Is “setting boundaries with your parents” something we can do with immigrant parents of color? I see this advice come back often and with an Asian parent I feel like we just have to accept everything they ask us, or else. Wdyt?

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Yes but it’s really hard. I’m Nigerian, not Asian and it look years for my mom to respect my boundaries. Once, I had to not speak to her for 3 weeks which was hard bc we talk 3 times a day. But it was worth it bc it went from me only being able to be in the same house as her for 3 days max to me missing her after she was in my house for a whole week!

However, I also set a boundary for myself. She struggles with giving me any emotional support so I don’t put her in situations where I’m emotionally vulnerable and need her to help.

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I absolutely love this! This is how my mom and I are now as well.

It’s still a work in progress, but I’ve found it much easier living away from them. I’m lucky in that I know I am not in physical danger from them, so the worst that can happen is they cut me off. And I know that would hurt them at least as much as it would hurt me, so they’re unlikely to do it.

Having that mentality has helped a lot. I keep them on somewhat of an information diet and tell them what I plan to do when necessary. They’ve thrown fits on occasion (e.g. when I told them I was moving in with my boyfriend post-college), but I’ve just gone forward with things anyway and eventually they come around when they realize that they have to if they want a relationship with me.

I’ve realized I can’t be happy living under my parents’ opinions for the rest of their lives, so I might as well start practicing setting boundaries now.

likeuplifting

Ugh, same, we live on different continents and maybe that’s why I feel so happy to feel this freedom from their whims.

Thank you for sharing your story, it’s helpful for me to figure out what to do. Having examples helps normalize this! 🙏

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Yes, I’m Latina and it’s soo hard for my mom to understand some things. But she’s had no choice with me, I’m a force to be reckoned with. I tell her, blame yourself you raised a strong woman 🤷🏽‍♀️

likeuplifting

Yes it is possible. I've told my asian mother flat out topic "xyz" is no longer up to discussion. Behavior "123" is no longer tolerated or I am done for the day. Just because of culture + blood I am not wavering my boundaries to toxic behavior and mental safety. If she's interested in any type of relationship she can try or not.

likeuplifting

👏🏾🙌🏾

Following :)

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It’s super difficult, i’m in my 30s and still struggle with it.

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It definitely difficult! The emotional abuse that comes with it is just inexplainable and I totally understand if people who didn’t have controlling parents don’t understand that. But unfortunately I know a lot out there also do understand me.

For me it was always this sense of we raised you, provided food, clothes and shelter so now you owe us everything. They always bring up the “favors” they did for me when I was a child whenever I refuse or set boundaries. It’s as if I owe them my life just because they brought me into the world and raised me(this was never my choice)

But one thing that helped me is therapy and LOTS OF IT for that matter. Also once I started working and making good money (tech industry) it gave me a sense of freedom. I didn’t have to worry about their threats for kicking me out of the house or not giving me food.

My relationship just was never great because do the gender discrimination that came with it in my house. My brother could do whatever and whenever and my sister and I were literally used as free maids for them. Even today they expect me to help in the house (which I don’t mind and I do help) but I have set boundaries of not doing EVERYTHING as I’m not their maid. Side note: my brother doesn’t do shot and plays video games all day yet he isn’t even asked to do one thing in the house and if i was so it would be hell in the house.

likehelpful

I feel like if I set boundaries, my dad explodes in a different area.

For example I have a baby, am sleep deprived, and he asked me to participate in a side project that’s meaningful to him and that I don’t have time for. I set boundaries, and he progressively became more short tempered and is starting to bother me on another topic. Like sending me a text at 3 in the morning like “where’s that at? I’m becoming restless.”

And I’m sure if I had said yes to the first thing he wouldn’t bother me on the 2nd.

Said out loud it sounds so trivial but not sure how to explain it better. I feel like no matter what, I’ll lose.

Thank you for sharing your stories and normalizing this experience. It’s inspiring to read about those who had the bravery to do something about it!

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This is happening on the second thing because of the fact that you put up a boundary on the first thing. There's nothing wrong with this at all. You have a baby and your boundaries are going to look different now for other people and your time. That's something they should be working to understand. Don't overextend yourself regardless of the relationship. This is how you get burnt out! Thanks for sharing.

uplifting

This is a great question. Yes it's difficult, but it can be done. The important thing is to stay consistent with the boundaries that you set. You are most likely going to experience some resistance when putting up boundaries, but as long as you're consistent with it and prioritizing your needs, it will be effective for you. My mother is very understanding of my boundaries now and is actually supportive. We can now discuss these things as adults. Hope this helps!

uplifting

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