Ladies, do you cook and prepare meals for your SO if you’re not married? I usually make his coffee, get breakfast ready, try to make lunch and dinner and end up making sure he has food, even if that leaves me with nothing because he has to work in the office and I’m home. Is this being too generous? One of my friends thought it was ridiculous I do all that without even being married

likefunny
Posting as :
works at
You are currently posting as works at
Highlighted IconHIGHLIGHTED

I cook all of our meals too. And we don’t like the same food - so I make two different meals each time🥲

But yes, I agree with everyone here saying that he should be returning the favor in other ways - whether it’s doing the dishes, laundry, or cleaning the apt.

My SO is lazy AF and doesn’t do any of the above but he does pay more for the apt...

like

Damn M10, I had to take notes on that one 😂

like

So you make more $, pay more rent, make him food all the time even if “it leaves you with nothing”, he doesn’t do it in return and then he says you don’t need a maid? What actually attracts you to him? It sounds like you’re replacing his mom. I’d pull back on this behavior, unless of course, you like to cater to your partner without limits. Do what makes you happy but don’t be a doormat.

likehelpful

Tbh this sounds like the kind of man that would up and leave at some point when he’s “made it” and he has free support the whole way there

like
Recent IconRecent

My husband does all cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, and taking care of our puppies.

like

Ugh FTI where do I find one 😭😭

What does your SO do for you? It has to be returned in someway. In my case I do cooking and my SO do laundry and majority cleaning.

like

I mean... the folding is the part with the most work involved so idk if you’re getting a good deal there 😅

This is silly. You are not his maid or his mom. You need to set boundaries and also put him in charge of household tasks (that he fully owns). No one likes chores. It’s why they are called chores and not “super awesome good time fun”. He needs to stop when the fussing and grow up and you, likewise, need to let him. Give him ownership and let him do it without stepping in. Figure out how you can split the household chores that are constant (cooking, food shopping, laundry, cleaning bathrooms, dishes) and how you split the periodic chores (yard work, trash, deep cleaning, etc).

Don’t assume the full weight of cooking unless you unload the full weight of something equally persistent and time consuming. Even if you like to cook, being responsible for ALL of the food every day is a grind.

I’ve been married for nearly 20 years and working from home for 10. When I’m home, I’m working, not doing household stuff, so we split dinner responsibilities- even if that means he grabs takeout on the way home.
He’s responsible for his own breakfast and lunch. Dinner is shared/split. He makes breakfast for the kids, I make lunches for them. I love to cook and I’m better at it, but putting him in charge of some meals is a break for me and makes him appreciate the amount of work and planning that goes into it each day.

For reference- he also makes 4x more than me (I make great money but he is in a lucrative field), but that doesn’t mean I need to do more around the house to compensate. We both work similar hours and when we are done for the day, our work at home is split evenly.

Good luck OP! These conversations can be awkward but they are SO necessary in a relationship to keep things facing in the right direction.

like

Preach. When I was dating my last guy and he would come over all the time since he lived with other people and wouldn’t have privacy in his rented out bedroom 🙄 It felt like I was catering to him all the time because of this. He started getting comfortable enough to go in my fridge for food. That’s fine lol. He also became acquainted with those pots and pans, seasonings, spatulas, strainers. I was about to make him start taking out the trash but I broke up with him lol. Lesson is they will be as lazy as you allow them to be. I like to cater every now and then, but don’t take my kindness for a weakness bay-be.

likehelpful

Thanks all. We’ve been together for a long time and started dating when I was younger. He also comes from a different country that’s way more conservative and more gender divided.
So, there are some cultural differences here.

He does thank me and has always said I need to learn how to do things like cook and clean because those are just survival skills we should all have. He had to take care of his family from a very young age, so I think that he thinks he deserves a break now. However, he has said he’ll help out if I create some kind of schedule, so I think that’s what I’ll have to do.

The problem is that when I was younger, I just wanted to get his approval in a way (first bf I’ve had), so I’ve felt that I’m so far behind every other woman. I didn’t know how to cook before, but now it’s better. I have a better grasp of how to keep my “home/apartment “ clean and take care of things. But I feel like even though he has become more Americanized, he does still have those distinctions in what he thinks women should do vs men, and I clearly need to just try out a schedule and ask him to follow it.

Maybe I’ve just been hoping that he would “get it” without me having to force it, but I guess not 🤷‍♀️

To all you ladies who have pointed out that boundaries need to be set, and I need to be careful if this is how the rest of my life is going to go, I totally agree with you and I just need to be stronger in standing up for myself.

