{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Just had an argument with the wife about who's working \"harder\" at this moment. She's a nurse and I respect what she's going through. But she's making it seem like things is all easy with me working from home and watching a toddler by myself. I argued well I acknowledged how hard you worked during maternity leave while watching our daughter while I worked. I'm basically doing both roles at the same time. She said its not really the same thing but I think thats hypocritical. Am I wrong?", "post_id": "5fd83d495fd5ef0028ab73bc", "reply_count": 144, "vote_count": 18, "bowl_id": "5e6fe1c31f5e51001d267e46", "bowl_name": "The Work-Life Bowl", "feed_type": "bowl" }
null

Just had an argument with the wife about who's working "harder" at this moment. She's a nurse and I respect what she's going through. But she's making it seem like things is all easy with me working from home and watching a toddler by myself. I argued well I acknowledged how hard you worked during maternity leave while watching our daughter while I worked. I'm basically doing both roles at the same time. She said its not really the same thing but I think thats hypocritical. Am I wrong?

likefunnyhelpful
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First, thank you for wanting to be there for your partner as well as sacrificing time with your spouse while they put themselves on the line for the rest of us. With the vaccine coming out, we see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Now, you asked if you were wrong. If I may, I think a different question would serve you better. We can argue the merits of both positions, but a comparison is moot in this situation. This isn't an intellectual or scientific based debate. They're two subjective experiences and, unless you're able to agree on metrics by which you can quantify the effort involved with your respective work, weighing them appropriately for environmental levers (i.e. hazardous conditions, etc.), I'd step away from that argument altogether. It's the distraction, the red hereing to the actual question. If my husband was a nurse in this COVID climate and started to discount the effort I put in, I'd ask questions to better understand his frame of mind. Maybe he's so stressed that it's causing him to be resentful, covid is taking a mental toll on our Healthcare workers. I would also consider there must be an underlying issue if my husband lashes out at me instead of telling me he's exhausted, afraid, heartbroken, etc. I would assure my unconditional love for him. Tell him he's amazing, brave, and history will remember him for everything he's doing. The vaccine is rolling out, there's hope, there's light - and he was a major part of it. Later, once things returned to a manageable, healthy baseline, I'd consider telling him that it really hurt me when he discounted my efforts because I want him to be proud of me.

Just my 2 cents, thanks again for the sacrifices your family has made. I'm so sorry these crazy times; they're taking such a toll on our health workers and the people they love most (that's you and your kiddos). Hang in there.

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I am not a woman; but from what I hear, being away from the child you’ve recently carried is difficult. To say the least. Difficult physically and mentally.
Let’s add a global pandemic.. which she currently deals with. On a daily basis. . Think about it.. Imagine how truly draining that must be?
And we’re not done yet.
Being a nurse requires a lot of physical movement (depending on how busy her place of work is). Theres the juggling of different personalities. Both in a public and office setting. And remember, her personal emotional tank is dry but she still has to show empathy. A doctors office, clinic, hospital, etc. is most likely a cesspool of negative emotions right now. On some level she’d probably rather be home with her new born and husband.
So what does she have? Let’s tally it up.

A job which requires multiple streams of consciousness
A husband.
Whose complaining (‘debating’ or what ever different semantic comeback that could be used if one was to be petty).
About being at home.
With her newborn child.
Staying safe from the virus.
She has to face.
Every single day. ..

Now. I’m not looking to downplay your possible frustrations. Having a deadline with 57 unread emails is daunting.
And now there’s a baby that just shit themselves. Ekk

But in the grand scheme of things... it’s not the same. Your emails will get read. The pamper will be changed.
And come 7/8 o’clock. She’ll be back to to take over with the baby. Your day will end and your anxiety and subside.

Be her husband. Be her pillar. Be her rock.

And never ‘one up’ the person you love in an argument. That’s a low blow

Recent IconRecent

Wife is always right I’ve been told

likefunnysmarthelpful

Wife is always right, when she is wrong, she gets half what you own :-), joking aside, in these type of conversation, let thw wife win and learn to pick your battles.

like

What are you intending to gain from winning this argument?

