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OP, if he knows you’re an atheist or agnostic, why would he push you to convert? That’s basically rubber stamping. So he would rather have you go through the motions and fake it? That seems wrong. Or is he hoping you will find god in the process? Which could happen but you can’t put a timeline or requirement on it as it is deeply personal.
My suggestion would be explain to him that you deeply respect his beliefs but you do not share them. You may one day and you enjoy sharing some of those experiences with him, but you need to find god and spirituality on your own terms without requirements or deadlines. That’s not how that works.
If he understands, you have yourself a winner. If he doesn’t, he is concerned about the superficial face of religion and I wouldn’t recommend moving forward.
P1, yeah your suggestion is exactly where I’m heading towards. I think the right thing for me to do now is to end the relationship because I don’t want to feel the pressure/requirements to convert to be with him or let my feelings for him cloud my exploration. I really hope we can still be friends and spend time together but if I’m not strong enough, I should probably stop meeting him for a while and go to church with my other religious friends.
Jokes aside, I think it could work only if both people don’t feel too strongly about their religious convictions. I’m an atheist, I’ve done my homework, exploring several religions and reading all the main religious texts, yet it made me even stronger in my beliefs or lack thereof. For me, it only worked to date people who are apathetic or non religious. Not to say I never fell in love with people of different religions. I lived with and was engaged tp a Muslim man for several years, but we couldn’t bridge that gap. His religion influenced his preferences ( or rather requirements) on how a family should function or how kids should be raised. I also dated a Catholic for several years. While his family was religious, he was apathetic and the only inconvenience for me was being polite about going to services on big holidays. Religion was never an issue in that relationship.
C1. I think deep down you probably know what has to be done, but your mind is searching for other ways because whatever it has to be, it’ll be a difficult decision to make. You’ll have to override either your mind or your heart. My advice is to consider very carefully what kind of life you want to live, the things you really want in life, how you picture yourself in 10/20/30 years, regardless of anyone else, just you. Also I have to tell you that whatever it is, you’ll get over it. I was madly in love with my ex, yet I’m now married to a man much more suitable for me and I couldn’t be happier. We just fit, it’s easy, there isn’t a need to change myself or what I want from life. I look back and I’m truly thankful I walked away, I would be miserable now if I kept trying to put on a shoe that didn’t fit. Best of luck!
Tell your bf that you believe God has a plan for all of us. God made you an atheist, so why would you question his wisdom?
Hahaha this is hilarious! He always says God has a plan blah blah
I think you meant Christian and not Christine. One is pretty popular. The other may be a cult. I cannot really give you any advice but I once thought I loved someone so much and I changed myself to be with that person. Big mistake. If conversion is not what you want and he is not willing to compromise, just leave.
I converted to Christianity from Buddhism and then left Christianity and decided that being spiritual is for me. This whole journey, I did it on my own. In relation to the guy, I did things that I shouldn’t have done. Now I’d never ever do anything for a dude because of “love”.
DO NOT CONVERT! Faith is personal but at the same time it really affects how one makes every decision in life - big and small. Just conversion will not change how you think and it will get very frustrating. You have taken decisions independently without depending on a book written by powerful few - your partner on the other hand has always been taking decisions based on a book, thanking Jesus for everything good and calling it “His plan” for everything bad! Nothing wrong in either way but very frustrating if you don’t think the same way. They must be great as a person but should not expect you to convert and try his faith! That is extremely insensitive and something I absolutely hate about organized religions. Nothing good came out of conversion - look at all the countries who have been victims of colonialism. Conversion only got more religious complications with it!
I’d say don’t get baptized yet, but go to church and see how that makes you feel for a month. There’s also many forms of Christianity, so explore what may be right for you. This isn’t a decision you should make because of your partner, but I don’t think you should automatically rule it out for you. In my faith, I do not solely rely on The Bible to guide my decisions in like as I view it to be more like myths and legends to teach people to love one another. If you were to choose to be a Christian, there are 10 commandments you should abide by, but it’s things we as people try do outside of religion as well (I.e. not murder people or lie.) I’d be happy to talk privately with you ever have any questions, and I wish you the best on your spiritual journey. Whatever decision you make, I’m sure it will be the best one for you!
The only way for you to get serious is for you to convert? I’d get out of there ASAP if I were you. It must be as difficult for you to convert as it is for him to become non-religious, so why is it that you have to make that sacrifice? I agree with the above that interfaith relationships could work but more likely they’ll work when both sides are not super religious. I also agree that for atheists it is especially hard. And frankly, as an atheist myself, I just don’t know how it is possible.
Thank you ladies so much for the replies! Agnostic might be more accurate to describe me. My grandma on my dad’s side was actually Buddhist but she passed away when I was a kid and none of my other immediate families are religious, so I basically know nothing about religion. I agree with some responses that the best I can do is open to exploring Christianity. He doesn’t really push me to convert, but he is very honest and upfront that he wouldn’t marry a non Christian. I can go to church services w him, read the Bible, and talk to friends who converted later in life etc, but I told him upfront too that there’s a 50% chance I still won’t share the values and believe in it after exploring. I don’t know how long this exploration will take. If I ever become religious, its because I, regardless of anyone, 100% believe in it and want to become religious.
