressured because of external 9.

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Thanks for your words. And yes, I’m definitely not pressured. I just have doubts on if this is the right one, i guess one can never know😁

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If you ready, go for it. If not, meet more people. This is wisdom.

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I can see your perspective, but unfortunately it isn’t a straight line if-then logic. I cannot simply “go meet more people” because that would imply breaking off the current one in attempt to seek something better. But one can never know😰

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When you date for too long and don’t get marry, sometimes you will never get marry. I dated my ex for 8yrs and always thought we’d get there one day. Well, we didn’t and never will. If you feel like it’s time, then pull the trigger. Treasure the moment because we are not promised tomorrow. Don’t let the “too young to get married” BS fool you. Trust yourself and your partner.

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Thank you! For some reason I always had the impression that ppl from this bowl would advocate the other direction - arguing that 22 is too young. I’m glad i received many perspectives outside of that. I’m curious about your situation- why did you guys never get there? Was it because you guys changed and grew apart? Would jt have been different if you pulled the trigger (but even so all factors the same wouldnt the main motivation be due to responsibility of a marriage)

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You are still growing up, human brain completely grows by 25 so don’t rush into getting married. Complete your education, get a job , save money and travel and explore with your bf or without him and if after 3-4 years you still love him as much as you do today then go ahead and marry. Asian mom of 14 years old would give the same advice to my kid too 😊

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