I'm trying to suss out if a new member of our dept hates me or my team (she manages a different team).

My initial take is she's just hard to read and probably a tightly controlled introvert. My direct report felt she's 'cold as ice,' 'bristling' at our suggestions, and forming a clique that wants to do their own thing with no input from our team. He's triggered very easily, and there was no explicit evidence, just a 'vibe' so I wrote it off. (See 1st comment)

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I think I would hate you and your team if you basically didn’t trust me on no evidence and just a general vibe.

Being new she may be feeling overwhelmed and just trying to understand the lay of the land.

I’d suggest reaching out directly and trying to build a positive relationship in the first instance.


Male coworker claims female coworker is cold with zero evidence. Shocking.


Going back to your comment about *newish* employees coming together… I’d like to put a little perspective on this as well. I was recently hired for a new job this year as were several other people in the same age range. I formed friendships with these colleagues because it helped us navigate and extremely complex onboarding experience and helped us work well together. Teams need to bond and breaking into what she might perceive as an already strongly bonded “clique” can be intimidating. It’s easier to ask questions and for help from people who are going through a similar experience. (Not that I suggest ONLY relying on those people, it just seems in that type of group no question is truly a stupid question and in others… there might be.)

So, it sounds like you’re already on board with giving her a fair chance and taking your report’s comments with a grain of salt… I would just try to also keep the perspective in mind that at any age or point in time, being “new” somewhere is really difficult.

They are probably stressed, being new.

You are probably creating drama.


Fair point about being new. Avoiding drama is why I'm gutchecking this in an anonymous forum instead of poking around with coworkers.

You don’t have to be too trusting, but there is nothing stopping you from developing your own relationship with this person. Even if they “hate your team” if they decide they like you, that could turn the tide. And it doesn’t sound like they’ve actually done or said anything to you to indicate malicious intent?

Every person who’s ever told me “oh that teams hates so and so” turned out to have a deeply ingrained misunderstanding that every org has different goals and we’re all just trying to get the thing that we think is important, done.


Good points. The thing that tripped all this off was a suggestion from our team for a new process. She didn't voice any concerns (even though we invited them), and gave pretty weak agreement to the new process. A few weeks have gone by, and even though my team is reliably following the new process, she hasn't at all.

I'm not her boss so can't make her do it. Her lack of follow through could just be she forgot (doubtful, she gets notifications on our projects) or she's overwhelmed. It could also be a passive-aggressive, 'fuck your process. I run my own shit.' That's what's hard to suss out with someone who's tight lipped and poker faced.

Set up a 1:1 with new member and just have a straight up convo. I feel you on the perception but hate seems pretty strong? If both of you need to collaborate, one of you has to lead on how this “relationship” is going to work. I’d recommend doing it sooner rather than later to set the stage and then revisit your approach working with them….


(Cont'd) I want to be strategic. She's in a position to do some damage if motivated, and I've been burned by being too trusting before.


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