Wont marry a non christian.... is he cool if you are a fake christian who has simply “signed the papers” or do you have be a “real” christian (whatever that means to him?). Id likely discontinue the relationship. You should each have respect for one anothers choices and beliefs. Will he respect your choice to not convert? Doesnt sound like it. What about if you have kids? Will he require them to be raised christian and go to church and only marry people of their own faith?
I’m what would be considered a more relaxed Christian since I drink, go clubbing, and what not. I was never one of those holier than thou church girl who dress modestly, loves everyone with so much compassion, never drinks, reads bible every day without failure, and goes on mission trips. But I’ve been a Christian my whole life and do believe in God 100%. I attend Sunday services 80% of the time and probably make it to bible study once a month.
I once dated a guy who was a more devout Christian (he was tall and hot, I was blinded, and I should not have entered the relationship in hindsight). He was very nice to everyone to their faces including me, but his breakup speech indicated how much he judged me during the whole 6 months we dated for how I dress (I proudly wear clubbing dresses when I go clubbing, so what?), how I am not a fit for mission trips, not a virgin, and I don’t volunteer at church. Him and his friends even judged me for wearing lululemon as it was considered too revealing in their minds lolol They were Presbyterians but a loooooot more conservative than my club / bar going southern baptist friends. He acted like he was more important to God than I am, and I am “less than” in God’s eyes and I know that he is completely wrong as God has immensely blessed me in every possible way.
The point of telling you this story is, be true to yourself even if you try attending Sunday services, know that there are many different colors of churches and Christians, find what is right for you, and please please leave the guy immediately without wasting your time if you ever feel like he is judging you or acting like he is holier than thou (and know that he is totally wrong).
Hope you find your way through all this! 🤞🏻
This guy is ridiculous! I don’t even know being that judgy and condescending is in line with Christian values.
I was raised by a Hindu mother and a Muslim turned Buddhist father. I am now with my (former-ish) Mormon boyfriend of two years. Personally I am closest to atheist and my boyfriend knows this. We both respect each other’s views and have similar values despite this, which is really what matters most. We both want to raise our kids so they learn about both of our cultures. Similarly, I was raised learning about all three religions and now my siblings and I practice what makes the most sense to each of us. My father’s parents wanted my mom to convert to Islam and my father very strongly put his foot down against it. I don’t think different religions is inherently a reason to break up, but as with anything, communication and respect goes a long way. I’m sure there are plenty of people who have converted for their SO and been happy. Personally I could never because to me that would mean my partner does not respect my beliefs. I would say to keep an open mind and continue cautiously, but check in with yourself regularly and be honest if it doesn’t feel right
Conversion is a hard decision to make especially if you haven’t seriously dated yet (although it sounds like you know each other well). Is there a range of observance that would be acceptable for him and for you? More cultural observance or something like that? Have you thought about potential future kids- would you be ok raising them in this religion? It’s fair if this is a deal breaker for either of you but I would try and take things slow and give yourselves time to make big decisions.
Why are we talking about conversion? OP - I believe you are an atheist - is that correct (I deduced that from your statement that you grew up in family that was)? One doesn’t just magically start believing in something from nothing. This is not the same as changing religions. If you took the steps to become a Christian (at least on paper) and didn’t actually believe wouldn’t you be representing yourself to every single person (including yourself) fraudulently?
Yes!!!!! Agree
I’m a former atheist that came to Christ in her adult years. My husband is less religious than I am. I’m definitely the more devout one.
Faith is always important to a person but the question is how important?
There are “Christians” that are Christian in name and tradition only, and generally go to church for Chreaster (Christmas, Easter). Everyone is on a sliding scale with their level of Christian faith, of course. Or is your boyfriend the Hillsong-cult type that go every Sunday, sometimes those Wednesday night services, Bible is the literal truth, and serves in the church on weekends? The latter are the ones where in my extensive experience the problems in relationships arise no matter how much you care about each other.
There’s nothing wrong with being atheist and honestly, I believe it was a huge benefit growing up. I learned to be more objective and accepting than my Christian peers. But if you must convert to be with him long term (not just for a wedding ceremony in a church if you ever get to that point) you need to ask yourself if that something you can do. It goes way beyond you two at that point. He will want children raised with a devout Christian faith like him and the extended family.
I’d advise continuing to go to church with him and see how you like it. Can you do it for the rest of your life with him? Can you see yourself coming to Christ or do you feel that strong that there is no God, afterlife, etc?
I have noticed a trend though that generally the older we get the majority of devout Christians loosen up. Time, personal schedules, new friends, and life experiences do this. You need you also ask yourself do you see him loosening up on his faith over time or holding firm.
