I’m newly married and know my husband wants a child or two in a few years...however I am leaning toward not having any because I’m absolutely terrified of losing my personality and freedom. I am selfish I guess and can’t imagine my life revolving around one person. Before marriage I was still ok with one kid but now I might be changing my mind? How do I bring this up with the husband? Or do I keep it within me until we actually start trying (after year 3 of marriage as per him ideally)

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This is a serious topic that you need to bring up with him now. You can talk about it and agree to take time or it could be a deal breaker for him. One way or another I wouldn’t wait and deceive him for 3 years especially since it seems you have made up your mind.

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I think you should talk to him about it and learn to articulate your fears. I was terrified about losing “freedom” and my husband helped me map out exactly what I was afraid of losing and how to mitigate. Yes, I can’t randomly go to a bar in 10 minutes, but honestly how often did i do that anyway? My friends understand, and know to ask a few days in advance for happy hour (not Friday at 4 for happy hour at 5) so I can plan for a sitter or around my husbands schedule. If you have a supportive partner you don’t have to lose your personality and freedom. It might take more planning and of course you might not be able to do everything you did before, but you can still have a life.

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Also it’s totally ok if you realize you don’t want them! Just talk it out with him and make sure you are evaluating. “Freedom” is so generic - just evaluate what’s that means to you and what you would be losing and how to balance so you still get to do things you enjoy if you chose kids.

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This doesn't have to be a one-and-done decision - deciding whether, how, and when to start a family is a long process. You have time and he has time, if he's willing to work with you and wait as you both explore your feelings, hopes, and concerns. You're totally right that a baby will be a huge lifestyle and priority change for you, and it's absolutely ok that you don't want that now. But there is a chance that your preferences (and even your husband's) will change over time. The more sunlight you shed on your thoughts, and that he sheds on his, will let you both clarify with time where you're leaning. Getting concrete about what it would mean to your lives to have a baby might not even be something your husband has thought about. The more you talk about it and learn about it, and the more you both share your hopes and fears, the more likely you'll both end up in the same boat.

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Congratulations on your recent marriage! So many changes and at such an odd time in the world. My husband and I had agreed on the concept of a child with the unlikely potential for a second. We waited three and a half years after getting married before having a baby and that time was really special for us. We grew as a couple, took lots of cool trips, and went through different phases of wanting and not being sure if we wanted a kid. We kept it as an open conversation and also talked about what we would need (financially, job wise, personal goals, etc) before we would feel like we were in a place to start trying for a kid. I suggest bringing it up, but as an open conversation, not an ultimatum or final decision. I hope you enjoy this special time as a newlywed. No need to rush a baby!

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Absolutely this. You need to express all your feelings to your husband, it’s so important that you each know what the other is thinking and feeling. As PwC2 mentioned, how we feel is always changing over time, maybe you’ll feel more sure you don’t want a child, maybe you’ll start seeing “cute babies” everywhere and feel more ready. It’s important for the health of your relationship that you keep each other up to date with how you’re feeling, and obviously not just with this but everything. Your relationship will be so awesome and strong when you know each other super well like that.

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How certain are you about not wanting a kid? Is there a chance you might change your mind? Agree with early conversation now.

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I haven’t ruled it out. But I am leaning towards not having a child.

Work through “The Baby Decision” book together.

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Thanks!

Before we got married I made sure we were on the same page about having kids, 1-2. Once we were married my husband kept delaying wanting to have kids and even mentioned that he wasn’t sure he wanted them. We agreed to have children (and I didn’t give him an ultimatum) but I basically said that if he didn’t want to have kids at all that he needed to let me know because it wasn’t fair stringing me along. You need to have an open conversation with your SO from the beginning! Let them know how you feel. Being 4 years into a marriage, watching all your friends having kids, and having a SO saying they didn’t think want to have kids was extremely difficult. I wish he would have been open and honest from the point where he had doubts.

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