I‘ve been in a relationship for 2 years, and my avoidant tendencies flare up every so often when I feel let down by my SO — e.g., usually when he’s blanked on something he should have done to make me feel more supported in work or social contexts. He knows this about me and supports me wholeheartedly as I continue to work through it — but I know I can be quite cold and distant in these rare but painful moments. How do others work through this, if at all?

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Stonewalling is one of the worst thing you can do to a relationship. Your SO is not perfect, and is not going to live up your expectations 100% of the time. If something is important to you, communicate and set expectations, then give him grace for not being perfect as long as he is trying his best. If he consistently fails to meet your expectations, then you should question whether he is the right person for you. But nothing justify stonewalling, it’s extremely damaging to the relationship, you don’t get to ‘punish’ him just because he doesn’t accommodate you. As someone who has been on the receiving end of stonewalling, the best way I can describe it is that it chips away the foundation of the relationship every time you do it, and at some point there is no more foundation left to support the relationship. There is no magic pill, at least you now recognize that you are immature, recognize your emotions at the moment, accept them for what they are and let them go, hold yourselves accountable to act maturely and treat him like someone you love supposedly.

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Thank you, I needed to hear this

Go to therapy and get it sorted out.
You can get away with this in early stages but it gets in the way of everything as you start having a family.

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Hmm I think this could be a deeper root than attachment style. I am no expert, but I have “disorganized” attachment style (fearful-avoidant) and for me that just looks like a deep fear of being vulnerable with people and letting them be close to me. I think your self-awareness of the problem is definitely a good first step. Perhaps write out an outline of what you will do next time this sort of thing happens, and when writing it, think about how you would like your significant other to treat you in times you make a mistake. Remind yourself of all the things your SO does get right as well.

helpful

Thank you for this 🙏🏼 Writing things down will definitely help and hopefully keep me accountable for when emotions run high

Example: He skipped the engagement of a close friend because he didn’t want to travel for it. In turn, I didn’t invite him to the wedding, and I didn’t speak to him the entire weekend via phone/text. In those moments, I feel he doesn’t “deserve” to pick and choose when he shows up for me — and I also feel extremely immature.

If you’re communicating that you need space, then the dynamic isn’t quite as bad as it first seemed. But the reason that you’re taking space is still concerning/hurtful. It sounds like you could work on managing expectations for your relationship as well as communication.

Do you see a therapist? I know that’s a common question here, but I can speak from experience that therapy really helped me address and improve my own issues with communication. It sounds like you want to change your behavior. It’s definitely possible to do so. Good luck 🍀

I highly suggest the book “Attached” by Amir Levine. It dives into the 3 attachment styles and gets into actionable tips on how to cultivate healthy relationships for each of them.

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