I'm with a 26 yr old woman who decides what she does (where she travels) based on how her dad feels about it. He's an anxious person who worries about her safety. We live in different states. I'm ready to settle down and make a future. Shes worried about her dad's feelings (for the record, I value family, too). Thoughts?

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Ah codependency. I mean you just have to step into daddy’s shoes tbh. So is it just the travel thing or is it more? To be fair with the travel stuff I do know a lot of people who have stronger opinions on that and do follow their parents yes/no on certain countries because it’s like god forbid you get trapped there it’s your fam that has to try to get you out. If it’s the travel thing, I don’t think this should be a deal breaker personally.

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Is she working on it? Learning how to set boundaries? It could take time if they’ve had this dynamic all her life, and it won’t magically change all at once. So it depends on what you’re willing to handle (and whether you’re willing to help her through).

Definitely gotta set those boundaries. It’s a slippery slope. Today, it’s just choosing your destination. Tomorrow it’s you taking the old lady to pound town, and finding him sitting in the corner telling you what bunny likes.

I would go the boundaries route.

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Uh. Dad, get a grip?
What is going to happen to your precious baby once you are gone? Are you going to haunt her to make sure she is safe too?

He means well, but you need to set boundaries.

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This would be a FAR bigger 🚩 for me than all the “my spouse cheated” stuff that everyone obsesses over on here: there’s no way of changing that, at least in the medium term, and I wouldn’t hang around long enough to try.

Have you met her father and do you have a good relationship with him? I’m very close to my parents and I valued their opinion when it came to my now husband (they loved him).

My friend, I have a strong and close relationship with my parents. However, I am a functional adult and do not make life decisions of any sort based on my parents feelings.

I would not date, much less settle down, with someone who consults their daddy for every little thing. I want to date a smart woman not her dad. It's a recipe for having to deal with him forever.

I know it’s an overused answer, but I would suggest therapy with her to determine if you two have a future together that works for you. There’s obviously a difference between a close parental relationship as an adult and one in which a parent who has their own anxieties interferes in the life of their child. If he worries about her traveling to the point of determining where she can travel, what is he going to be like when she has kids and he is worried about his grandkids?

My husband and I attended pre-marital counseling because his mother was attached to him in a very unhealthy way due to the unhappiness of her own marriage. I needed to decide whether it was a relationship that was really going to work - whether my husband was capable of drawing the type of boundaries that would be necessary for us to successfully exist as an autonomous couple. It took time and some difficult conversations (and us moving a ways away from her), but things are much better now and we all have a very positive and healthy relationship.

Would your SO be willing to do that? Does she see that her relationship with her father is not healthy as an adult and poses risks to her relationship with whomever she ends up marrying? Triangulation in a marriage is never a good thing (unless you’re a throuple 😉).

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