Just got married this past weekend and found out that 15% of the guests didn’t give wedding gifts. Do I confront them in a nice way?

funnylikeuplifting
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Whew the entitlement

likefunnysmart

Not bringing a gift is tacky, confronting someone over not bringing a gift is tackier

likesmarthelpful

so well said

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Also you don’t, confront people? Like I understand the expectation is they bring a gift, but the reason people invite others to their wedding should not be for gifts but because they care about having them there on a special day.

likeuplifting

And while I totally agree with you, I feel these days many people invite people with the expectation of a gift because it’s in good form and the right thing to do since we all know per person plates easily cost $100+.

I personally believe the people invited to your wedding should truly be those who have positively impacted you, your partner, and your relationship and those you couldn’t imagine not being there with you. I think people should focus on that and not all the hype of what wedding magazine sell

likesmart

I didn’t realize gifts were mandatory. IMHO its a bit tacky to expect one. I hope I’m not offending you but that’s just how I feel.

likefunnysmarthelpful

D11, it is still expected. You make more than 90-95% of workers in this country. At the very least you should always show up with a card. That’s incredibly inconsiderate and rude to show up empty handed especially at a wedding where you were in the wedding party😟

Just curious, are you matching up gifts with the seating chart or something? We just wrote thank you notes for each gift we got and don't think we even noticed who gave a gift or who didn't by time we were done. I love spreadsheets but this is one place where I would not use one to track this 😉
Also a relative had a really fancy wedding and we spent so much money on travel, babysitting, outfits to wear, that I truly wanted to give a gift worth more but had to give less due to budget. I still feel bad about it but this relative has been gracious enough to never mention it and we still hang out at barbecues. You don't know the financial situation of every guest and even if there are some who were just looking for a free meal, consider they took time to celebrate you and let karma deal with it all, don't take it upon yourself.

likesmart

Agreed here. Some of my friends got married in their early 20s, I spent money on outfits, traveling and hotel just to be there. I helped out with set up, clean up, and running errands - giving my time, but I didn’t give a cash gift. The couple never mentioned it and I was grateful for that. When they had their kid, I gave a little more than normal.

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They have a year to give a gift!

likeuplifting

Fully agree with you C12

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Gifts aren’t required... they paid money to come celebrate your marriage with you. Their presence should be present enough.

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Wrong

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Why would you confront them?

likefunnyupliftingsmarthelpful

Send out a mass thank you for attendance and gifts!! Then those who didn't will be reminded. That being said, while it is good form to give a gift, it's not mandatory and I wouldn't hold grudges over something so small.

likefunnyhelpful

In this day and age, handwritten mail is not the ONLY way to show gratitude. I would also accept an email. Besides, handwritten mail means I have to find a place for the card and then feel bad about recycling it later or stuff it into a box that I won’t be opening again

like

When I travel to friends weddings, I don’t bring a gift. It usually costs thousands in travel just to get there.

likesmartfunny

The guests are coming to celebrate you, their friendship and time is a gift, cherish it!

^^They have a year. But even if they never come through, let it go. There is no way you won’t come across poorly. Do you want to damage a relationship because someone didn’t buy you the towels you wanted? Doubtful.

like

This 100%. If the towels are more important than the relationship, you should not have invited them in the first place

likesmartfunny

For those of y'all who don't know, it's good etiquette to give a gift that's about equivalent to how much the cost per plate of dinner is, and that's per how many people in your party are attending. When me & my husband attend a wedding we plan to gift at least $100, whether that's through a physical gift or cash. Yes, I know for some it's expensive enough to just attend (attire,hotel, travel), but if you can't pay for your meal and expect the couple to cover everything, maybe just don't go. It's way more expensive for the couple, they have to cover the same things as you but also the cost to rent out a space, hire an officiant, dj, bartenders for you to have free fun while you're there. Obvi nobody is forcing them to have an expensive wedding, but the costs only rise with more guests attending. Now if it's literally your best friend or close family your presence is expected, especially if you're in the wedding party, and it's much different. Now we also invited a lot of our friends who were still in college at the time & we knew what their financial situations were like and did not expect a gift in return. But it sure is annoying when your parents invited a 2nd cousin or relative that you really didn't care if they were there and they show up & still didn't bring a gift.