My advice is to start by saying “this isn’t an argument I want to win. We’re on the same side and both super stressed. Covid sucks”. And go from there

likesmarthelpfulfunny

Best marriage advice I have ever heard!

like

In this situation you gotta jam that empathetic marital babble fish in your ear so that when you hear “you have it so easy” it is translated as “I need relief and I’m suffering”

No doubt about it, you’re also working your ass off. But that is NOT what she’s communicating to you

likesmarthelpfulfunny

I love this. Reframing the actual words people are saying with context clues from around you is mentally taxing but goes a long way to getting to the route of problems and nipping arguments in the Bud

likeuplifting

Why does it need to be a competition? Aren’t you both working hard? Her job must be more demanding with the pandemic. And you are adjusting to working full time while taking care of a child.

likehelpfulsmart

This. Why is it a competition. you guys are a team, act like one.

like

You each have difficult situations. The question is, what would she like the outcome to be? Does she want you to agree with her that she works harder than you or does she expect you to do more around the house? If it’s the latter, are there more things you can do around the house to give the impression you are doing more? I feel your position because my wife is a physical therapist and she’s also pregnant, she thinks I have it easier and in some aspects I do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t do anything at home. So what I did was, try to do more around the house that she notices like cook dinner for the week and clean while I carry my 18 month old in a baby carrier. We’re in a unique time in our lives and we need to focus on our families first. Hope your situation improves and you each recognize each other’s efforts.

likesmart

I find it interesting that you said that you could do more like cooking and cleaning, so aren't you helping at all with home chores?
If not, that needs to change and forever, you are both professionals and parents and it is unfair to dump it on one person when you are both working. Yes, you are taking care of the kid during the day, but you are both equality tired at the end of the day :(
What we do in my house is not care too much or ask at all during the week, and focus on doing as much as we can during the weekend... we just don't have the energy after work.

likehelpful

I’m at home alone most days with 2 kids under the age of 6. My typical day is 12 hours of back to back meetings and double booked for most of them. My wife is a doctor out in the field during a pandemic. Her coworkers are dying. Her patients are dying. She works harder. Taking care of your kids is exhausting but it’s not “work” and isn’t a chore... it’s what you’re supposed to do.

likehelpful

How do you function?- I have 2 kids under 3. I can’t do what you’re doing with all the calls I have, supervisory respon. etc

like

Why is it always nurses patting themselves on the back? You never see military folks post “hero” on their own Facebook pictures lol

likefunny

D2 - The military does not start wars, blame politicians. The military only does as directed by politicians who are propped-up by companies that profit on war. Also, there is much more to the military than fighting wars i.e., Covid response, fighting wild fires, cleaning up and providing various resources in the event of disasters (floods, tornadoes, hurricanes, etc.)

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My brother works as security guard in one the hospitals here. He said the healthcare hero thing have gotten to the nurses head and they’ve become so entitled. They treat anyone who isn’t a nurse like complete crap. One nurse called him an atrocity, another screamed at him. It was never like that before COVID. My aunt is the ultrasound manager in the same hospital and she said the same thing, the nurses have made her staff cry. I know they’re working in a pandemic but you chose that profession and knew every 100 years there is some kind of pandemic/epidemic. There is no need to be nasty to people you feel are beneath you.

likefunny

^ But P1, my mommy told me I was special 🤣

funny

Right now, i do think frontline medical professionals have it the hardest. I don’t think you aren’t working hard, as to be honest it sounds so tough for you! I just think the added mental fatigue of Covid and dealing with it each day at work as a nurse would be insane. You both sound like your working super hard and dealing with a lot so hopefully you find a way to acknowledge that rather than compete. It may end the argument if you acknowledge what she is saying/how hard she is working and she will likely say something nice back to you.

likehelpful

Thanks everyone for your responses. Just want to provide an update. We talked it out. We agreed that in addition to the pressure of this whole pandemic, and raising a child we have also been searching for our first house for the past 2 months. I believe that added alot more stress due than we realized due to the hot market and constantly losing out and disagreeing on what we wanted. Happily we had our latest offer accepted and are currently in the closing process. It definatly felt like a huge burden lifted.

