🐠 in long-term healthy relationships/marriages - would you say your relationship is effortless? Or would you say it takes effort from both parties to make it work?

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No, it is not effortless even though he is the love of my life, I am fully secure that he will be my forever one and we will love and support each other until we die. It is not effortless and I can't imagine how hard it is if you are not quite sure if the relationship you are in is a fit. It takes a lot of listening, a lot of compromising, and a lot of energy esp. since having a kid. Before we had a kid I would say it was more effortless but also had to put in work

likehelpfuluplifting

💯

I'm married 5 years this year, together 14 years. It takes work, but how much work it takes varies over time. It isn't always an uphill battle.

Some days/weeks/months are easy but we run into problems (depression, health, financial, inlaws, the fucking laundry and who has to do it, reminding my husband that the one word question "sex?" isn't always going to be enough to get me in to bed--he's gotta take me on a date every so often). :D Some things are easier to get through than others and there are times when I've wondered what it would be like to not be married, but I still prefer my life with my husband knowing that these things come up.

My husband isn't exactly my best friend. I have a best friend that I'd rather spend time with, but he's probably second in my list of favorite people. He makes me laugh and he enhances my experience doing things together (I'd rather do most things with him rather than alone), even the most mundane things like watching TV.

His laugh is contagious and I can tell when a puppy video (or the end of the movie Coco) make him emotional because of a little facial tic I picked up on over the years, and I love continuing to learn things about him. It helps me deal with his monstrously bad morning breath and the fact that it's 730am and he's still not up yet. :D

likefunny

I'd definitely choose the laughing one.

For me, it's both simultaneously. It generally feels effortless but I think that's because we're both constantly working at it to the point that it's a habit.

We've been together long enough that even if one person is having a bad day, there is trust that there is no ill will intended. We give each other grace when needed, but also call each other out if something is not ok.

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No, it takes effort — but when you can see the effort the other puts in and how it is out of love and desire and on your behalf it makes a perpetual motion machine

Also important: effort =/= hard & struggling & painful

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Your note at the end is what I couldn’t get into words! For me, yes, it’s a lot of effort but because we love each other it’s really not hard or painful with very very few exceptions.

For me (married 10 years), it feels effortless right now, but at earlier parts in our marriage, whenever we have hit a rough patch, it’s required a lot of effort.

Some things that we do to make sure it feels effortless is: prioritize date nights, prioritize physical intimacy, get on the same page as part of the same team for kids/financial stuff. But all of that is now second-nature and doesn’t feel like a lot of effort.

I honestly couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. He is my absolute favorite person and best friend.

likeuplifting

Nothing worth having comes without effort. It’s not effort all day every day, but there are seasons of great work. There are also seasons where it seems as close to effortless as possible.

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I have a follow up (not OP)…do you guys feel that your SO is your “best friend”? Someone to go to ikea with etc

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Gotta be your best friend. But that comes about with time and open communication, not necessarily because you set out for that to happen. You will spend most time with them see each other at their worst , anger, cry ,laugh etc. So the r/ships who communicate will also get a(nother) bestfriend. Even more so if you both work from home and under lockdown for almost 2 years. Your outside friends may not always be available.

I wouldn't say it's effortless, but it's not hard. We get along well and with ease, we rarely argue, and are on the same page about the big stuff. We do make an effort to be thoughtful and caring, and sometimes hit a rut with one thing or another and we need to put in more effort to get out of it, but it isn't hard.

likeuplifting

Definitely not effortless. I’m engaged, we’ve been dating for 7.5 years. But actually I’ll amend that, because we’re both actively working on the relationship but also ourselves right now especially. Talking a lot about difficult topics, about our perspectives, trying to communicate more and not sweep anything under the rug, while also separately working on our own mental health. Growth, whether on a team or single, takes effort and work. I think you can be single or in a relationship and not putting the work in to grow and be a better and healthier person. Just know that eventually it will probably hit a breaking point, and some change will come about. It’ll be harder to weather in a relationship if you don’t have a strong foundation.

likeuplifting

The idea that who/what we love requires no effort is a lie. Careers, relationships, our bodies, our homes - it all takes effort. Work/effort is not a bad thing itself - it develops strength, perseverance, deeper love, and more. Obviously things can get twisted or dysfunctional so you have to have wisdom, but good things are not all free from effort.

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Absolutely takes effort especially after kids. With limited time given work/family/life, it’s important to have systems in place to get things done and resolve conflicts efficiently and effectively. I love him to death but we’re still different and changing people with differing needs, struggles, communication styles so it takes work to continue growing a healthy relationship for a lifetime.

likeuplifting

I love and appreciate all of these responses. Thank you!!

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