Also same goes for RSVP'ing yes and then not showing up! You just wasted a $60 plate that was already paid for!

Sorry I guess my wedding frustrations are still pretty fresh - Ok rant over ❤️

likefunnyhelpfuluplifting

If that’s how people throwing a wedding look at it- probably best not to have one. I usually consider it a favor on my end to show up, not the other way around. It’s not exactly a privilege to attend someone’s wedding, unless it’s a close friend getting married. Not sure why people are out there acting like we should be paying them back in folds for a party they threw for themselves, with usually sub-par catering food.

like

Yes, please confront them and then please offer to reimburse their travel and accommodation cost ...

likefunnysmart

#firstworldproblems

likefunny

If it bothers you a lot, you can keep track of who didn’t give a gift and don’t gift at their weddings in the future.

likefunny

lolol.. I laughed so loudly

A few things. 1. No one is allowed to make an argument about if whether gift giving is right or wrong. The question on this post is not about that - in fact most respondents have all said they themselves Always bring gifts. The question is about if you have a right to demand and expect a gift when you did not get one (Eg - the actual thread).

2. A6 - I am desperately trying to understand your view and responses but here are a few things I can say -
a. You keep ignoring the rationale arguments people are making towards you like calling them rude and tacky with no etiquette when they have said they always bring gifts
B. Demanding and expecting a gift, without knowing what’s happening in someone’s life, is a sign of entitlement and priceless,
C. I’m not sure where you got the gender bias from - I’m female and am a bit appalled by your messages and tone,
D. Even when people try to be rationale with you on this thread, you’ve called them names / and have hidden behind crying emojis and “lols” and “go back to your life” as though you are brushing it all off and don’t care - even if you don’t there are better ways to get your point across. Rather your lil tactics are quite
akin to how Trump brushes off rationale thought and pointed questions. You may be a supporter in which case I suppose I’ve complimented you;
E. Last but not least - you work at Accenture - part of our job as consultants is to meet companies / people from all different walks of life and be open minded. Does it even occur to you that the fact so many people have spoke out against your point of view may actually indicate there is even an IOTA in understanding what you can learn about yourself, how you are perceived on a forum like this (and perhaps even how you present yourself publicly)?

3. We asked for no gifts at our wedding. Some people brought some some didn’t. For me - I looked at each person no differently. I was just grateful they came. It was our choice what to spend and that’s all I have to say about that. I have brought gifts to weddings but there were times when I was younger and spending a lot on travel and hotel and it was too much while a student where I couldn’t afford it, and I did a nice card. But if I knew some people expected my gift to help cover the cost of their wedding, like some on this thread, that would’ve appalled me.

Anyway let’s move on. Except a6. I hope you just take away some new lesson from this

likesmartupliftingfunny

Partner 1 crushed it. Can we agree that is the trump post and put this thread to bed?

likeuplifting

Hope this is a joke. I am Asian where weddings are semi-expected to be revenue neutral for the bride and groom as almost all gifts are cash... and even so I think it would be unseemly to “confront” anyone who didn’t give something.

like

This thread is literally just fodder for promoting a courthouse wedding and calling it a day. Loving someone really doesn’t have to be so complicated or frustrating

likesmartfunny

Confront them so your friends know your entitlement and cut off contact from you

likefunny

On that note— I’m single and most of my friends are married. It’s like I don’t get gifts because I’m not getting married. Should I just ask for bday presents?

likefunnyhelpful

Apartments / home ownership whatever it’s all expensive.

My friends don’t really give gifts or anything so I don’t either

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