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What are your goals and what are your shared goals?
Pls note I am not talking about your WANTS, I am talking about your GOALS. What are you mapping out and planning for, in a way that influences your decision-making short and long term?
Within 6-12mo of dating, that š should be a regular part of your conversations and relationship. If youāre not that long in the tooth yet, keep having fun sis!
Be intentional, for sure. Money is a loaded topic and too important to hope it just organically comes up one day. If you donāt know where youāre going, you donāt know if youāre making the right moves to get there
My favorite way to do this is a Money Date. This is a standing, recurring night where you crack open a bottle of wine, order your favorite takeout, and sit down with your questions, goals, spreadsheets, whatever. You make it consistent & expected, you make it pleasurable, you make it a safe neutral space to dream and concretely plan, you make sure itās not a negotiation room, and you make sure you both know to listen with empathy to what might make the other person uncomfortable or vulnerable ā and voila, it becomes empowering. The MAIN goal is to have a way to sync up on what you want and how youāll get thereā¦ not to solve a specific budget problem over one conversation.
First one? Hella awkward. Itās ok to pump the breaks early bc you know and trust youāll revisit the topic in X amt of time.
This is how it is for me and my husband (met in college). We always knew it would be the case because of different career paths. Heās in education and will never earn a huge salary. For us, itās irrelevant in terms of our relationship. We handle finances as all one pot and weāre a team. Married 18 years. How you approach money together is important along with how you communicate, show love and respect, support each other, and work through problems and hard times. If heās a good guy and good for you, the salary gap itself isnāt a problem.
Rising Star
Seconding that you have to figure out my goals. Iām gunning for partner and my husband is a stay at home dad - these were both of our goals pre-kids. Is it the dynamic every family wants? Probably not. Did it align with our goals? Yes
Only you can answer this question ā based on your vision of / goals for the future. Is it the gap that bothers you? Or the combined household income potential? - Or are you concerned about carrying more of weight as the primary bread winner?
You note heās okay with it. How do those convos go? Do you feel like thereās complementary support / give take in other areas to equal out? Do you feel like heās willing to pick up the slack with consulting hours / demanding career? There are other facets that make a home / relationship function, or things that factor into what makes a good partnership (from household mgmt/upkeep type tasks, to childcare / carting around, to emotional support, etc). It becomes an issue, not in inequitable contributions, financially, but as a whole.
Last thought: Have you spent time digging in/exploring why thereās something in the back of your mind, making you question whether it would be okay for you to make more than your partner? ā some āunspokenā societal messages / expectations of masculinity/ātraditionalā gender roles of the past are may be popping up. If you think this could be playing a part in the discomfort, there are a lot of couples in similar situations to reach out to (self included) and resources out there to help unpack what it means to be a man / woman today, ā and undefining traditional roles and traits, for deeper connection and more fulfilling relationships in the long run.
Pro
āš½especially the last paragraph
My hubby and I are the same.
Heās a teacher and Iām in Consulting. Heās my house hubby. I donāt need him to earn more than me ever. Why? Because I can be the breadwinner and provide for us as long as he is supportive of my career.