I’m turning 30 in a month. My boyfriend and I have talked about getting engaged but I’m not sure when he’ll propose (probably after the pandemic is over when we can go on trips safely). I’m realizing that if he waits until after the pandemic, it’s going to be at least a year until the actual wedding. Then I had always planned on being married for a few years before getting pregnant. I’m having major fertility anxiety. Any advice?

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You are me. I basically told my boyfriend I’ll be pregnant at 33 so he can count backwards but if he wants time as just us then he needs to get on with it. I have oct 2021 for a small wedding on my mind too.

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I’ve gotten save the dates for 2022 and it makes my heart sink.

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You could always ask him. That’s what I did. I realized that it wasn’t about the ring or the perfect proposal but spending the rest of my life with my husband. I don’t regret it for a second.

likeuplifting

FEMINIST HUZZAH!!!

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Just curious- why does it matter that you’re legally married for a couple of years before having kids? Will your relationship be that different from how it is now?

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Good questions! The guy I thought I would marry and I broke up right before I turned 30 and I was feeling this way too but for different reasons obviously. Starting over finding someone, and had wanted to be married by a certain time so as not to run the clock on fertility. But then I kinda realized that so many of these deadlines or conditions precedent are somewhat arbitrary. Relieving yourself of those arbitrary pressures is very liberating. You can literally do whatever you want, in whatever order you want, whenever you want.

likeuplifting

I had my first baby naturally at 41. Focus on your career and enjoying your life - you have plenty of time

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Why does everyone want a big event for a proposal that they can post on social media? Why do you have to wait to travel before you can get engaged? What’s wrong with having a simple stupid wedding and then throwing a big party after Covid to celebrate it’ll cost you a hell of a lot less money because they charge 30% more for wedding events than regular events. I kept my wedding simple small as an under 60 guests and I have many great memories from that day. I know people who had huge weddings and don’t really have the best memories because it was such a huge nightmare to coordinate and on the day of there were far too many people for them to actually be able to enjoy their time with them. Why not readjust your expectations for the event to our present reality and move forward?

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Person who said it was a misogynist response, I know I have more balls than most of the men I work with but no I’m a woman. And in fact when I made my initial comment I was thinking of the young men that I worked with that went through all kinds of hoops to create the most impossible Instagram where the proposal. One went as far as having a professional photographer follow him. So yeah, that was not a common intended to denigrate any woman.

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Would you consider freezing your eggs? The earlier the better.

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Egg freezing has come a very long way. In fact, if you go with a reputable clinic with a high success rate, you are highly likely to have 1 or 2 viable embryos from each batch of 5 or 6 frozen eggs. The nice thing with freezing eggs is the small batch size - so leftover embryos are unlikely (and no matter your view on that, it is a real ethical choice many fertility patients face). Both my LOs were conceived via frozen eggs on the very first try. Each was a perfect blastocyst after ICSI from a 5 egg batch. And each took and became an amazing and perfect little human. And I would say it is NOT especially invasive. You’ll have a minor surgical procedure under in-office sedative anesthesia (not general) end it takes about a day or two to feel better. Schedule for Friday and you’re likely good by Monday. The hormone shots leading up to ER (egg retrieval) aren’t awesome but also nothing terrible. If you’re considering postponing kids and are set on wanting genetic offspring, look into egg freezing. If you’re good with DE (donor eggs), then no worries. There are plenty of choices out there for that option.

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Go get your hormone levels associated with fertility checked- find out if they are high, low or normal for your age. This will help you find out whether there is a need to be worried in the first place. For example if your fertility is “high” then you probably have more time. If they are low then maybe you’ll want to consider freezing your eggs.

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Just FYI fertility testing is notoriously poor at predicting an individual's fertility, especially in the future. At age 30, the testing could show an issue but that's unlikely. And all it's going to tell you is how fertile you are today, not in the future. AMH, which is the primary predictive test is notoriously inaccurate. At age 35, they told me my AMH was below 1 which is an indicator of "diminished ovarian reserve" but at 37 it was over 1, which theoretically would have meant I grew more eggs - a physical impossibility. When I asked my RE about it, he told me point blank that AMH is inaccurate and that it's really only predictive for patients who have very good or very bad numbers. It also is not a indicator of egg quality, meaning you could have a high number of eggs but it could turn out the eggs are of crappy quality. Meanwhile, you could have diminished reserve but have good quality eggs. In addition, there's no test that can predict at what rate you egg supply will decrease.
You may find it helpful to speak with a reproductive endocrinologist but what they're going to tell you is that there's no way to really know whether or not someone can get pregnant without trying to get pregnant. They also won't be able to tell you what your future likelihood of getting pregnant will be, other than to show you generalized statistics.

