I’m struggling a lot with self confidence. I feel even more insecure seeing all these pretty white gay men on instagram. I dread the dating scene in SF.

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I am a person of color as well, living in New York. The journey we have to take to get to our goals and ultimate happiness is a lot more rewarding than those who have it super easy. Also remember, lot of what you see on social media is not a reflection of the problems and issues that those pretty men are probably dealing with. So cheer up and get on the dating bandwagon. Yes, it’s not going to be a quick, super easy ride but it will be a fun ride for sure!

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You can’t judge your own life by the artificial standards of others. Trust me - many of those gay white twinks in their early 20’s with the seemingly perfect Insta-lives and flawless six-pack abs are at best barely pulling in $80K/year, struggling to pay NYC or Cal rent, disowned by much of their family, dealing with various drug addictions, probably not in a healthy relationship with food, mediocre in their professional careers, and, most ironically of all, quite insecure about their own lives - precisely because America has told them that pretty young white men like them should have instantly flawless lives where their mere smiles can solve all their problems. Reality has been far harsher on them than it has on POC like us raised with modest expectations which we’ve already far exceeded.

Be proud of yourself, do the best each day to make yourself a better person, and the rest will usually follow in time.

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@C2 to your point, I’m also Asian and on the younger side, and I have experienced a lot older men hitting on me a lot more than guys my own age. (Unclear if that has anything to do with racial stereotypes or this idea of an Asian fetish. In either case, it’s not very flattering to me.) I can’t speak for anyone else, but even as someone who is attracted to dudes only slightly older than me, it doesn’t necessarily make me feel any better or help my self esteem knowing that only this group of people are into me, ya know?

I’ll also harp on C1’s comment that being a gay POC, especially an gay Asian male, makes dating that much harder... :/ I feel like an Asian dude has to be a 9 or 10 to get the same attention as a white dude who’s a 6-8. So OP, you’re not alone with low self-esteem. I agree with EY1, ignore IG — it’s self-selection bias. I’ll add, accepting what you can’t change is a lot easier for emotional health. Take control of the aspects you do want to change. If you have a great personality and are interesting and fun to be around, the halo effect is on your side. And last but not least, looks fade lol

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Op - SE Asian here as well, just think that in 20-30 years many of us will still look as young as we are, but those on IG will age must faster and have to figure what the next best filter to use. 😛all jokes asides, I agree the struggle is definitely real and felt the same way here in NYC at the end of the day, once you find somebody who treat you right, all of these wouldn’t matter so much

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This. Has been the best thread on fishbowl.. I can't tell you how many times I've felt less than worthy in the gay community surrounded by pretty white boys...POCs are often fetishized and tokenized. What helped was reclaiming my identity and being visible and vocal about it , I'm not just a gay man - I'm proud South Asian
gay man who jives to Bollywood music, and I'm a freaking 10

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Oh and one very important thing, if you feel others are being unfair to you or if you have ever felt discriminated, remember to take a moment and check if you are doing the same to others. Have you, for example been racist or discriminated based on someone’s skin color or his masculinity? Let’s start with the niceties and fairness ourselves and others will follow :)

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Glad to hear i’m not alone :)

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Chicago is definitely white white white!

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Are you a POC? I will be real as a Gay POC who lived in SF, dating in SF is super hard because of the lack of POCs in the area. But there are niches! Find your niche either by joining an ERG at work and build out from there or joining a meetup group.

I’m glad I realized SF wasn’t for me early in my career even though I’m interested in tech. All of my efforts are now on finding tech positions/companies in the East Coast even though it’s harder.

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Older guys tend to dig Asian gay men. And they tend to treat us better I gotta day, yet are sophisticated and thoughtful

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I’ve found I have to avoid social media and the apps in order to stay sane ... just say no

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So you are only into white guys OP?

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Read Velvet Rage. I’m reading it now and it’s been fairly enlightening

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@EY1 nah, but I feel like they do get the most attention

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Instagram, FB, Grindr, Scruff, etc are a sea of hot pics and behind the scenes insecurities in most everything. Find the place for you and be happy.

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Aww. Yes A1 totally hear you - 100% feel the same. And usually what comes with it the majority of the time is the expectation that you’re a bottom. Now that pisses me off lol

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Haha D2, do you live in New York?

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Lol yeah. But getting back to the original post, there is a lot to relate to here. The solution is not to have a completely opposite outlook, but gradually embracing who you’re and to be proud of that. The New York or San Fran dating scene, in particular can be very harsh, with every guy having someone-better-around-the-corner mindset. But I guess we get to keep trying, staying true to ourselves and being as authentic as possible.

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Chicago? White/midwestern dominant too?

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I thought NYC was amazingly diverse in terms of looks and style plus so many damn attractive men

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