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This might be my new daily. 36mm is so comfy.
Any books to recommend on mental strength?
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Of course it’s ok!! I absolutely adore my kids but it is not for everyone and that is 100% ok. You do what’s best for you!
It’s probably a good idea to have an honest convo with your husband though if you feel like you’re in different pages.
Totally fine to not want kids.. but this might be something really difficult to work out if your husband does
Yes, it’s very difficult. I feel bad for him
It’s totally ok!!
It's okay to not want kids. But I'm concerned that you and your husband aren't on the same page about this. Did one of you change your mind? Was it just assumed that kids would be the natural next step once you as couple weeks ere "ready"?
Chief
OP- if you knew he wanted them in life period.... why consider a happily ever after if you didn’t share the same view?
It’s super ok to not want kids but why did you and hubby not have this conversation before getting married??
Me thinks you need to have a very serious convo with your hubby. Yes, it's ok to not want kids. No, it's not ok to lead someone on who does.
Rising Star
It is ok. You don’t have to have kids if you don’t want to or want to wait. Once you have kids you can’t give them back.
Conversation Starter
How have you not talked about this?
Rising Star
(1) You are completely normal - not everyone wants to procreate.
(2) Misalignment on procreation within a couple happens all the time - typically one person secretly thinks they can change the other person’s mind in due time
Rising Star
Yes S1 - if we are being anecdotal, I also watched a friend go through this. He wanted none, she someday maybe wanted one but not really. She realized she couldn’t go through life without a child (she was adopted so had this urge to start her own lineage). He made her pay for her in vitro treatment. They have a perfect little 2 year old girl. They are in bliss. Go figure.
Bottom story - i appreciate couples who put themselves first as a condition to their forever love. Plenty folks who talk about aligning on kids end up divorced for a million reasons too. People change their minds too due to new experiences. Humans should re think rationalizing everything. Sometimes, it is what it is.
Chief
The cause of concern is... why in the heck did you not discuss this prior to marriage?
Till now i have had this guilt that im the only one and may be wrong.. but Thank you all for the kind words and motivation.. I have had many open conversations with my husband and told him my feelings.. we both love each other a lot and don’t want to hurt each other’s feelings.. i hope we figuring it out..
The idea that having kids is the next logical step after getting married is a holdover from a much older society. Frankly, not everyone SHOULD have kids - the population doesn’t require a high birth rate like it did in the past, partially because of the economy and partially because the general mortality rate has been decreased so significantly due to modern medicine. So no, from an anthropological standpoint, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re adapting to your environment.
Now. If you have some closely held feelings or traumas that are impacting your decision not to have kids, and causing an unwarranted, strong reaction, that might be something to explore. But if you’re just a person who doesn’t want the job of literally building and maintaining a human being, that’s completely normal and understandable. Parenthood takes an immense amount of work and deferral of personal goals. Not to say that it’s bad or I regret it, but there just literally is only so much time in a day and prioritization has to occur.
Ha. Can you tell things are getting rough with parenting in the time of COVID??
I'd ask how it is sane to want kids. Like why. Why would I want them. The logic evades me.
And, then there is also global warming too, if you were still uncertain.
Rising Star
@C3 I went through a lot of infertility issues in 20’s and early 30’s. Many miscarriages and I decided the pain wasn’t worth it anymore. It was to painful every miscarriage.
Yes OP, it is ok feeling like that. Having kids is a big decision which should not be rushed just because there are more candles on your cake.
OP, is this something you were never sure about but thought you might one day change your mind? And now wondering if that day will ever come? I’m pretty young and don’t think I want kids, but I WISH I did. So I just hope that one day I’ll wake up and feel differently, but curious if that ever actually happens.
A3 - I focused on building the life that felt right for me in my twenties - growing, learning, traveling, experiencing. If someone is 1000% sure the focus of their life should be family and marriage, then I think they should go after that. But if not, I think it’s best to get to deeply know yourself because it offers you the chance to build a meaningful life no matter what other factors come into play. I would have been great without my husband, and we will be great without kids - even if we end up wanting them and being unable. We will get through it. Just focus on getting to know yourself, being your best self for you. The other stuff will work itself out.
It is 1000 percent ok to not want kids. Everyone has different goals, values, opinions etc. Raising children is an endeavor and not for everyone (me included). It doesn’t make you a bad person.
Why
Rising Star
Yea ftk!
Nope there is a reason why we use a term called child free.
100% okay.