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in my experience, when dealing with a break up at least, i kind of just throw myself into the work and block everything else out when possible. it happened to me a couple of years ago and i was so productive.
When I (male) was a summer associate, I told the managing partner at my law firm (female) that I had been dumped the day prior and needed to take a day, and she actually gave me a hug and let me take the day off. That simple act of kindness made a huge difference, and I ended up getting through the breakup and becoming an even more loyal employee after I was ultimately hired on full time. Your bosses/partners are human. They’ve been dumped before. They will know what you’re going through, and will circle the wagons around you to protect you and get you through the tough time - I promise that.
It’s not the most comforting answer but I can empathize with your situation. I broke off an engagement 2 months before my bar exam & 3 months before my would have been wedding. Frankly throwing myself into studying was a good distraction. But you will have some tough times during your down time. A good support system & giving yourself grace to grieve are important. I also had a puppy at the time which helped with maintaining a routine & sense of purpose :) . Stay as on top of your work as you can, virtual therapy, & to the extent you need to try to work with your firm to delegate things off your plate if it gets too much. They should be understanding that your mental health & wellness benefits them in the long term
Make lists and prioritize your work. Block off time to do tasks like return calls or respond to emails, rather than being interrupted all day long. Block off time for lunch/dinner breaks too. I use a 12 hour time sheet, broken up into 6 minute increments. This way i can track billable time as well as maintain a list of tasks to be completed. I have used this method since i was a paralegal and am much happier and functional when i stick to it.
Okay, to everyone experiencing a life event, I will offer you advice that is counter to most lawyers’ advice. The practice of law is a noble profession, but it is merely a way to make a living it should never define you. I am related to a few generations of lawyers and professions, no one come to pay respects to you when you are dying or dead, because you billed 2200 hours or fill in the blanks. The world does not end because a relationship ended, but examine why the relationship ended. You do not want to go through life with broken relationships, it rents space in your head (very expensive real estate) and you carry the baggage with you. Tackle the problem this way, continue to get your work down, examine what your role was in the breakup, do not worry about other people’s, failings, you cannot control those. Ensure you continue to do good work and timely work. Do not drink unless you feel good, drinking to cure a funk is a recipe for addiction. Talk to a good listener, you may not need any advice, but just need to get stuff off your chest. Live your best life. We talk about my father-in-law’s legal skills, but we remember his skills as a father and a friend to many. No one remembers your 2200 hours in 2018, when we are 2025.
Every step you take in your life - as painful as it may be - will help you learn to tackle your problems better. At the end it will make you stronger. Look at the events in the way on what you”ve learned from it and how you can prevent recurrence. Your body has a learning ability: tye pinch in your heart. It works as a warning system. You”ve been there before and you will nit go through it again. A learning point strengthening you. Analyse your feelings and tackle all difficult aspects. I wish you strength and the ability and flexibility to go through this storm. As a 60 year old woman I can tell you: I”ve gained strength through many a painful exercise. Take care.
There isn’t a one size fits all approach to this. First of all, I empathize with the workload situation. I’m near drowning constantly.
You need to do what works for you. Throw yourself into work. Take a break (unapologetically). Buy a fish. Drink some wine. Take up running. Whatever gives you some relief. And be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break.
Break things into manageable chunks. Maybe tomorrow morning you carve out you time for 20 minutes where you just sit and sob into a pillow or destroy a punching bag. Then the next hour you catch up on emails or deal with leftover admin tasks.
Most importantly: lean on your person or your people. Having somebody in your corner to talk with and vent to. Don’t have somebody in your corner? I’ll be that person for you right now. DM me. We don’t know each other and we don’t need to. I can listen. I can provide advice, if you want it. Or I can just be your cheering section.
Wine.
I seriously feel like I’m about the shut down...
I am happy to hear that someone is sharing the same experience as I am. I also broke up with my boyfriend earlier this week and it has been really tough, especially working at 2 firms and on top of that losing a couple family members to COVID. It gets really hard because this person was my best friend and was really my rock as my family and I are going through other emotional circumstances. The best advice I can give you is to be easy in yourself and really take time for yourself to enjoy whatever that may be. For me right now that is going on early morning walks or jogs and listening to podcasts about history. It hurts right now but I have been learning that it is ok to sit with those “negative” feelings of sadness and being upset because it is a relationship that was lost. But after going through those feelings, better feelings will come. So just be gentle with yourself and take it day by day.
I realize we had really poor communication (mostly on his end, he didn’t open up), so we never really addressed the issues that I didn’t know were issues. Knowing that we never did this - and that we’re just impulsively getting rid of our apartment because of a decision he made unilaterally - is making it really difficult for me to let go of our 3 year relationship. I still don’t know how I’m going to make it through. I’ve completely lost my dignity and begged for couple’s counseling.
