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There’s not enough context here but it’s unusual to sleep outside the house after an argument unless you decided to separate.
I don’t want to separate, but I feel I need to do something different this time. We have tried to talk about the problem over and over in the past, but nothing really changes. I just don’t know what should I do.
Rising Star
Agree with SA (unless you're in danger/ things are escalating).
Find somewhere in the house you can get some space that won't make him feel abandoned/ like you're leaving him.
Rising Star
I agree with A1 on doing therapy yourself if you aren’t already. My SO and I are at an impasse on a controversial topic in our relationship right now. We have an appointment with a therapist together but it’s still a few weeks out. I had a session with just my therapist tonight and it was so so helpful. She offered strategies for how to have the conversation with him and what is perspective might be.
Usually leaving to sleep somewhere else is a big irreparable move that might harm your relationship in the future. It shows that you’re not even sure you can fix it. Both me and my SO considered doing this during a blowout fight. We talked about if afterwards and agreed that we would have trouble making up if either of us had just left. Sleeping on the couch is one thing, but sleeping outside the house is another.
Blow some shit up, boo. Sometimes they need to know you're tired of playing games, especially when you've tried to get them to come to therapy. Not saying it's going to work but def an option. Marriage is hard. (I'm not a marriage counselor but have been married to the stubborn love of my life, who I can't imagine living life without, for 9 years.)
You’re a grown woman you can leave whenever you feel like for as long as you feel like!
No, it’s not ok if you want to stay in the relationship. It’s playing games. It erodes trust and weakens the relationship long term, even if I’m the short term it might get his attention (I don’t know if it will). You also run the risk that it becomes a toxic cycle once you know that you can get a response by leaving.
In my experience, the discussions which I would describe as “fighting” just make my husband double down and “fight” back. It’s the calm discussions where he actually listens (and even then we don’t always agree).
Pro
Hell yes! Even an Airbnb for a week.
Dudes who won’t go to therapy are usually not great with emotional intelligence. Bad sign if they won’t even go and pretend to go through the motions. Sorry, I would be sad and furious at the same time.
I did this once and never ended up going back… Moved from the friends house to a hotel to an Airbnb and we ended up getting divorced.
It’s a super hard line. You should do what you feel like you need to serve your mental health. But maybe one middle ground would be to stay in the house (but separate space) while you get through the fight but then take a little time away on your own. Even just a night a weekend away by yourself in a hotel. Doing it once you’ve both come down from the fight will let your articulate more clearly why you’re doing it and let you get more out of your time away. Just a thought. I went through hell in my marriage about 5 years ago. We worked through it but was it was a brutal year and i get that every decision in the process is so personal.
I assume you do not have kids, but my mom left the house all the time when I was growing up and she was upset with my dad. She usually didn’t stay away overnight, but I regularly watched her get in the car and drive away not knowing if she would come back. I still have abandonment issues to this day because of it. The act of leaving if you don’t actually want to leave is incredibly manipulative and painful. I have told this to my SO when we get in fights that either of us leaving the house is an absolute no go for me, the abandonment cannot be undone. We stay and we talk through it. If you can’t talk through it, talk divorce, don’t just manipulate through absence or the silent treatment. It does not work and can cause collateral damage to those around you.
If you do split, leaving can sometimes be abandonment. So if you’d want the house when/if you split, don’t leave for long.
Rising Star
My husband went with me to marriage counseling. Then decided he didn’t like it because he felt it was always pointing out his errors (he cheated and destroyed my trust - forever). Get your own therapist. Meet twice a week. Fit it in to your schedule at work. Talk it all through just you and the therapist - your goals, your long term plans, where you see yourself in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years. If you decide he isn’t contributing to your partnership with him please save yourself.
Rising Star
Why do you have to do all the lifting here? Get some counseling and tell his arse to move to the couch.
This is separate but have you figured out what is behind the refusal to see a counselor? Maybe establishing the counselors role, like “they aren’t going to say one person is right but they are going to help us create a process for communicating and resolving this issue, it’s both of us versus the problem with the counselors help, not me vs you” can help alleviate concerns?
Has anyone successfully convinced a spouse to go to couples therapy who was very resistant? Asking for a “friend.” I feel your pain, author. Marriage is so difficult! Especially if your spouse is pretty difficult
I did it once before. When I came back the next morning, he was apologetic. My point of not putting up with certain behavior was made. I want playing games.
Not enough context but if you’re a Christian, I highly recommend the book Emotionally Destructive Marriage. It’s helpful, encouraging, & instructive.