{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "I'm really good at taking constructive feedback and hardly ever take it personally but I switched teams early this year and everything discussed as a team, always feels like a personal attack. One of my team members constantly feels the need to call out my work and I get constant feedback from my manager about what I'm not doing right. \nI feel mentally tired trying to do my best work and keep them happy at the same time. I don't understand how to think about this in the right light.", "post_id": "6162ea93ed7ef4003571c8cf", "reply_count": 7, "vote_count": 5, "bowl_id": "58f8171d753e990016608c07", "bowl_name": "Women in Tech", "feed_type": "bowl" }

I'm really good at taking constructive feedback and hardly ever take it personally but I switched teams early this year and everything discussed as a team, always feels like a personal attack. One of my team members constantly feels the need to call out my work and I get constant feedback from my manager about what I'm not doing right.
I feel mentally tired trying to do my best work and keep them happy at the same time. I don't understand how to think about this in the right light.

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Woof. That’s rough, I’m exhausted for you! Trying to balance working plus pleasing others is two full time jobs. I don’t have personal experience w getting called out on a team call but I do have experience with feedback from a manager. Pretty recently, I was called “aggressive” when asking questions about how the team was changing our job roles. It was rough, and I don’t think I reacted well. I told my manager I don’t think he would call me that if I was a man.

I can only speaking from my experience, I know there are some things I could do better. I actually started therapy about it bc I’m sick of making my job my life. I’m guilty of letting the negativity at work seep into all aspects of my life.

All of this is a TLDR to say, what helps me is doing an inventory of the situation of the person/team. I write out who, what is the resentment, what it affects and what is my part. This helps me to delineate emotion from facts and find compassion for myself and others. And then it comes down to action and motive. Am I staying on a team bc I think I should, or because I want to be on the team.

I hope things get better for you 💫♥️

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Excellent content here.

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It might be worth thinking about in a couple of different pieces:
- when you remove tone from the message, is the feedback “legitimate” to you. Are these legitimate areas of improvement, or not.
- just like some people don’t receive feedback well, some people aren’t good at providing it. By the same token, different people need different types of feedback.
- I also was wondering if others on the team get similarly called out? Somewhat tangential, but provides context.

What I’d say is, if these are really are things you can improve, but you need it approached differently, make the suggestion to your manager (“I respond really well to feedback that looks like X, but I’m having trouble when it’s formatted like Y. You have valuable insights that I want to make sure I’m making the most of”).

If the feedback doesn’t resonate at all, I’d probably try to find another team. You’re not going to grow if you feel attacked.

I say this having been in both situations.

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So much goodness here.

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I hear you, some devs are jerks tbh.Tell your manager about it, it is their job to make employees happy and successful.

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"I can see you are giving feedback. I am hearing this as personal critique and would like to reflect it back on the work.
I heard you say ..... (make it about the work). Is that correct?"

Often this approach slows down the conversation, really slows down personal criticisms, and refocuses onto the work rather than the person.

Sometimes the other person indirectly learns some skills.

Sometimes you realize IT IS personal.

In all cases, you get more information so that you can take your own action.

It is exhausting and you got great suggestions above. We are here to support you. Good luck!

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How we say things (and not only what) also makes a difference: when I experienced the same, I analyzed my presence (the tone of voice, body language and my face expressions). I changed my way of communicating, and protected my expertise not being defensive but having a “happy high status”. Reasoning people by setting the boundaries. And it’s ok to take feedback personally, because we are humans. And some research says that we tend to take a positive feedback better rather than negative… Sometimes it’s not us, but them also :)

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