Quit the job, ghost the ex, raise llamas and enjoy the sunshine.
All the llamas
I went through something similar a couple years back and I’m sorry to hear you are facing this now. Work can be demanding when you’re not facing any sort of emotional stress, so times like these can bring it to a new level. Things that I found helped me: trying to create some sort of rituals involving self care each day. Didn’t have to take up a lot of time but learn to listen to your body and mind and tune into what would be beneficial for yourself at those times. I also found journaling a big help especially when it came to work. Sometimes when I was having a bad day, I would journal for a little bit just to get those things off my mind and then I could turn back to work for a few hours and not ruminate on those thoughts. Lastly, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Letting ppl know you are having a tough time can be scary but remember that there is strength in vulnerability.
Thanks so much for the kind response and warm wishes (and to everyone else on this thread). It’s so reassuring to hear from everyone on here!
Sometimes your supervisors/work providers can actually reallocate work or help you prioritize. And sometimes taking just 1 or 2 things off your plate can be the difference between breakdown/all-nighters and a somewhat manageable workload. But oftentimes your supervisors in the law firm environment don’t have great (if any) real-time visibility into your workload, so they leave it to you to bring those problems to their attention. I once had a junior cry in my office because they didn’t know how they were gonna get through everything that night, and I was able to make a 2-minute phone call to a friendly partner to get one of the deadlines extended, with no problem and no reputational damage to the junior (who was able to go home and sleep as a result). You have to know the personalities and it doesn’t always work, but sometimes it’s worth it.
Tough line to navigate, but an unmanageable workload isn’t a recipe for success (or internal and external client satisfaction). The workhorses often burnout (or win no thanks for their efforts), while those who do a great job but protect their boundaries can look like champs without killing themselves.
You shouldn't be pulling all nighters, period. You owe it to your clients to be on the ball and thinking straight. Anyone who claims that they can power through an all-nighter and still produce top quality work is either lying, or the type of work they're doing doesn't justify the premium most lawyers charge for their time. You can't have it both ways. We are human beings not machines and clients need to respect that the problems they throw at us sometimes require substantial and careful thought.
There is only one way to eat an elephant. One bite at a time. 😀
This saying has been with me through some tricky times too 😊
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through added stress right now. I agree with most of the list ideas above, but number one is don’t be afraid to walk away for 30 min to an hour if you are losing focus or sinking into a hole/worse place mentally. I gave up my favorite gym routine last year because I felt like I was drowning in work, and as soon as I prioritized it again I found I was more productive before and after because I had a goal I wanted to meet. That being said, your goal right now may be a nap or a bath or a tv show, but give yourself that hour to disconnect, and don’t be afraid to move the time around on certain days based on how you are doing.
I’m sorry to hear about the break up. Remember this: it is these precise moments you experience now that will define who you truly are. I can definitely understand being swamped with work, but I would imagine that your workload would feel a lot lesser than it is once you learn to not let the breakup take over you. I agree with some of the perspectives here. Keeping busy is one way to block it out. But the point is to be content with and accept what happened. You do not want this to affect your work product and do not want this to risk anything worse. Take some time for yourself. Have a self care day. Go get a massage, go for a run, get a pedicure, etc. We are all here for you. Remember the support system you have behind you.
THERAPY!! And wine.
Yes, with everything going on, give yourself a break. Spend half an hour reprioritizing your list of to dos with reasonable expectations of what days you will get to them. Then cross them off as you go as a visual reminder you are accomplishing tasks.
Following. Same question. My wife told me she was divorcing me right after an ambulance came to our house because I was having chest pain. Because of COVID I’ve been working from home since March where I typically work about ten hour days while my wife’s two jobs have been shuttered (also COVID related). I’ve got a massive workload and my coworker is essentially a woman that’s in the process of leaving me. Sorry not sorry in advance about hijacking your post.
I’m sorry you are going through that situation. I hope things get better
Focus on work so incredibly much that you forget about the break up. Worked for me and doing a good job at work will definitely increase your confidence as a little added bonus
It was a year ago now, but happened right as a started my 1st year in big law. And looking back it was the BEST thing that could’ve happened to me (and not bc the guy sucked, just bc it really allowed me to focus on being a smart, self-sufficient badass woman)
I am so sorry to hear what you’re going through. Please know we’re all with you and you will get through this! Try to take it one day, one hour at a time.
In case it helps, echoing others’ thoughts about finding a safe, quiet space to just *be*. For me, I wake up earlier to enjoy a cup of coffee while looking out my window at the trees. Weird, yes. But hugely cathartic.