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Got pregnant at 39 via IVF, but barely. The statistics for post-35 fertility are sobering. Yes, Megan Markle got pregnant and so did I. But I know far more women who could not conceive — even through IVF — in their late 30s. And statistics available through fertility clinics back this up. Also, being a now 44 year old mom of almost 4 year old twins can be heartbreaking; I’m always thinking about how old they’ll be when I decline and die. I won’t be here to help them, I won’t know their kids well, I’ll never meet my great grandchildren. Wish it had happened earlier for me but so very glad it happened at all.

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I’m a first time pandemic mom at age 38. I worried about this SO much when we decided to have kids after 9 years of marriage. We were pregnant within 3 months of trying and baby was healthy. It’s not as dire as you think and I love being an older mom.

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I feel you. I’ve been married less than a year, but I turn 30 in two days and am feeling myself putting the pressure on myself to have a baby! I know women are having babies later and later, but I understand the anxiety. Sorry I don’t have better advice!

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You should talk to him about having children.

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Talk to your gyno, get tested, figure out a bunch of options. I have a friend who is doing IVF right now and she’s 30. I have another friend who got naturally pregnant by accident at 40. Don’t rely on statistics figure out what’s going on in your own body.

likehelpful

I’m in the exact same boat. 30, in a long term relationship, we are both attorneys and it’s also scary to think about career-wise but he also really wants kids. I was never in a rush but now I’m suddenly terrified. The responses here are encouraging. I will say that maybe I’m selfish but I want a proposal/wedding to be special and while I’ve attended a small wedding that was absolutely perfect during these times, I really think that, for me personally, I’d want to wait until after this is all over. I didn’t picture trying to get pregnant right after I get married but who knows how this will all go down!

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31 and struggling with fertility. Husband / fiancé or not be open and frank with your docs as early as possible to help you be your best when you do decide to ttc.

likehelpful

Anecdotally, my OB said the average age of her patients is 35 (and I live in the south!). So for every pregnant 30 year old she sees, there is a 40 year old having a baby. I agree you should get tested and see your unique situation, but assuming you get a thumbs up, don’t stress for now. Unlike a lot of people who have commented, I do think there is value in having a few years together as a married couple without kids. Especially since a year or two of your time with your bf have been cooped up unable to travel.

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So true, thanks!!

Agree with everyone saying that you should see a fertility doctor now and get hormones tested. That should help either speed up or slow down your marriage process.

Almost every single person I went to law school with had to have IVF. I got married the summer before 3L. I accidentally got pregnant after 9 months on my first job (at 27). It was a very happy accident it retrospect.

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Same exact experience here. I have so many friends who have struggled. It’s not inevitable to have difficulty conceiving and I don’t mean to be alarmist or negative, I just think if you know for sure kids are something you want, you should give yourself the best chance at having them! Especially if you want multiple.

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Have you talked to him about this? If you seriously intend to get married, does the pandemic really interfere with getting engaged? There’s no one way to plan a life together - some people I know have postponed their weddings; others haven’t. Some people have gotten married and postponed the celebration. This is not to discount the other suggestions (IVF, etc) - simply saying maybe he thinks you need the big trip or special surprise moment in a faraway locale to pop the question. If the trip or special circumstances of the engagement are less important to you than starting your life together in hopes of having a baby in the next few years, let him know that.

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A lot of comments on here so I apologize if I repeat someone else but I just wanted to provide hope that 1) 30 is not old and 2) My mom got married at 34 had my little sister at 35 and my little brother at 40. I know everyone is different though. Unless your family has a history of infertility being a thing I wouldn’t get a lot of anxiety over it at this exact moment. But I would also express your concerns with your soon to be fiancé and see how he feels.

likehelpful

This person is going to be your life partner... you should absolutely feel comfortable talking to them about your ideal timeline and concerns, lol

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There’s so little difference between living together and being married, I’d say your “I’d like to wait a few years” idea might be better based on your relationship length vs. marriage. I didn’t do that and now I’m trying to get pregnant at 39 and it’s not easy. I’m wishing we’d started a few years earlier. We were both on the fence about kids, so we didn’t. If you’re not on the fence, I’d say move up your timeline.

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Every woman’s fertility differs - there is no guaranty. Having said that, I got married at 33 had children at 35, 38, and 40.

likehelpful

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