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I cook all of our meals too. And we don’t like the same food - so I make two different meals each time🥲
But yes, I agree with everyone here saying that he should be returning the favor in other ways - whether it’s doing the dishes, laundry, or cleaning the apt.
My SO is lazy AF and doesn’t do any of the above but he does pay more for the apt...
Damn M10, I had to take notes on that one 😂
Chief
So you make more $, pay more rent, make him food all the time even if “it leaves you with nothing”, he doesn’t do it in return and then he says you don’t need a maid? What actually attracts you to him? It sounds like you’re replacing his mom. I’d pull back on this behavior, unless of course, you like to cater to your partner without limits. Do what makes you happy but don’t be a doormat.
Tbh this sounds like the kind of man that would up and leave at some point when he’s “made it” and he has free support the whole way there
Chief
My husband does all cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, and taking care of our puppies.
Ugh FTI where do I find one 😭😭
What does your SO do for you? It has to be returned in someway. In my case I do cooking and my SO do laundry and majority cleaning.
Conversation Starter
I mean... the folding is the part with the most work involved so idk if you’re getting a good deal there 😅
Rising Star
This is silly. You are not his maid or his mom. You need to set boundaries and also put him in charge of household tasks (that he fully owns). No one likes chores. It’s why they are called chores and not “super awesome good time fun”. He needs to stop when the fussing and grow up and you, likewise, need to let him. Give him ownership and let him do it without stepping in. Figure out how you can split the household chores that are constant (cooking, food shopping, laundry, cleaning bathrooms, dishes) and how you split the periodic chores (yard work, trash, deep cleaning, etc).
Don’t assume the full weight of cooking unless you unload the full weight of something equally persistent and time consuming. Even if you like to cook, being responsible for ALL of the food every day is a grind.
I’ve been married for nearly 20 years and working from home for 10. When I’m home, I’m working, not doing household stuff, so we split dinner responsibilities- even if that means he grabs takeout on the way home.
He’s responsible for his own breakfast and lunch. Dinner is shared/split. He makes breakfast for the kids, I make lunches for them. I love to cook and I’m better at it, but putting him in charge of some meals is a break for me and makes him appreciate the amount of work and planning that goes into it each day.
For reference- he also makes 4x more than me (I make great money but he is in a lucrative field), but that doesn’t mean I need to do more around the house to compensate. We both work similar hours and when we are done for the day, our work at home is split evenly.
Good luck OP! These conversations can be awkward but they are SO necessary in a relationship to keep things facing in the right direction.
Conversation Starter
Preach. When I was dating my last guy and he would come over all the time since he lived with other people and wouldn’t have privacy in his rented out bedroom 🙄 It felt like I was catering to him all the time because of this. He started getting comfortable enough to go in my fridge for food. That’s fine lol. He also became acquainted with those pots and pans, seasonings, spatulas, strainers. I was about to make him start taking out the trash but I broke up with him lol. Lesson is they will be as lazy as you allow them to be. I like to cater every now and then, but don’t take my kindness for a weakness bay-be.
Conversation Starter
Thanks all. We’ve been together for a long time and started dating when I was younger. He also comes from a different country that’s way more conservative and more gender divided.
So, there are some cultural differences here.
He does thank me and has always said I need to learn how to do things like cook and clean because those are just survival skills we should all have. He had to take care of his family from a very young age, so I think that he thinks he deserves a break now. However, he has said he’ll help out if I create some kind of schedule, so I think that’s what I’ll have to do.
The problem is that when I was younger, I just wanted to get his approval in a way (first bf I’ve had), so I’ve felt that I’m so far behind every other woman. I didn’t know how to cook before, but now it’s better. I have a better grasp of how to keep my “home/apartment “ clean and take care of things. But I feel like even though he has become more Americanized, he does still have those distinctions in what he thinks women should do vs men, and I clearly need to just try out a schedule and ask him to follow it.
Maybe I’ve just been hoping that he would “get it” without me having to force it, but I guess not 🤷♀️
To all you ladies who have pointed out that boundaries need to be set, and I need to be careful if this is how the rest of my life is going to go, I totally agree with you and I just need to be stronger in standing up for myself.
He’s a good guy, and I don’t mean to give the impression that he doesn’t know how to do anything. He’s the one who taught me, but I just want him to not feel entitled and get spoiled
Also seconding what PWC2 said. Him saying he would “help out” if you make a list is just another way to put the burden on you to make him do the minimum. He LIVES there and is equally responsible for proactively taking care of the space. Women are NOT the project managers of the home.
This explains it very well: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
I cook dinner on the weekdays for both of us and when we go out on the weekend, all on him. It’s probably an overkill if you make sure he has food but you’re left w/ none
I am married and it's not like that. Being with SO means compromise. If you cook, then he should do cleaning or laundry. Or you both do it together. My husband and I do things together. We make breakfast/lunch/dinner together, do laundry together (I wash, he folds). Since we both work in separate places, we use it as time to catch up and talk.
I think it’s ridiculous even if you were married. He’s not your child. I can see dinner if he is in the office and you are home and coffee as I assume that’s for both of you, but everything else? Hell no. And if he can’t be bothered with any other household chores, than he can hire a cleaning service out of his own pocket. Do not chip in when you are already doing more than your share.
The longer you let this go on, the harder it will be to get an equitable set-up. Stop making all of his meals and start demanding he do his part.
I was you with my SO of 6 years. I told myself I enjoyed taking care of him, and I did. But it wears on you. I think back of how he took advantage of me and was just downright selfish, even tho he would thank me and was capable of doing every thing himself. I was also traveling and he wasn’t yet I kept the apt clean. After all this, he still left us and said he didn’t want to marry me. Never. Again. Equal partnerships only.
