I’m really abusive to myself. The only thing that makes me happy is putting myself down. Why am I like this?

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Probably a childhood trauma that’s been hanging out in your subconscious for decades. I’m the same way, it’s like I’m addicted to a negative inner dialogue. Therapy!!!

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We talk about isolated events or even just minute patterns/situations from my life and how I perceived it and how this directs my brain to react or associate certain things certain ways. Kind of like discovering how your past effects your current mind. First step in many that eventually lead to changing associations or thought/action patterns and learning to undo things your brain taught you that don’t serve your mental health

I’m the same way, to the point that people notice that I do it frequently. It’s not healthy and every time you catch yourself doing it, tell yourself to stop (or tell that voice in your head to stop).

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Did you have good parents?

Mine also tried their best, but I feel they left me pretty emotionally stunted and I had to figure a lot out about healthy emotional behavior in my late 20s/early 30s. My dad was pretty explosive verbally and my mom insisted on staying with him while using all of her children to advance her need for validation. We didn’t really want for material things and we looked pretty good from the outside but I was pretty turned off emotionally.

I agree with the childhood trauma, but it could be so many other factors that compounded in your early years that were never addressed.

I think it's important to see a therapist cause he/she would help you identify what were the events that contributed and trigger such thoughts. There are things that I'm sure you're hesitant in sharing, but with a therapist you have full disclosure without judgement and that helps!

I noticed that you said you get "happy", by putting yourself down. I speculate you feel such way because at least it gives you some sort of control/reasoning in your life? You have no control of external factors, so blaming yourself at least grounds you somehow? But that's a problem, because maybe there ARE external factors that are affecting you and you truly are at no fault for the cards handed down to you. I experience that and still struggle with the idea of not blaming myself, but I have to acknowledge that I'm just in a crappy situation. So once you do, you slowly start to blame yourself less and realize you can and should take care of yourself! It's not an evil to do so!

I'm not sure if that helps, but I say this cause I can empathize with you. I struggled and still do, but talking with a therapist helped me understand myself more. Hang in there!

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