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Ugly F’ing beat down today
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My tea knows me so well…
Rising Star
Happy to DM. There is NO SHAME and judgement here. This is anonymous so spill away and get it off your chest. Stay strong OP. I will say this : you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t value or treat you right. Relationships are never equal, but they need to be equal-ish or you need to be happy-ish. I read somewhere : it hurts to walk away , but it hurts more to stay with someone who is not meant to be.
Kind of went through the same and recently just cut him off on New Years. It was so toxic that gave me chronic anxiety. Feel like so much weight has been lifted off my shoulders now.
Will echo this. Last relationship gave me non-stop anxiety. Breakup wasn’t fun but not having her in my life anymore has made me so much happier than when I was in the relationship. Best of luck, OP
Do you have family or friends you can lean on? A therapist? If you know this relationship isn’t right for you it’s time to start strategizing an exit, albeit carefully especially if there is abuse.
It’s a lot of emotional and mental abuse
Pro
OP - I was you. I know how to get out. DM me and I can help you mentally arm yourself. You can do it. Nobody deserves to go through this. You deserve happiness and love.
Godspeed. Sounds extremely difficult, I hope you are able to do what makes you happy 🙏
Enthusiast
I went through this many years ago in my first serious relationship. Nothing is as sweet as getting away from a toxic situation. If I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t have tolerated toxic behaviour for even a day. Wishing you positivity and strength! No one should make you feel the way you’re feeling
Enthusiast
Don’t be embarrassed. People are so quick to judge situations they are not in. And they would probably be handling it much worse than you are. Hugs.
Rising Star
THIS.
Enthusiast
Sorry you’re going through this OP. I always recommend that women read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. He is a therapist for men court-ordered into therapy, so his book discusses their motives and tactics. Obviously you’re seeing some of the abuse, but it’s helpful to recognize the little things, too, that they use to make you feel exactly the way you do right now. (Or watch Maid on Netflix.)
In practical terms, I’d plan on ghosting this relationship, rather than having A Discussion. Pick a date a reasonable time out. Quietly find a new place to live. If you don’t have family or friends nearby that can put you up, you can still do a lot of apartment hunting online. Hire movers if you can. Otherwise, pack as much as you can take with you and Just Go. He can find out then that you’re done. If you need to go back for more stuff, you can probably get a sheriff’s escort, if needed.
IDK if you have any privacy at all, but call a domestic violence hotline for some practical tips.
Don’t worry about anyone thinking badly of you for leaving. They aren’t in the position you’re in, and you can explain later, if you want. Or never. It’s your life and you get to call the shots on how you live it. Not him. Not your family or friends that he’s likely tried to isolate you from. You. Because it’s your life.
I have been in a mentally abusive relationship and that shame is so scary - especially because it’s part of what traps and isolates you. If you ever need to talk to someone who doesn’t know and can’t judge you, feel free to DM me. Getting out of this relationship will be hard and scary, and can continue to be so for a long while after leaving. But know it does get better. You will heal. You will find greater joy with yourself or a better partner. And your loved ones will support you, even if they don’t always say the right thing when they first learn about what you’re dealing with. Also therapy is a life saver!
I’m in the same boat… all the little things were never an issue until I realized I will have to deal with it for the rest of my life! But our families are already intertwined and it would feel like I was destroying so many hearts. But know one knows how trapped it feel. It’s like a total lose lose situation.
Pro
You need to do what’s best for you. Ultimately you will be the one who lives with this person…not them
Enthusiast
Do you need help?
I think at this point I have to help myself.
Enthusiast
OP - do you live with your SO?
Enthusiast
I have seen people go through this. Happy to chat and offer support. Feel free to DM
Is this a long term relationship? Do you live together?
Pro
I have a friend (female) that was married for 18 yrs and she finally had enough. He alcoholic and was a terrible person when he drank. And she finally had enough and left. Please don’t wait to leave if you are feeling like this. There will always reason not to leave. But it becomes a vicious cycle that you can never get out.
Damn!