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Chief
Sorry to hear that. No advice other than don’t try to let her gaslight you into thinking the whole thing is your fault for snooping through her phone.
I'm all for ghosting on a cheater, on the other hand, I'm glad I I didn't. I confronted them and came to realize I had blown what I'd seen online out of proportion and they hadn't cheated at all.
TS1, The video only said: "When I was X years old I fell for a guy, and he broke my heart" She didn't mention lockdown in the video, the bullets I listed was my interpretation.
To the others, I agree she may be lying, but I do think it's possible for people to overreact. It's too much for me to type all my reasons for and against believing her. At the very least, this was not a sex tape or even flirty texts.
There are other warning signs, and I'm generally pretty insecure. Lack of trust is bad for a relationship too, whether or not she cheated. We've talked about it and are both on the fence anyway. This one could end soon.
Just dump her, don't tell her why
Yes, past cheating is a more reasonable suspicion now, but OP should stay focused on a fact-based conversation about confirmed cheating, without bringing up old rumors that distract from the main issue and have no concrete proof.
id just say you know she cheated & end things. keep it simple.
Rising Star
You don't owe her an explanation of how you know, although she can probably figure it out. Just tell her you know and don't let her make you feel guilty (although I agree with other posts that if you're going through her phone, y'all had issues already).
Why do you need to bring it up at all?
Just end it and don’t explain why.
It’ll rattle her more than confronting her about cheating.
Make it vague - “I don’t see a future for us” “you don’t seem invested in this” etc.
If he says he knows she will turn it agaisnt him that he went through her phone and try to find reasons for her cheating, if she even admits that she was cheating
Rising Star
OP, cheating is worse than going through someone’s phone. End it for your own sake. If you had trust issues before, imagine them now after knowing this.
Rising Star
I mean, it doesn’t matter at this point. If you bring it up she’ll probably scream at you for going through her phone. But like, she still cheated and it sounds like the relationship is over
Confront her and ask if there is anything she wants to confess, if she doesn’t, break up and move on (although u should probably break up either way)
Former = ask her to leave with her things
Latter = kick her to the curb
Pro
So sorry to hear this OP. After 6 years, I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.
To answer your question, no reason to beat around the bush. Just tell her that you went through her phone, and that even though you know that’s not right (unless you guys explicitly said it’s ok for you to do that), you saw her texts. Sit back and let her explain. Don’t divulge how much you read or any details. React accordingly.
I’ve been cheated on before and I’ve learned a few things:
- I would rather confront someone and be direct. Just know that they’ll be on the defensive, so try to say it in the most calm direct way as possible. Give them a chance to explain themselves. More importantly, ask them what they want to do next. Maybe they needed a catalyst to break up with you and this gives them a chance for you to do it for them – who knows.
- Do you guys live together? If so, logistically this might be hard. Given covid times, not sure what both of your finances are or how hard it is to relocate, but have few scenarios prepared for her: does someone move out, and who; what about remainder of the lease? when do you need to move out by? Is there anywhere you can go temporarily if she refuses to leave? Also are both your names on the lease, if so it’ll be hard to get her to leave legally.
- Self-reflection. Only you know how much you’re willing to deal with. Why did you decide to check her phone? Have you felt this suspicious only recently or have you always had this feeling? Did you trust her prior? How did she cheat - physically, emotionally, how long was it? Is she remorseful? What’s her reason? Those would all influence my decision on how to react and the decisions I take next. People can recover from cheating, but it takes a lot of work and therapy, and not sure if it’s worth it for you – only you know that. In my experience, it’s very hard to get back on track.
I wouldn’t hold to firm on any decisions right now because you’re missing some info, but I would take the time to think through scenarios and understand what you’re ok with and where you draw the line. If you’ve heard enough and want to break up, just map out the scenario for her and show her the consequences. Leave little room for debating back and forth.
Finding out someone cheated on you can be an incredibly emotionally draining and scarring. Remember that no matter who’s to blame about issues, cheating is never ok. So no matter what she says, she’s not right.
This is why you don't go through people's phones. Especially when you haven't made up your mind on what you want to do.