Rising Star
Sometimes when I think back, I also wish I had left sooner. But that relationship taught me a lot about myself and what I wanted in a partner. I had two more LTR’s before getting married. I’m not sure I’d be where I am without having those experiences so I don’t dwell on the past.
I hope you have (or find) someone who’s an equal partner!
Chief
Um. A relationship is a partnership.
So it’s fine that you do those things for him but how does he add to the relationship and what does he do?
Does he clean?
Does he cook on weekends?
Does he pay all of the bills, including your half?
Does he plan dates or other things?
If not - then maybe give your self esteem a second look and ask yourself why you feel that you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t add any value to the relationship or your life. Stop doing those things for him. Just stop.
Conversation Starter
Sounds like you both live together? So I’m assuming this is a long term serious relationship? Is that right?
I’m married and I do none of that. I make him do that and outsource the rest.
Pro
Why do you think roles should change if you’re married? Why do you give him all the food if it means you have none? You need to eat too.
Cooking all the meals for him is one thing, but other household responsibilities should be discussed between you two and split. You both have full time jobs from what it sounds.
When I moved in with my bf, my mom told me not to do anything now that I don’t plan to do for the rest of my life. Basically she’s saying it’s easier to make adjustments earlier in the relationship vs developing the routine and then trying to change it.
Can anyone comment on what I did please, not sure if it's fair or I was being a terrible girlfriend: my partner and I are both busy (IB/Consulting), I'm a lazy person and when I live alone I don't get up until 2min before my morning call and I focus too much at work and sometimes forget about lunch. My meals are mostly just something quick and easy. My partner is also a bit lazy but he indeed tries to have properly made meals at the right time. I was unhappy when he made his own food without my portion (several times) and I told him if he is going to make some food please make it double portion so that I can get a bite as well. He still didn't really do it (other than one time cereal breakfast). I feel he might think I'm just lazy and taking advantage of him. But the reality is I wouldn't make food no matter he's there or not and I'm pushing him to spend any effort for me - just making a bit more and share his food with me. I always make sure I order something for him if I get takeaway, and in the past when I go out with friends and found something that tastes nice I almost always bring some back for him to try as well. I feel quite confused. Am I taking advantage of him? If not, why would he purposely leave out my food? Does he want to see me hungry and hurting my body? (Yeah I should take care of myself indeed but I don't know why he doesn't seem to care about me)
Here’s a conversation I had with my bf. Women, on average, need more sleep than men - it’s just a fact. If he wants me to not be cranky, to continue earning a high salary, and also expects my time....if he can contribute in any way, that helps. If he doesn’t mind me being cranky and wants less of my time....well, his choice. The difference in my situation is that mine works 32 hours a week while I work 60 (he’s in a clinical fellowship that is way too easy). With that said, the same info can be applied to your situation - albeit in a different way. If he is GOOD at waking up and doesn’t need as much sleep as you do, he should invest in you if he wants you at your best. If he’s going to be petty about it, use your cash to hire someone to help. If he balks, well, his issue not yours.
No one is making you do it?
Girl. Please. You ARE being too generous. This man is living a sweet life and he’s using th line “no one made/asked you to” to absolve himself of being responsible. Omg wowww.
I hope you step back and stop doing all that for him
Exactly there’s a difference between being a partner and a mom. You both work. He is not more significant. You do not need to do more for him than he does for you. He grown.
Just came here to say that being married or unmarried is entirely irrelevant to whether or not your situation needs improvement. Married or not, your relationship should feel equitable. That doesn’t mean every task and all finances are split 50-50, it just means you two contribute significantly in different ways. If he doesn’t do any of the more daily, time intensive things that you do like cleaning and cooking, does he make up for it with other things (say yard work, car maintenance, managing finances, grocery shopping). More importantly, if you don’t enjoy doing something and he doesn’t enjoy doing something (say for example, laundry), then the compromise should be that you each do your own or you each do it 50% of time etc. there’s no magic button called “marriage” that will make it worth it, sustainable or happy for you to do all the things while he does nothing.
Yeah I hear you but my point was more that a harder exit (ie married) doesn’t excuse an inequitable relationship more than being unmarried does (as OP/her friend suggests). The mindset of approaching problem solving differently whether it’s easier or harder to exit a relationship is exactly what causes marriages and long term relationships to fail. Couples that don’t practice the same level of problem solving and compromise when not married v married are doomed to be unhappy. (I say this not from my high horse but as someone in one “those couples” but we’re working through it ;))
Well if this is the life you like to lead even when married then you do you. If you have hopes of him ever helping and, oh god forbid, putting you first, then you are setting a wrong precedent now. I have to admit this rubs me the wrong way although please understand that I completely understand that taking care of someone like that can make you very happy. My father used to say that he hasn’t raised me to serve someone. That saying touched me (although was followed up with his complaints that I am barely doing anything for him;) Today I am married to a man who cooks and splits chores with me and my kids believe moms and dads do the same things. I can be away for months and he wouldn’t miss a beat with the kids, work and running the household himself. It is helpful to have a partner like that but it is just one way of running your family
Pro
Not sure why you’re doing this. Doesn’t matter if you’re married or not, there should be a compromise and division of work. Either you alternate days based on schedule or one cooks and one cleans or some sort of hybrid.
Watch out what and how much you do for your SO. He is a grown man - an adult and can take care of himself, you don’t need to mother him, just try to be an equal partner.
He might get used to it and expect it down the road. You could be happy doing/spoiling him now, but as years go by, both of your responsibilities increase, marriage, kids, in-laws, upward career demands and when you can’t do it, resentment sets in. You might think he demands it and he might see it as I never asked for it and you did it all along, now what’s the problem? Women tend to be overly nice and sweet for their own good sometimes!