likeuplifting

Congrats on the new home. That was a frustrating time! We closed just before the lockdowns in March. Everytime we would see a house we loved by the time we got home to discuss it was sold lol

She is dealing with a huge amount of stress including seeing people die everyday while not being able to do anything to save them. That alone is not comparable to anything that we do in accounting.

likehelpful

I think this misses the point. This isn’t a competition, and even if it was winning wouldn’t give you the right to down play someone else’s very real struggles

E.g., Sure being homeless for 1 year is worse than being homeless for 1 month, but the former person shouldn’t down play the latter persons struggle.

These two should both just have empathy for each and do what they can to help each other cope.

You guys are a team this shouldn’t be a competition

likehelpful

Agree that it's not a competition.

But also were lying to ourselves that any management consulting job is harder than being a nurse on the front lines of covid.

We love thinking that we are important bc we have high bill rates and a high salary, but let's be honest, us working hard is doing PPT and making excel models that might help some company increase top line revenue by a tiny bit.

Nurses and doctors are literally saving lives. It's not even close

likehelpful

Being a nurse in a global pandemic tops any remote work and babysitting. Not that the latter is easy by any means, but I wouldn’t trade working in a hospital during a pandemic, so much pressure and stress

like

SVP1 has just ended the conversation with his/her comment. #micdrop

No offense but nothing we do matters to anyone really so if you care that much to win that argument then maybe accounting isn’t even for you

like

Can you not put your toddler in daycare? I have two toddlers and both are in daycare.

like

While I agree that medical workers are more important to the society, it isn’t what this post is about. Note that OP used the term working ‘harder’. Working from home with a toddler is not an easy job. OP and his wife are under a lot of stress with covid just like a lot of people are, being a spouse to a medical worker can’t be easy either. Just like how OP’s wife is looking for supports, OP can benefit from supports as well. If we can all use kinder words and be supportive, it will go a long way.

likesmart

Nurses are on their feet all day and right now everything they do is rushed, requires extra steps, etc. and with PPE, they can’t even just take a break and chat with a coworker or grab a coffee. So, she sees you sitting at a desk, thinking about stuff and having some control over your time.
That’s all.
I agree that she’s just trying to communicate her suffering, though, not necessarily diminishing yours.

like

It sounds like she is looking for appreciation and validation. This is not a competition, winning the argument is essentially losing on the relationship, and I doubt that’s what you are looking for. Her work is stressful and no one can deny that, an acknowledgment would go a long way. Start an productive discussion by being a listener and acknowledge what she is saying, then once you guys are at a place you feel like you are on the same team, try coming with something small you can do to be supportive together. Start with something small, it’s the gesture that courts.

like

Unrelated to the argument, but my impression is that colleagues who have embraced their toddlers presence and used their interruptions for comic relief and joy have faired better. Embrace the fact that you need to take a break to put your toddler down or that they are screaming bloody murder during a zoom call. Have a laugh excuse yourself, ask to reschedule or follow up via email. Your coworkers will understand, it’s a crazy time. Take care of yourself and enjoy the ride! Basically don’t stress over taking breaks or your kid interrupting an “Important” sales call, we get it man. Just don’t wall yourself off, open yourself up and expect support and understanding from your coworkers. Hopefully then when you finish the work day starting your personal evening with your family won’t seem like a chore.

like

i didn’t get past the first sentence and already knew you are not in your right mind. you might want to rethink your position on this. oh and if you want a successful marriage, here’s a tip. if you’re ever asking yourself if you’re wrong, you are.

like

diplomacy on the internet? you’ve been here before right? or is this your first time? 🤔

likefunny

Yikes. The passive aggressiveness I'm sensing from the wife. I'm sour and I think you are responding great. I would've responded ”we both wipe asses everyday, what’s your point?” 😂😂 -from a fellow wife and daughter of a nurse

likefunny

Raising their daughter during this time can have a huge impact on who she becomes when she grows up, it is no small task.

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