Not trying to be a downer Debbie or a pessimist. Just a realist. I have a ton of experience with this firsthand and fully empathize because I’ve been on both your side and his during large chunks of my life. I also watched these situations arise over and over again with my brothers and sisters in Christ when we were all dating and looking to settle down.
I hope you figure everything out and everything turns out for the best for both of you — regardless of what that outcome is.
I feel for you. I really do. Feel free to reach out if you ever want/need an objective Christian opinion. They’re rare but they exist! 😆
Yeah, the more devout the harder it is. You’d learn later down the road that they aren’t as easy to renationalize with as they may/may not have led you to believe early on.
When I saw your comment about stance on abortion I was like “oh no no no.” 😆 Hearing what you’re saying now I have a pretty spot-on idea of the type of man he is.
Again, reach out via message if you need to talk anything through. I get it. I’ve been on both sides so I can swap hats when needed. :)
I am Jewish and my husband was raised Catholic but now identifies more as agnostic. I'm more religious between the two of us but I still am more a 'reform' Jew (which is much less religious than orthodox). We both had to be completely accepting and ok with each others' beliefs going into our marriage. I had to be ok with him wanting to have some of the cultural aspects he grew up with (like Christmas, Easter) and we had to discuss how we wanted to raise our future children as well, as I feel most strongly about not having our children raised believing in Jesus and don't want the holidays to push that. His mother is more religious and he had talked about baptisms and G-dparents, but that is not something I'm comfortable with. I think what it comes down to is how you raise future children if you want that. Do you want your children to grow up going to church every week, for him to want your children to believe in Jesus? Is he ok with you not going with him to church every week? It's a little different to think about converting yourself, versus committing to raising your children with certain beliefs and motivations.
I'll also add that my mom converted to Judaism and I grew up with my dad wanting me to marry a Jewish man. So that was a bit of a struggle I had personally when I was dating. I've had ex-bf's parents tell me that I wouldn't go to heaven if I didn't believe in Jesus. But now my husband's parents actually love that I'm Jewish and even surprised me with a menorah to light when I celebrated Christmas with them when we were dating. To me I think the most important thing is to be able to be accepting and supportive of one another as you are, or to be able to make compromises that you are both ok with.
Christine faith. The guy I’ve been seeing for 7 months is very religious. If I knew he is this religious I probably wouldn’t even start. But anyways, we realized religion being a big issue one month in so we said we’re just gonna be friends, but it didn’t happen. We really like each other and through the past 7 months we experienced some life altering events together and like each other even more. I can totally see myself long term with him if he weren’t religious. I finally opened up and went to the church service for the first time but I don’t know if I’ll ever become Christine. We talked about this- the only way for us to get serious is I convert to Christine. I really struggle and don’t know where my head’s at.
👆🏼this. This is exactly what I meant - Pushing religion on others. You don’t need religion to tell you not to murder or lie. The Brits were hard core Christians, but murdered so many in their colonies. Look at what happened to Natives - murdered by European Christians. I will not lie - I have awesome friends who are great people and Christians but I hate it when they try to increase their population.
A1 what’s wrong with you? A2 didn’t say anything pushy. You are totally overreacting with so much hate and anger. I feel sorry for you.
I'm an atheist and my bf is a Christian and it seems to be working out just fine, but he would never ask me to convert. If he did I would be out of here in a heartbeat. It's something we talked about early on and continue to check in about.
He knows I will never go to church with him even for special events and I sit respectfully while he prays on his own before meals and bed. Kids make this more complicated but it helps that we basically have the same values despite the difference in religion
Also ill add my fiance grew up in a very christian family. They are like no other christians i have ever met. They never push on anyone their faith. They donate A LOT of money each year to organizations that they research and care about. They volunteer A LOT. Theyve created their own little non profit business to help folks get clothes, etc. They are just the kindest and sweetest people. We now have a son and i told him he could baptize him and take him to church if that was important to him and i will teach him what i can about other religions and about atheism i what i believe it takes to be a good person (i am atheist). I dont think we are baptizing, and only taking him to church for holidays. Out key is respecting each other and allowing our child to make his own informed decisions.
It sounds like your bf is doing all the right things by asking you to join him at church and receiving guidance from his pastor. He’s standing up for what he believes in and is probably truly praying you’ll find your way to God so you can experience the love he does. Every daily decision we make is based on our belief system at some deep level, and if we’re not aligned with our partner in these matters, it’s only going to be a matter of time before the conflicts occur. If you’re open to it I really hope you do give Christianity a chance. Not just for him but for you!😘
For me(Hindu) and my husband(muslim) we both knew beforehand that we both are open to practice or not practice our religions.In our 6 years of marriage religion has hardly ever been a challenge we had to deal with there have been plenty of other problems we’ve had to worry about😊 People do ask me how do we plan to raise the kids, we have decided that we will expose them to both religions n as they grow up they can choose to pick up one or the other or none it’d be their choice.Hope you figure out everything.