Rising Star
So, I’m married and we use each other’s phones all the time.
If I had a suspicion that my spouse was cheating darn right I’m going to go through their phone.
Just move on. There are plenty of other fish in the bowl.
Lol are you me? But seriously just bring it up and decide quickly if you're willing to look past it or not and either end it or decide what the new normal is. No matter what, don't be guilted because you looked through the phone and remember that you're not at fault because she cheated.
Rising Star
How did she cheat during a panemic tho
“Honey, I’m gonna run to the store for some.... masks. Don’t wait up!”
Sorry to hear that King 👑 you deserve way better than this and dump her without a doubt
Enthusiast
It depends, maybe take the time to catalog your relationship and determine if this is the right person.
Adults should be able to discuss their relationship, how they are feeling and why. If there is no trust from both parties maybe this isn’t the best relationship regardless of what you saw.
Good luck.🍀
Chief
It’s like the psychology studies they did on binge drinking. The true population of binge drinkers is about 10% of the population. But people that actively engage in binge drinking falsely overestimate the true population of binge drinkers, thinking that 30% or 40% of the general population engages in binge drinking. They tend to associate themselves with like people, so it’s just their perception that seemingly everyone does it. This idea has been expanded to countless other areas and can be summarized that if you yourself engage in a particular behavior, you falsely believe that others are more likely to engage in the same type of behavior. If she’s suspicious of you cheating, it’s more likely than average (although not indicative) that she herself cheats.
I had an exgirlfriend that went through my phone. Luckily it was early on in the relationship. I was trusting and never kept a password on my phone. Nothing to hide. But she confronted me saying she read my texts and found nothing. But it goes to show her character. I later found out after like 4 months just how compulsive of a liar she was, which explained the distrust and her going through my phone when I gave her no reason or cause to do so. She was just suspicious because she knew what her patterns of behavior were like, and assumed I lied all the time as well.
In terms of if I have any advice for you, she doesn’t care if you went through her phone. Performing that act isn’t as bad as what she did to you. Letting her know why can provide her with closure. While you may not need to provide an explanation, you could take the higher road and give her the closure. To not do so would feel like torture. Plus it could be therapeutic for you to let off some steam. Just put it all out into the open would be my recommendation. Nothing good comes from secrets.
Rising Star
-if someone is suspicious that you’re cheating they likely are
-ex was a liar and thus suspicious of him/her
-kind to give cheating gf closure
(you’re welcome!)
Community Builder
Definitely talk about it with her. For your own sake. The closure you get now I think will help you down the line in future relationships. I didn’t get the closure in the past and it made it hard for me to trust again.
Also don’t stay with them. If you’ve been together since high school neither of you have probably been with other people or many other people. She’s probably curious as to what else is out there. Take it from me, she’ll say she won’t do it again and she probably won’t for a while but her curiosity will peak again!
OP please elaborate on what on her phone makes you reasonably sure she cheated.
Conversation Starter
Omg have you all missed that they were together for 6 years! It's not as simple as "just brake up". I'm sure they've made future plans together and to just let those hopes/dreams go isn't a simple decision. I've known a few couples who have been able to work past these kinds of transgressions. Everyone is so quick to end things instead of trying to work them out. There's no such thing as a perfect person nor relationship. Everything takes work, compromise, and communication. OP needs to talk about it with they're partner and decided together what they want to try to do. Now, I'm not saying that repeat offense are ok, everyone should have a limit and boundaries should be respected. But if you're not willing to try you'll always be alone and no one will ever fit your "perfect" expectation.
Enthusiast
One thing to stay with a cheater who admits it to you. For instance, “babe, last night something happened and I messed up”. Compared to someone keeping it a secret.
For me, it is possible to work through the first one, albeit unlikely. Impossible for the second one. Shows too much of a character flaw
I know going through someone’s phone is an issue in and of itself but I’m just really distraught right now because we have been dating since high school and I never would have expected this
Did she cheat once ? With one person ? Or multiple times ? Cheating is cheating not that it matters but I am just curious.
Also- I do believe that once a cheater always a cheater.
I have been cheated on, forgave the guy, and a few months later he cheated on me again.