Is it shallow to want the man to handle the finances? I earn well and can contribute but I'm struggling with gender norms. I feel bad having that expectation though. Any perspectives will help...

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If we want to be treated equally, we need to contribute equally.

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I don't think you should feel bad, but you also need to be honest about why you feel that way. Wanting it doesn't mean you are a bad person but you can absolutely use this as a point of self reflection. If you expect a man to take care of finances, are you ok if he expects you to stay at home and raise children? Again, no black or white here, and that arrangement does work for some people, but is that unequal dynamic something you personally want, and are you capable of taking both the good and bad that comes with taking on outdated gender roles?

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Then that is ok! Don't feel like you need to change. Don't care about what most men these days want. As long as your man + you are aligned on the give and take, that's all that matters.

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Both should be adept, but the person most interested can handle it. We separate different parts of the finances.

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If I was in charge of our finances, we would have lost the house by now. I never thought about it being a man's job or the woman's job. Growing up my mom handled everything because my dad is exactly like me. I pay my two credit card bills every month, those are enough bills for me.

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Same. Never saw it as a job for a certain gender.. moreso for whoever is most responsible 😂

I think both should learn. My husband has started taking on small duties now while we also hired a financial consultant. I guess discussing the expectation openly helps. I find it hard to be on track with my.job plus I hate finances so happy to pawn them off.

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There are reasons for why you feel this way. Your career and earning potential will take a major hit once children come in to the picture. Your tangible monetary contribution is just one piece to the relationship. Women's contributions to the relationship / marriage became commoditized unfortunately and it's become a norm to handle EVERYTHING. The gender norms making it ok for us to contribute the same amount to joint budgets, work 60 hour weeks, be pregnant, deliver and then spend sleepless nights breastfeeding and childrearing are out of balance. There has to be a recognition of all of your intangible contributions. However, it will only become visible with kids in the picture. Of you do not have kids now, it's ok to be equal however you both need to understand that this will change down the road and your contribution to the relationship will shift from tangible to intangible.

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OP, when you say “handle the finances” do you mean the man is the financially responsible one for the family (his income should support all the bills) or rather he is the one who coordinates/is the book keeper and financial planner for the family?

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Coordinates and is the book keeper and financial planner - the one who can take the lead on making those decisions, and I would contribute financially and talk through stuff and be involved in decisions.

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I think you can split responsibilities/chores with a “divide and conquer” approach as long as you are both in it as a team to help each other and manage your household together. It would make me extremely uncomfortable to totally hand finances over and be unaware. If you don’t want to do it you should at least stay in the loop on overall health, major purchases, savings, spending limits, debt, etc. Also for a data sample, I manage my family finances and know many women who do so for me it does not compute when you say man handling finances = gender norm.

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Don't ever feel bad for how feel or want your life to go. The thought that if women want to feel equal in life they can't expect the person they marry who promises his life for yours to pay the bills is asinine to me. How you choose to run your home is your choice.

I currently make more than my husband and we split things 50/50. When he starts making more, he will take on more financial responsibility until he can take it all on. Then we will start the kid process. Pregnancy has way too many variables and we don't want to be completely dependent on both incomes when it happens. That's what's happening in my household. To each their own, though.

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I think both should be aware of finances (maybe a monthly summary), but either can manage (should be based on skills and time availability). You can always get an assistant if neither has time AND you have the disposable income to pay for it. It’s a partnership- you divide the responsibilities. 🙃

‘The man’ versus you? What is stopping you from learning about how to handle personal household finances? To protect yourself in case the relationship goes sour, you need to be aware of all your finances, especially the joint accounts.

It’s totally fine if you want him to ‘handle’ the finances (make sure bills get paid on time, etc.), but you absolutely must be aware of what’s going on and have access to everything. I know way too many women of my mom’s generation (including my mom) who were caught completely off guard when their husbands passed suddenly or became unable to continue taking care of things, and this can be a disaster. So yes, let him do the heavy lifting and day-to-day stuff, but sit down with him at minimum once per quarter and make sure you know all account numbers, access codes, etc. The last thing you want is to be scrambling around trying to figure out how to get access to the accounts you need in an emergency.

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