He’s a good guy, and I don’t mean to give the impression that he doesn’t know how to do anything. He’s the one who taught me, but I just want him to not feel entitled and get spoiled

like

I cook dinner on the weekdays for both of us and when we go out on the weekend, all on him. It’s probably an overkill if you make sure he has food but you’re left w/ none

like

I am married and it's not like that. Being with SO means compromise. If you cook, then he should do cleaning or laundry. Or you both do it together. My husband and I do things together. We make breakfast/lunch/dinner together, do laundry together (I wash, he folds). Since we both work in separate places, we use it as time to catch up and talk.

like

I think it’s ridiculous even if you were married. He’s not your child. I can see dinner if he is in the office and you are home and coffee as I assume that’s for both of you, but everything else? Hell no. And if he can’t be bothered with any other household chores, than he can hire a cleaning service out of his own pocket. Do not chip in when you are already doing more than your share.

The longer you let this go on, the harder it will be to get an equitable set-up. Stop making all of his meals and start demanding he do his part.

like

I was you with my SO of 6 years. I told myself I enjoyed taking care of him, and I did. But it wears on you. I think back of how he took advantage of me and was just downright selfish, even tho he would thank me and was capable of doing every thing himself. I was also traveling and he wasn’t yet I kept the apt clean. After all this, he still left us and said he didn’t want to marry me. Never. Again. Equal partnerships only.

like

Sometimes when I think back, I also wish I had left sooner. But that relationship taught me a lot about myself and what I wanted in a partner. I had two more LTR’s before getting married. I’m not sure I’d be where I am without having those experiences so I don’t dwell on the past.

I hope you have (or find) someone who’s an equal partner!

like

Um. A relationship is a partnership.
So it’s fine that you do those things for him but how does he add to the relationship and what does he do?

Does he clean?
Does he cook on weekends?
Does he pay all of the bills, including your half?
Does he plan dates or other things?

If not - then maybe give your self esteem a second look and ask yourself why you feel that you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t add any value to the relationship or your life. Stop doing those things for him. Just stop.

like

Sounds like you both live together? So I’m assuming this is a long term serious relationship? Is that right?

like

I’m married and I do none of that. I make him do that and outsource the rest.

like

Why do you think roles should change if you’re married? Why do you give him all the food if it means you have none? You need to eat too.

Cooking all the meals for him is one thing, but other household responsibilities should be discussed between you two and split. You both have full time jobs from what it sounds.

When I moved in with my bf, my mom told me not to do anything now that I don’t plan to do for the rest of my life. Basically she’s saying it’s easier to make adjustments earlier in the relationship vs developing the routine and then trying to change it.

likesmart

Can anyone comment on what I did please, not sure if it's fair or I was being a terrible girlfriend: my partner and I are both busy (IB/Consulting), I'm a lazy person and when I live alone I don't get up until 2min before my morning call and I focus too much at work and sometimes forget about lunch. My meals are mostly just something quick and easy. My partner is also a bit lazy but he indeed tries to have properly made meals at the right time. I was unhappy when he made his own food without my portion (several times) and I told him if he is going to make some food please make it double portion so that I can get a bite as well. He still didn't really do it (other than one time cereal breakfast). I feel he might think I'm just lazy and taking advantage of him. But the reality is I wouldn't make food no matter he's there or not and I'm pushing him to spend any effort for me - just making a bit more and share his food with me. I always make sure I order something for him if I get takeaway, and in the past when I go out with friends and found something that tastes nice I almost always bring some back for him to try as well. I feel quite confused. Am I taking advantage of him? If not, why would he purposely leave out my food? Does he want to see me hungry and hurting my body? (Yeah I should take care of myself indeed but I don't know why he doesn't seem to care about me)

likesmart

Here’s a conversation I had with my bf. Women, on average, need more sleep than men - it’s just a fact. If he wants me to not be cranky, to continue earning a high salary, and also expects my time....if he can contribute in any way, that helps. If he doesn’t mind me being cranky and wants less of my time....well, his choice. The difference in my situation is that mine works 32 hours a week while I work 60 (he’s in a clinical fellowship that is way too easy). With that said, the same info can be applied to your situation - albeit in a different way. If he is GOOD at waking up and doesn’t need as much sleep as you do, he should invest in you if he wants you at your best. If he’s going to be petty about it, use your cash to hire someone to help. If he balks, well, his issue not yours.

like

No one is making you do it?
Girl. Please. You ARE being too generous. This man is living a sweet life and he’s using th line “no one made/asked you to” to absolve himself of being responsible. Omg wowww.
I hope you step back and stop doing all that for him

like

Exactly there’s a difference between being a partner and a mom. You both work. He is not more significant. You do not need to do more for him than he does for you. He grown.

