{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "It’s 2020, are men still expected to pay on the first date or is it acceptable to split 50-50? Not trying to start a whole debate on modern gender dynamics, I just need practical advice.", "post_id": "5f40180f4200d800221a9edf", "reply_count": 258, "vote_count": 10, "bowl_id": "5e6fe1c31f5e51001d267e46", "bowl_name": "Coronavirus Work-life" }

It’s 2020, are men still expected to pay on the first date or is it acceptable to split 50-50? Not trying to start a whole debate on modern gender dynamics, I just need practical advice.

likefunnysmart
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F: When it comes to this...I think we’re socially programmed (some would say brainwashed) to believe that a man that is financially capable of paying for the first date makes him look manly/more capable of taking care of his family. This dates back to when men were hunters and women cared for the family. When a guy wants to split the bill..to some woman it subconsciously makes him look less masculine which can make him unattractive or boyish. In a society today where (yes) women can make the same as men... just odd to see women still wanting a man to split the bill but fight for equal pay. If we can’t be progressive in one area and traditional in the other. Just my opinion though. If I’m being honest with myself it IS just a bit “sexier” when a guy pays. It’s not really about the money it’s the feeling of like “I got you”..a sort of metaphorical “I can protect you” but like I said I think that’s socially programmed and it takes awareness and time for that to change. Would I dump a guy that wants to split the bill? Hell no. I respect that he’s responsible with his money. I would rather just go back and forth picking up the bill though in that case so it still feels like a nice gesture.

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Thank you for your sincere and complete answer

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I always pay for the first date. It’s always a good idea to set the precedent early, that as a man, I’m the one who has more power. It’s an alpha power move, one that women in general find to be super sexy. It’s also a subtle tacit agreement that one day, if we ever end up living together, she will be the one responsible for doing the laundry and keeping the house clean. Women don’t like to admit it, but they actually want a man who makes all the decisions in general. Being responsible for stuff stresses them out. I’d actually go as far to say that any woman who offers to pay, even if she doesn’t sincerely mean it, should probably have some sense talked into her sooner than later. By her mom or friends or whoever. They should know better- that kind of insubordination is extremely unattractive. Maybe insubordination is the wrong term, but seriously, keep your hands off the bill and do what you do best, which is look dolled up and laugh at my jokes. It’s great that we’re letting women take real jobs and everything but there are some things that should never change. In other words, women should know their place in the world. The more they fall into line with this thinking, the better off we will all be.

funny

I always split on the first date. To set the precedent early — that I am a nice guy. To show that we are all equal in every way. Paying the whole tab is wrong. Because that’s what paying for two Rolling Rocks and a couple of appletinis means. It’s a grand declaration of ownership. A symbol of the failings of a patriarchal society. The amount of respect I have for women is conveyed the exact moment when I slide the bill back to the waitress and proudly proclaim with a smile, “Oh no no. Separate checks please.” I can tell by the waitress’ furrowed brow that she knows I am a modern man, a true egalitarian. Her sigh and eye roll is clearly relief from having to adhere to gender norms contained on that brittle printout totaling 52.26. When the two, freshly-reprinted bills arrived, I looked over the shoulder of my date. I was so happy. We both wrote $4 on each of our tip lines without even telling each other. That’s synchronicity. I can’t wait for our next date. Since I asked her out first, I’ll wait for her to ask me out for the second date. I know she will.

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F here. I always offer, but if a guy took me up on that I’d never go out with him again. If you ask me on a date and pick the place - you should pay. That’s also why I prefer grabbing a drink vs. a full on dinner or event as a first date - feel bad having someone spend a lot of money on me if I don’t see it going anywhere.

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He absolutely stole some of your underwear

F here - I prefer to split 50-50 on the first date, however many women want the man to offer to pay the bill first and some ridiculously still expect the man to pay the whole thing.

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D1 and C1: male here. From my perspective, I offer to pay during dates because its a nice thing to do. I offer the same thing to my male buddies sometimes. I'm not following some old tradition. If my date wants to split or if she offers to pay for the whole bill, there won't be any bruised ego here. I'll just know that I'm dating an independent woman and thats pretty sexy.

