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Rising Star
You send a text and block. That’s weirdo lovebombing behavior
Agree.
Rising Star
I love gut feelings. They’ve saved me a lot of future headaches. Most important thing now is honor yourself and put yourself first. Consider it an experience but don’t dwell in it. He’s not well and it doesn’t need to be your problem.
Rising Star
Yeah I’ve been through a very similar situation with a very complicated person and if there was one thing I’d do different is to honor my early instincts and not try to find the logic.
Thank you everyone for giving insight and it was nice to hear words of encouragement and also others experience. I feel like I must update everyone about this now that we have created a bond in a way 😅
UPDATE:
I was texting as if nothing happened today and took a screenshot of the chat and deleted the dating profile. I FaceTimed him just now and asked him if he felt pressure to be exclusive, if it’s true when he said he loves me and to all that he obviously reassured me and I asked how do you lie to my face like that swearing on God and he’s like what do you mean. I sent him the screenshot while on FaceTime and he was just speechless then said maybe it’s someone else’s account and clearly denied everything (which I knew was going to happen) but I wanted to say what I needed to. I ended the call and blocked him on everything so chapter is officially closed 🥳
Conversation Starter
Can I say something?
Am damn proud of you girl 💪
Pro
You did the smart thing in checking for him on these apps. I honestly wouldn't even confront. Just break it off the cleanest way you can, then run
You dodged a bullet finding out this early! Out of curiosity, what made you have a weird gut feeling?
Have you met in person? How regularly were you seeing each other?
Unfortunately this is a special profile of guys (no social media, early ILY, etc). That said, if he was manipulative/bold enough to get you to pick out his pics for the site and think he got away with it, with no remorse — He’s unlikely to “feel guilty.” Instead, I foresee him spinning it on you and would prepare for nasty words & gaslighting if you go this route.
It’s SO hard, but not your job to serve up a growth opportunity to him. I’d shut it down, fast! — and keep your head up / hand close, instead focused on YOU and what else could bring YOU closure and peace, that does not involve him in any way.
Chief
Having experienced this myself before, I’d ghost him. He’s engaging in unacceptable behaviors. But if you out yourself as having phished him, he’ll paint you as crazy. If you try to discuss it with him, he’ll gaslight you. It’s not worth the extra grief.
Don’t delete his number from your phone, instead change his name to ‘Ignore’ and block any calls or texts from the Ignore profile. You can also add car warranty robo numbers to the profile so you don’t ever feel the urge to look him up and try to hold him accountable. Also keeps the future robo calls down. Win-win. Block him on all the apps and move on. We don’t have unlimited time in life. Don’t waste another precious moment of your life on this creep.
Chief
It’s a reactive thing.
First, set up a contact in your phone and name it ‘Ignore.’ At the bottom of the new contact, you’ll see the option to ‘Block this Caller.’ Select that option.
Each time you get a robo dial for car warranties or political donations for a party you don’t belong to, when you hang up, in your call log, add that number to an existing contact. That existing contact is ‘Ignore.’ Robo calls often come from the same number over time. It should help reduce it.
You can also do this with Spam texters. Add them to the ‘Ignore’ contact. You should also text the spam message to SPAM (7726). The cell carrier keeps a list of spam text phone numbers and will block them from the whole network if they get enough tickets logged. After you text the message to 7726, they’ll ask you to send them the phone number it came from. Do that. Et voila! More peace.
Gosh I love gut feeling. I was dating this guy few years and I just had so many weird thoughts that something was wrong. Decided to Google him and my oh my, all I needed to find was an article that just coincidentally had his name.
Long story short, I was dating a psycho that was good at disguising to make you feel you are the most beautiful woman on the planet. I ran for my dear life.
Jesus that’s scary 😱😱
Lesson learned - Google all your dates
Sounds like BPD lovebombing or something something equally as dangerous. Good on you for figuring it out. If you bring it up he’ll probably be super reactive and say some very hateful things. Be careful.
Listen… trust your gut. Your gut didn’t suspect this because this behavior is honest. It’s because it’s sneaky. And he knows it’s sneaky. That’s what you rely on that gut for.
My gut was screaming at me for years but I couldn’t find evidence of anything, so I came to the conclusion that I was a horrendous wife…. Until my husbands girlfriend reached out to me to spill the truth. My ex was so effective at hiding evidence I never could catch him, but turns out he was having an affair for two years. Liars get off on lying. Sneaking around gives them a thrill. It’s arguably a personality type, a world view, a way of seeing how they can and want to function in the world that does not even understand how to be happy in a world of transparency, honesty, and loyalty. There’s a lot of people like this, sadly probably because their parents didn’t teach them how to be happy in a world of loyalty and transparency. Nonetheless, this is a lost cause.