like

Just came here to say that being married or unmarried is entirely irrelevant to whether or not your situation needs improvement. Married or not, your relationship should feel equitable. That doesn’t mean every task and all finances are split 50-50, it just means you two contribute significantly in different ways. If he doesn’t do any of the more daily, time intensive things that you do like cleaning and cooking, does he make up for it with other things (say yard work, car maintenance, managing finances, grocery shopping). More importantly, if you don’t enjoy doing something and he doesn’t enjoy doing something (say for example, laundry), then the compromise should be that you each do your own or you each do it 50% of time etc. there’s no magic button called “marriage” that will make it worth it, sustainable or happy for you to do all the things while he does nothing.

likehelpful

Yeah I hear you but my point was more that a harder exit (ie married) doesn’t excuse an inequitable relationship more than being unmarried does (as OP/her friend suggests). The mindset of approaching problem solving differently whether it’s easier or harder to exit a relationship is exactly what causes marriages and long term relationships to fail. Couples that don’t practice the same level of problem solving and compromise when not married v married are doomed to be unhappy. (I say this not from my high horse but as someone in one “those couples” but we’re working through it ;))

like

Well if this is the life you like to lead even when married then you do you. If you have hopes of him ever helping and, oh god forbid, putting you first, then you are setting a wrong precedent now. I have to admit this rubs me the wrong way although please understand that I completely understand that taking care of someone like that can make you very happy. My father used to say that he hasn’t raised me to serve someone. That saying touched me (although was followed up with his complaints that I am barely doing anything for him;) Today I am married to a man who cooks and splits chores with me and my kids believe moms and dads do the same things. I can be away for months and he wouldn’t miss a beat with the kids, work and running the household himself. It is helpful to have a partner like that but it is just one way of running your family

like

Not sure why you’re doing this. Doesn’t matter if you’re married or not, there should be a compromise and division of work. Either you alternate days based on schedule or one cooks and one cleans or some sort of hybrid.

like

Watch out what and how much you do for your SO. He is a grown man - an adult and can take care of himself, you don’t need to mother him, just try to be an equal partner.
He might get used to it and expect it down the road. You could be happy doing/spoiling him now, but as years go by, both of your responsibilities increase, marriage, kids, in-laws, upward career demands and when you can’t do it, resentment sets in. You might think he demands it and he might see it as I never asked for it and you did it all along, now what’s the problem? Women tend to be overly nice and sweet for their own good sometimes!

like

Related Posts

What would u do in this "hypothetical" scenario.
1. Student gets 95 percentile on standardized tests in 1st grade.
2. 2nd gr teacher, capable and flexible but a little old school.
3. Parent, from foreign country, wants us to teach 2 years ahead of where student is at in math and reading in case they have to return to other country.
4. District's old standard for acceleration is at the 97th+ percentile and other students are much more"advanced".
5. Parent wants detailed steps for teacher's plan

like

I’m from and live in Italy, how hard is it to find a job from here in the us?
I’d like to know how hard is it to do the burocracy, to move semi-permanently… i’m a 23yo with 5y exp, which state should I look for, just the one I like the most?

Ladies, did you change your last name after getting married? I’m worried about the impact it will have on my publications.

like

Anyone here work at Cohn Reznick? How do you like the team, hours, clients, etc?

likefunny

Can anybody please shed some light on how to invest your money, specially when the most stocks are overvalued? How should you plan investing?

like

Does anyone have two different statuses right now? I’m Platinum Premier in Marriott but only Platinum Elite in SPG.

What does corporate strategy really do? Have an interview lined up, but don’t know how much of the work in a corporate strategy function is actual formulation of strategy vs. stuff like planning, figuring out capital allocation, and making pretty decks for BOD. Any guidance? What questions should I ask yo get a better sense of whether this worthwhile to leave McK for?

like

Good places to find unique furniture? Nothing too pricey, but tired of cookie cutter mid century modern furniture

like

Trying to get a 45 y/o sibling in to consulting (was an entrepreneur prior in the restaurant industry). No college degree but willing to bust his butt to learn. Books/online courses recommended pls

like

🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮

Dear work,
Thanks for making me do my job.

Sincerely,
An attention seeking adult.

Post Photo
likefunny

Any suggestions on sport shorts? I have thicker thighs but it’s too hot to go running outside in leggings rn!

like

Looking for account supervisors and AEs to join my team at a creative agency on a great account. PM me.

like

I am currently working in Deloitte but have signed a PwC offer. Just realized my current salary after the compensation release is $2k higher than PWC. Before I signed the offer, PWC told me the experienced associate salary can’t be negotiated. What should I do right now? It feels sad to see 2k leave me for no reason. Should I talk to PWC and ask for a raise?
Please help!!

like

Which firm has the best Industry 4.0 (Digital Mfg.) consulting / tech practice?

like

What do people here think about the morals of advertising to children under the age of 13? Clients use the word “Tweens”

like

How to get reimbursed wifi bill?

