Interested in getting some POVs on hosting etiquette. We have a couple coming to visit us probably for a 5 night stay. We live in Chicago and they’ve never been here before so we are all very excited. I know they are going to want to do a lot and dine out a lot as well. I’ve also suggested that we spend a couple night downtown. I plan to cook a fancy dinner for their first night, stock up on breakfast and their favorite foods as well as booze. When dining out and doing activities...cont below

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If you are tight with $, why even suggest fancy restaurants or staying downtown? Let them book those things, if they want to go. They may even want a night out on their own. Etiquette is to have clean bedsheets, a clean home, cook and cover the food for them at your HOME where they are staying. Entertainment expenses outside of your house, should be out of their pocket for themselves. Actually etiquette would require the visiting guests to treat you to a dinner/bring you a gift, for hosting them.

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I’m not tight with money and I want to be great host and make this a very memorable trip for them. Also I haven’t suggested anything other than presenting the hotel for a couple nights as an option. I don’t think they would ever expect us to pay for everything and I would love to treat them to everything but when you are talking about thousands of dollars, its nothing to sneeze at. Anyway, I was merely looking for different points of view. You and I clearly have different points of view and thats ok too.

A little confused, are you saying you would pay for their hotel too? this is their vacation, why would you pay for their meals or their hotel? You’re already doing more than enough hosting them for a few nights & providing a home cooked meal & alcohol at home, they should be the ones paying for your meals if anything.

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I was asking if I should pay for the hotel and drinks but you make a very good point lol.

It sounds like you are hosting them in your home? If so, etiquette suggests (strongly) that they cover at least one of those night out.

Think about it. If the roles were reversed, you’d be thinking, “they are doing so much to host us; I should reciprocate in some way.”

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You don’t have to cover entertainment expenses OUTSIDE of the home. But certainly cover the meals at home.

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This is an incredibly strange thread - I don’t know of anyone who would expect a friend that they’re visiting to pay for fancy meals and entertainment and even a hotel for them. That goes way beyond any norms of expected etiquette

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You should absolutely not feel obliged to pay for their hotel! If I were them, I would actually find that quite awkward. Depending on your/their culture, I see it as polite (but not necessary) for you to pick up the tab for one of the dinners out BUT as one of your guests, I would 100% insist on paying (for you & your husband as well) to reciprocate for your hosting & planning

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A2 I shouldn’t find this funny but it’s so painfully relatable that I laughed out loud!

Do they want a few days to do their own thing? I could be caught off guard if I went to visit a friend in her home city and she has the entire stay planned for me.

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Same! Honestly I’m hoping they want a night or two on their own. I did tell them they can do whatever they want and we’ll give them a house key and car keys too so hopefully they take us up on it! I love them but 5 whole days is A LOT!

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Where are they staying? Do they have plans to do things on their own or are they expecting you to be full hostess mode?

If you are booking a hotel without consulting them, then yes, you can’t expect them to pay. Run it by them first and say “hey what are your thoughts on splitting costs for two hotel rooms?”.

And no, why would you be expected to for dinner and drinks out? Split the cost.

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I’m Middle Eastern and I understand this hosting mentality. I pay for everything when my family and friends stay with me in Chicago. Meals. Museum outings. Architecture tour. Etc.

We symbolically argue. “Tarof”

But I bear the brunt of the cost. Then they head on their way and I find they’ve left several hundred dollars for me under a mattress or something.

It’s a silly game. But I’ve played it myself when I’ve travelled to visit friends and family.

I don’t do this with non-Middle Easterners though. Because it’s weird enough being me. Are you hosting other Indian people?

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....is it proper etiquette that we pick up all expenses? I would love to do that but unfortunately my husbands business has been slow for a couple years and dining out here w drinks is easy $300/couple. I already imagine we’ll spend $1k on all the food and booze for the other 3 nights but am wondering if we should also pick up the hotel and dinner tabs as well.

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This is what I would expect if I was visiting and in fact we usually will stay w someone one night out of courtesy then insist on a hotel. But I still feel like I should pay for everything. But then again I shouldn’t soend more on someone else vacation than my own (if I was able to travel rn lol)

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If I were your friend and finances weren't tight, I'd expect my partner and I would cover our own hotel. We'd also probably cover dinner out for everyone, partly because I personally would notice the trouble you went through to host and feed us at your home and would want to show our gratitude and return the hospitality.

That being said, how much are you dictating the hotel and dining choices? If there wasn't a discussion about choosing spots that suit everyone's budget, some people might feel caught off guard or put in an awkward position when the bill comes.

If your friends haven't had any say in where you'll be going, I'd find a gentle way to explore in advance if there are any concerns with pricing. Or, if you're good friends, just approach the question with them directly.

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Well they know our favorite steak place so they said thats a must (usually about $700 for 4) and everything else I think we would discuss. As for hotel I would want to find the best hotel for reasonable price but given its downtown in the summer we are probably looking at $300/night. As for all the activities I would pick that up. So really we are probably looking at me already spending $2k (meals at home and activities) and then I am wondering about the hotel and meals out. Which would probably come to another $3k+. I really feel like the right thing to do is pay for everything but then again I wouldn’t ever expect to go visit ppl and only pay for my ticket. Gah, I wish I was rich!

They are thinking about Wed- Mon so I was thinking fancy dinner and drinks at home first night then two nights downtown then back to our our house for two nights. I told them to let me know their preference. Im happy to have them every night if they want. Fyi they make good money so they aren’t on a budget. And they’re from LA so they are used to high prices. I want to make it it a fabulous weekend for them but also know that if we pay for everything all weekend for the 4 of us, it would probably end up being $4-5k (my husband and I easily spend $1k when we do a staycation night in the city.

Also a good point!

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