Someone who’s in a new relationship who is already sneaking around? This is a guy who will always be trouble, in my opinion.
Don’t let him gas light you or have the upper hand. He will find some way to spin it. Like he knew it was you or something completely insane.
Rising Star
He loved bombed you. I have seen some disastrous results from relationships with men like this - it never, ever ends well. Based on my experience (and I know there are always exceptions), anyone who starts throwing around terms like “love,” “soul mates” or “third love theory” in the first 6 weeks is either really immature or a narcissist - and someone you want to go out of your way to avoid.
Rising Star
Narcissism is more than just a strong ego or sense of self worth - it’s someone who lacks empathy and has a deep need for attention. It can be caused by a desire to mask underlying feelings of worthlessness OR because they believe they are better than or more worthy than everyone else.
Narcissists are oftentimes guilty of love bombing the objects of their attention - who feel like they are the center of the narcissist’s world…until they aren’t.
The advice I would give a friend (or, ahem, a younger version of myself) - if it feels like you’re living a scene from a movie, beware. Real connections take time and be on guard with any man who seems to want too much, too soon.
Here are a few articles that explain the connection.
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a26988344/love-bombing-signs-definition/
https://thebetteryouinstitute.com/2021/04/01/love-bombing-the-narcissistic-abuse-cycle/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201804/love-bombing-narcissists-secret-weapon
I don’t know you but this touches my heart! I had dear friend who started a relationship this way. She eventually took the man back and continued the relationship. They moved in and became engaged. She found out he was still on dating apps and confronted him. He murdered her in the most gruesome way.
Proceed with caution gets my vote
wait really?! so sorry
You don't. Just break it off and move on. There's literally no reason he needs to know that you know. What exactly would YOU gain?
And while you're at it, consider getting a restraining order. This is psychotic behavior and it's not just "cheating".
Save your energy and most importantly, be safe. ❤
Rising Star
It’s hard, but I agree the best thing is to end things, block him, and not share what you did.
I had been seeing someone somewhat casually on and off for a few years, and we started talking and planning to make it more serious. We lived in different places and were putting together a calendar to spend more time together ect ect. I had always had sort of weird feelings about him, but I couldn’t totally put my finger on it. So, I started checking the profiles of women who had liked his photos on Instagram. Lol yes. And ultimately I came across one who obviously thought she was his long term girlfriend and had years worth of couple-y photos together, including times when I know he had been with me the night before. While at many points we had not been totally exclusive, it was clear to me that it was very dishonest that he was in a relationship. I confronted him and he totally gaslight me about social media stalking him. We had a big fight and I blocked him on all channels and we never spoke again. All this to say, I’m not sure I needed the big fight and if I went back now I would probably just text him “I’ve realized I don’t want to do this with you, you just make me feel like I can’t trust you. Gut feeling, but it doesn’t work for me”. Don’t wait for a response, just block. Lol just my thoughts.
Honestly just block him. Don’t even tell him why just say hey I’m done with this and block him. He will try every which way to explain himself and even (this has happened to me) find a way to blame you and almost make you feel bad. Just Run run run
Drop him, he loved bombed you and he’s a narcissist. If he is looking for other options, make him one !
Pro
OP im proud of you for trusting tour gut and taking action. Glad you found out sooner rather than later too.
Random story but i once went on a date with a guy and as we were kissing and it was leading further i told him i had a weird feeling about him that something was off & he actually told me he hates women and thinks theyre all stupid and superficial etc etc. We ended up having like a 3 hour (amicable) conversation about it, digging into why he felt that way blah blah. Was super interesting
Pro
Also i get why so many are saying not to tell him your found out. Its true he likely wont feel guilty, but id still tell him. I was the “other woman” for a while and when i had enough of the B.S. “im going to leave her”, i told him i was done and i knew he was fucking with me and i wasnt going to let him hurt me anymore. Sure he was a serial cheater and i know he still has many side girls so its not lile i changed his ways but i got to say my peace and then never talk to him again and im proud of myself for it. So if you want to tell him for your own sake, i say do it and then move on and cut off contact.
You should ask him if he’s talking to anyone else or if he’s a actively on dating apps. If he denies it then you need to walk away. Someone who is blatantly going lie to you is not someone you want to be with
I disagree with this advice - it’s past that point. Even if he fessed up, this type of behavior isn’t acceptable.
RUN
Google everyone - you never know what it will reveal.