Does anyone work at at Merrill Lynch as a Life services relationship consultant? Any info on the pay?

like

Violent, radical right.

I actually don't think that the right is violent or radical, but I'm tired of people using non-political, quotidian violence in America to paint the left as extreme and mob-like

Post Photo
like

Additional Posts in Women In Consulting

Trying to get a 45 y/o sibling in to consulting (was an entrepreneur prior in the restaurant industry). No college degree but willing to bust his butt to learn. Books/online courses recommended pls

like

Anyone here ever stop blonde highlighting their dark blonde/light brown hair and go back to natural color? Tired of blonde turning brassy and want to go to a more natural color. Transition tips?

like

Anyone pick up running after being very unfit?

like

My husband yells at me in front of my 2 years old, even when he is scared. He needs to express his anger out before he can shut down. I am planning to leave him but I am hesitant because I am afraid this would negatively impact my son more, not having a father figure around much.... not the first time, my husband promises multiple time that at least he would control his anger in front of kid but never Lee up the promise...sometimes he would even throw stuff (not at me and my child)...

like

Divorced mom (no travel) 1 yr ago. Separated 3. I’m starting to think abt dating but I had married my second boyfriend & lack dating exp. On bumble. Rebound vs. relationship? Miss friendship & trust

Let’s talk sign on bonuses! What has been your largest sign on bonus? Which company offered snd for what level of position?

like

Do you find that you have little patience for texting on the dating apps? I find myself trading texts for a couple of days and then ready to either talk, meet or move on. Little interest in providing daily updates to a stranger or keeping up with a chat box within an app on my phone. Wondering if I need to be more patient.

like

I have two male colleagues who like to banter in public with self-deprecating humor and put downs. It makes lots of people uncomfortable- do I say something?

like

Started dating someone recently and just got staffed on a travel project through end of year. We both want to make it work. Any advice about being a relationship while traveling all the time?

like

Anyone get revenge on their ex? I want to hear your stories!!!

likefunny

How did you meet you significant other, and what made you realize they were the one?

like

Just started Swimlabs swim classes for my kids. How many classes will my 5 year olds need before they can swim? Is this something I have to do for years?

like

How does salary play into you dating? Just realized I make fire than the guy I’m dating

like

What should I watch on Apple TV?

like

Feeling discouraged about my career path. A year into this job and I feel like I’ve taken a step down in terms of growth and responsibility from my last job. I used to be in a position where (cont...)

like

I recently decided to slow down communication with one woman on my team because she is constantly trying to have social conversations about her personal life/beliefs and it was super distracting. She noticed that I had been responding less and completely went off on me!!! Why are people like this? This woman is close to 40 and I am 2 years out of college. Is this behavior normal/has this happened to anyone else before? I swear I feel like I’m in middle school again.

like

What’s a reasonable amount to ask for in a pre-nuptial agreement where the guy makes a lot of money?

like

Does anyone have any book recommendations for overcoming emotional abuse? Have finally cut off all contact with an ex who constantly negged, manipulated, and demeaned me into believing I was worthless and I’m having difficulty coping. (I already have a psychologist)

like

Dumb question warning - How are new medical procedures approved and assigned CPT codes?? Is there a world in which we could add/reclassify different variations of abortion codes to create more exceptions in the strictest banned states?

like

Sorry to rant but I got my makeup done by Sephora in store (they have a service that does that), and it was awful!! The lady who did it did a terrible job. What's worse is we were planning to have pictures taken and then had an event. And now when I look I pics, the photographer did super well, but I feel so sad looking at the pics 😞

likefunny

New to Fishbowl?

Download the Fishbowl app to
unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.
That was just a preview…
Sign Up to see all discussions
  • Discover what it’s like to work at companies from real professionals
  • Get candid advice from people in your field in a safe space
  • Chat and network with other professionals in your field
Sign up in seconds to unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.

Already a user?
Login here

Share

Embed this post

Copy and paste embed code on your site

Preview

Download the
Fishbowl app

See what’s happening in your industry
from the palm of your hand.

A phone with Fishbowl app

Send download link to your phone

OR

Scan your QR code to download
Fishbowl app on your mobile

By continuing you agree to Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.

Messaging rates may apply

Download app

Sign up for free to view this conversation on Fishbowl

By continuing you agree to Terms of Use and Privacy Policy

Already have an account? Log in

Sign up for free to continue using Fishbowl

By continuing you agree to Terms of Use(New) and Privacy Policy(New)
Messaging rates may apply

Already have an account? Log in

For account settings, visit Fishbowl on Desktop Browser or

General

Legal