{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "I’m seriously dating and living with a woman who I love, that has some on going health issues. She currently pays out of pocket for health insurance because the ones offered through her job aren’t good. I offered to add her as a dependent on mine, which is top line insurance. How would you feel if your boyfriend did this for you?", "post_id": "62bf630e046919002adb8668", "reply_count": 52, "vote_count": 9, "bowl_id": "5e6fe1c31f5e51001d267e46", "bowl_name": "The Work-Life Bowl", "feed_type": "bowl" }

I’m seriously dating and living with a woman who I love, that has some on going health issues. She currently pays out of pocket for health insurance because the ones offered through her job aren’t good. I offered to add her as a dependent on mine, which is top line insurance. How would you feel if your boyfriend did this for you?

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I think this is a very sweet gesture. Talk to her about it before you do anything. My worry would be if the relationship didn’t last would she miss an open enrollment period and be without insurance for the remainder of the timeframe. Maybe you can draw up a simple agreement that you would continue to pay until the next open enrollment if this ever happened. Regarding what insurance to get you should ask her what her insurance needs are. Upcoming surgeries, high monthly RX bills, regular drs visits with low copays etc. Find a plan that works for what you need and call your doctors and see what companies the accept coverage from. I always signed up for the higher plans when I knew I would need extra coverage. ie having babies etc.
hope this helps.

First, you can’t just “add her” whenever you want. It would need to be during open enrollment or a qualifying “life event” which means marriage or registering as a domestic partner with the state you reside in. Many companies require the registration of domestic partnership in order to provide benefits to an unmarried partner even during the open enrollment period.

Registering as a domestic partner with the state comes with a whole other set of consequences which you need to be prepared for. Depending on the state, it’s equal to marriage in terms of how assets are considered.

You should look into what registering as a domestic partnership legally means for you in your state and decide if that is something you are prepared for before you even have the conversation with her about health insurance and part of that conversation should be about what it means for her too.

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My old self would question what’s the catch and probably decline because I’ve had partners use their good deeds against me. The woman I am working to become would feel seen and valued by my partner because he is willing to invest in something that can benefit us both down the road. As a woman with ongoing health issues and someone who struggles with mental health currently, it would validate and strengthen the safe space which is our relationship. I would definitely develop a greater appreciation for this man and want to find ways to reciprocate such unconditional love. I commend you OP for the support you are willing and able to provide for your partner ❤️

likehelpfuluplifting

I would feel so loved, but also nervous since I wasn’t married to them and I would be cautious of a power imbalance. But at the end of the day, I think you’re doing a great thing.

likesmart

Very loved!

likeuplifting

Talk to her about it and don’t make it like it’s a surprise or some kind of gift, just offer it and if she says no don’t pressure her or ask her why not. Just say hey I had an idea and you were free to say no and I won’t ask any questions, how about getting on my health insurance.

likeupliftinghelpful

I think asking why if she declined would be a great bonding moment 😳

helpful

If I’m being 100 percent honest, which I can be here since this app is anonymous, I would have mixed feelings in her shoes. I would #1 feel appreciative, but #2 kind of resentful of your better options / better job. That would be my shortcoming though, I’ve just always needed to do things on my own. I think it’s great that you’re willing to go to that extent to help someone you love.

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Yeah a little. Like I wish I had what you had, so I could get this for myself. Not proud that I would feel that way, but just honest.

likeuplifting

If it were me, and my boyfriend offered this I would feel a lot of things. First, I would feel ashamed that I couldn’t get it on my own, and my insecurities would make me feel like he was judging me. Later I would feel angry that he thinks I NEED his insurance, like he feels I’m not CAPABLE of handling my things on my own. Lastly, if I didn’t have an open conversation with him about my feelings before, I would absolutely feel like it was just a move to try to hold leverage over me.
None of these traits even come close to what my actual boyfriend is like, but these are thoughts that come through, due to past traumas.

funnylikeuplifting

That is definitely not a reaction I would expect.

Why not marry her and provide her with the legal benefits and protection that comes with it?

likefunny

I disagree completely. If they’re not ready for marriage there’s no problem with that. If people weren’t pushed to get married when they weren’t ready for things like healthcare or family pressure the divorce rate wouldn’t be outrageous.

likesmarthelpful

Wouldn't you have to get married first

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A domestic partnership is living together, just need to prove you live at the same address, share bills. I did this when I was a Federal employee for my boyfriend, wasn't cause he had health issues, was because it just made better financial sense for our overall household.

I’d feel cherished. This is extremely practical.

likeuplifting

Very curious to hear why you’re asking😂

likesmart

If by chance you’re trying to use this to prove to your girlfriend that you did nothing wrong - bad idea.

If that’s not where you’re going with this, then disregard this comment.

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You should really be leveraging this opportunity to get a prenup signed in anticipation of your relationship going further. If you give away dependent status for healthcare you lose some of your chips and thus, your bargaining power. Follow me for more tips an tricks.

funnysmart

I’d probably just look at it in practical/logical/financial terms. If you are legally able to add her to your insurance as a dependent (and that doesn’t mess up any other related decisions, like the need to claim her as a dependent on tax return?), and that’s cheaper than her other options (self-pay or getting insurance through the government exchange/Obamacare), then sure, why not? I assume you’re already making some other joint financial decisions (mortgage/rent, food, utilities, vacation). And if you break up, she can just come off your insurance and get insurance off the exchange. I do find it odd she’d self pay rather than use her employer’s but I’ll just assume that was a logical decision for whatever reason.

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I did this for my partner before we got married and they thought it was super thoughtful/helpful

like

Depends how long you’ve been together. If over a year, I’d offer. If under a year, feels too soon.

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Do you think she is serious and loves you? If the answer is yes, then I don't see any reason not to.

If you think there is an imbalance, for a lack of a better word, in your levels of commitment, then I can see how you are cautious.

Do a good deed just so. You can handle the fallout later. ♥️😊

uplifting

Everyone is postulating about a woman you don’t know as if we are all interchangeable with the same feelings and history. Dude, if you want to know, ask your woman. If you cannot have that kind of open discussion, are you even ready to be making these kinds of decisions?

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I did this for a bf who lived with me at the time. It was to my benefit for everyone to be healthy. It did not require the state, God or an act of congress as I had newly joined the company as was signing up for benefits anyway. Sometimes things are just that practical. When we broke up I took him off. Very simple.

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I would be very grateful and feel that you're thoughtful towards my needs. Beyond the whole independent woman vibe it's a a practical solution to a real life problem. Having said that, talk to her and hear what she thinks about it.

like

Loved but... because I also see it as another level of serious commitment, it would make me a bit nervous. Just because I’ll be wondering if this headed for marriage and am I ready type of thoughts. Plus the taxes you’ll have to pay on the premiums can be quite high so just keep that in mind.

I can’t be the only one that read I was with my BFF for over 9 years and their eyes then saw the dp part….

funny

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