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M - men should pay, or at a minimum offer to pay, for the first date

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Female here. I think whoever initiated the date and picked the place (usually the man) should offer to pay and be prepared to pay for the whole thing if the other doesn’t offer. Afterwards, it should be split 50/50.

likefunny

Male late 30s here. I am shocked by all the people on here advocating for 50-50. Maybe I'm just old. I've been out of the game for a while. I thought a man should always pay during the dating years. Then when things get super serious down the line, perhaps the woman can pick up a tab here and there. Has nothing to do with money. If I took Oprah out to dinner, you bet your ass that I'm paying. Maybe I'm old fashioned.

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Not sure why I used Oprah as the example, she's too old for me. For some strange reason she was the first one that popped in my mind.

funny

If a lady wants me to pay for the whole meal you better believe I’m taking her ass to McDonalds for our first date

funnylike

EY4 That's fair, but I prefer face-to-face interaction and ”have to cast a wide to find the right match”...

In 2019 it was not required but my 2020 handbook indicates it is

funnylike

Times are tough

F Hot take. Coffee and an event (the park / architecture walk etc) > sitting for an hour staring

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If you are what I’m looking for during the first part of the date we usually go get a drink after!

F - If I don’t like the guy, I split 50/50 (don’t want to take advantage of him). If I like him, I’d offer but let him pay

likesmart

Coffee = coffee breath

"Paying for the first date is to compensate for all the time and money women are expected to spend on themselves just to get ready for that date" - Ali Wong

likehelpfulfunny

I’d much rather do that kind of date SA4. Casual and fun.

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I’m a guy aged 23. I think it depends. Because of my age, I will offer to pay for girls that are still in college, and me being a Deloitte Consultant. But when I go on dates with girls that are 22-25+ who have jobs, then I expect a split.

likefunny

Drinks are on me, OP. Cheers! 🥃🍷

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F - Whoever asks for the date pays for the date.

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Congratulations, you have discovered convenient feminism!

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I offer to split it and believe it looks better on the man to pay it, possibly without me even realizing. Something hot about that. I’m a female

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I guess I should add that I would likely pick up a drink at the next place for my date, also without him knowing, or order food. Something like that. But the date event should be paid for by the person asking for the date.

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I’ve been married for 12 years and we have a 3 kids 14 and 4 year old daughters and a 10 year old son. This is just me but I always pay for dinner did when we were dating and still do now. I also open the door for my wife entering a building or the car. I teach my son the same things.. now, on the flip side I explain to my oldest that it’s not up to a man to pay for her and that she should always be prepared to cover her own bill.. BUT pay close attention for men that believe in tradition.. it’s not a mandatory and it’s not a guarantee.. but there’s something to be said for a person, IMO, that has had the guidance and respect for chivalry. The flip side of it and I teach my son this is that she needs to be a good partner.. so if the guy opens the car door for my daughter.. she should reach over and open his door from the inside as he’s walking around to the driver side.. Personally the only time I even think any of this is an issue.. is if your with someone who is not meeting your preference or expectation .. otherwise it’s probably a personal preference thing.

likeupliftinghelpful

Depends if you are the one who initiated the date

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Yeah I think whoever asked for the date should make an offer to pay, man or woman tbqh. I’m a woman. Then it’s up to the other person to accept the offer or insist on splitting. It’s just good manners. Same etiquette should apply anytime you ask anyone for any reason. I offer to pay for networking coffee to people astronomically wealthier than me if I initiate the invitation to get coffee.

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I try to keep the bill on a first date relatively small to avoid her feeling weird about allowing me to pay the bill. Similarly, I don’t make a big deal about refusing to let her pay for a drink or an ice cream or something. Historically, I’ve almost always paid for everything; I make good money, I enjoy going on dates, and it feels nice to treat someone else.

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If you are the guy, you offer to pay and if they ask to pay half or leave the tip, you let them. It’s that simple. Oh and I even do this for friends. it’s just called being a decent person if you can afford to do so. What goes around comes around. The assumption that guys pay is usually based on they asked x person whether male or female out to dinner or coffee or whatever.

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Well we don’t get equal pay, don’t have equal buying power, and are expected to invest far more resources and time than men are on looking a certain way for a first date. Men shower, maybe shave, throw on a button down and are out the door. I have to do mu h more to prepare.

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F- at least offer to pay for it. I personally am always prepared to split 50/50 but expect the man to pay. So for ex I would take out my wallet and he would be like “oh no I’m paying” and I would respond “ok thanks I’ve got next time” if things are going well

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