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Women In Consulting

I’m having so much anxiety because my fiancé and I are disagreeing over when to have a child. He wants to try now, and I want to try 2-3 years down the road. When I proposed this, he says (cont)

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Does he understand that you are not saying “no”, just “not now”? Dos he understands your reasons for eating to postpone? Do you know why he has that sense of urgency? Have you discussed what the sharing of the childcare load would be like? My husband and I started a similar discussion, I said I wanted to achieve some career goals before having kids so if I took maternity leave it would be easier to get back to work, he didn’t want to have them too old. We eventually reached an agreement, we’d wait until I made manager and he would take time off to become the primary care giver during the first 1-2 years so I could go back to work.

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Wow thank you SC1 and A2, yes, I brought these up to him and he came around to not having one at the moment. But this is an eye opening experience and makes me wonder about his impulsive personality and extra terror with this pandemic in which I’m not sure if it’s something that a man of the family should and could possess in terms of traits

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Meet in the middle? Not now and not in 3 years but maybe in 1 year you start trying. Assuming this is the only thing you guys don’t agree on and everything else is going well. It worked for us although I had to postpone one more year due to medical problems( you can’t plan this things) and he was very understanding. At the end of the day a kid is not something you can plan 100%. You don’t know if you guys can even get pregnant so no reason to make it so harsh. In my opinion the question is about is this the right person for you, in a marriage you need to compromise and support each other. My husband is 44 and I’m 27 I understand why he wants to have a child ASAP but he understands why I don’t. You both deserve that understanding

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My point is, my fiancé is 27 so I think he really should not be as in a hurry and I should be the one in a hurry but I’m not yet! These are supposed to be amazing things but it takes a village physically and mentally... so I appreciate both of your stories! 🙏

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I feel it's not a baby pb but like your fiancé is just panicking w the pandemic.

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Thank you so much for that!!! 🙏

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Just a note to all, sincerely everyone’s comments. You all are such practical, smart, and empathetic people and have provided me so much food for thought and calmness and provided immense comfort during this trying time. I’ll also be able to take these into usable comments and notes during our therapy session today. Whether if we work out or not, you guys have provided me with lots of amazing feedback thus far thank you

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not a reason to blow this away whole thing up. things change... you may want it sooner, he way want it later .. you guys are having an ideological battle, not a real life issue you’re trying to solve. Also, you’re a woman - you’re in control of this part. Tell him you’re trying now, and just don’t get knocked up. But really... now or in 2 yrs - what does it matter 🤷🏻‍♀️. Once you have it you’re not gonna be like -“oh yeah, I wish I waited a year”. Lol

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I guess I should clarify... I don’t mean blatantly lie, but I do mean, don’t attend to the situation “head on” ... otherwise you’re just arguing out of your ideological position and not trying to evolve the situation/conversation towards some kind of solution. No one is right or wrong here, but if you dig in your hills, you won’t head for the alter - and, that’s really no way to go about this (unless you have other problems).

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Yeah this is a communication issue and the baby topic is just a symptom. As a couple, you’ve got to be able to disagree without blowing up on tender topics, be able to have sensitive convos and show empathy and respect for each other even when you don’t see eye to eye. I’m glad you are going to see a therapist but I would caution you that you need to get to the root of the issue (which is NOT a baby) or you will keep having the same issue every time you disagree on something big. (Signed, someone who spent the first three years of marriage in this situation and then finally went to therapy and spent a year ‘fixing’ this).

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Yes!!!!! I’m not perfect and I need to work on myself. He is impulsive and can be unreasonable. We are working on it, and I have enlisted my own therapist too in addition to couples therapist. It really helps to get all their perspectives And yalls perspectives.

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When I proposed I want to think about it and try in 2-3 years, he says he does not want to convince me to have kids with him. We had a fight and I ended up breaking up with him. Although we’re not officially over yet, we’re seeing our therapist today. What do y’all think in terms of this?

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Sounds like a good topic to discuss with a therapist, privately or in marriage counseling. They can provide expert advice, although I’m sure many ladies here can contribute from their experience

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That’s so true!!! Thank you for that!!!

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