{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Ladies, \nHow do you feel about dating someone with a child from a previous marriage? It's bothering me for some reason - I feel badly about it, I don't know why I feel this way. It just seems like such a special connection to have with someone and makes my connection with him seem less significant.\nPlease no mean comments, I'm just being honest and wondering what other people's experiences are. TIA", "post_id": "5f7d78fc8720870020d832b9", "reply_count": 28, "vote_count": 3, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting" }

Ladies, How do you feel about dating someone with a child from a previous marriage? It's bothering me for some reason - I feel badly about it, I don't know why I feel this way. It just seems like such a special connection to have with someone and makes my connection with him seem less significant. Please no mean comments, I'm just being honest and wondering what other people's experiences are. TIA

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This is your hang up and you should move on. The only person that will suffer is the kid. Not being mean, being honest. You’ll not be a person that takes on the important role of a step parent, you’ll be fighting for attention. I’ve seen thus happen numerous times with friends who are getting married later in life to partners with kids/families.

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Accept that it’s a dealbreaker for you and move on. Don’t feel guilty about it; everyone has their preferences and this isn’t a particularly bad one.

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A1 - I’ll hit the abridged version - Just move on.

likesmart

Second that. Lesson learned for you.

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Don’t feel bad. It’s a lot of baggage to handle.

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This one falls into your personal choice category and whether the man is worth the baggage.

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My friend is in this boat and they fight about it all the time. The ex wife will sometimes ask him to pick up his kid and there’s an obligation. There will also be an obligation but that doesn’t mean that your relationship is insignificant. It’s a lot of baggage to handle tbh and not everyone is ready for that.

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Personally, I wouldn’t date someone with a child from a previous marriage, as it doesn’t align with my values (that marriage is a one time commitment for life). There are numerous reasons why marriages don’t work, though it’s too big of a red flag for me and the relationship I am seeking (before even considering the magnitude of commitment required to take this on), in that if my SO has already made a serious commitment previously to marriage and had a child with someone else, though is no longer with them, could that be me in future too?

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It depends how old the kids are. I had no interest in being a step mom but here I am. they were also older when I met them (late teens) and now grown and out of the house. It wasn’t easy but love never is.

likehelpful

You could look at this as a blessing instead of a curse. You get to see what kind of a parent he is before having kids with him. You get to see how he treats his ex-wife (which offers insight into how he handles major conflicts). I have two step kids and have learned a lot from them and from their mom, who has been very supportive of me and my daughter.

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This happens so rarely. You are truly blessed to have a modern blended family

It depends on how old you are too

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How so?

I would be fine with it as long as there are clear discussions around it, I knew the ex wife and what his role would have to be for the child. I'd also need to know where I fit in and what I should expect. With kids (even your own), you will have to fight for attention at least sometimes. So it's just a question of what you want to make work

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Girl I was in your boat for a long time. I was dating a man and it’s two kids. It takes a lot of maturity and understanding and selflessness on your part to be in a relationship like that. The child will always be the priority as they rightly should be. There will be last minute pick up from school, sicknesses, games etc thag have to be dealt with. The child will come first as they are heavily dependent on their parents who are not together anymore. Be honest with your feelings, if you are starting to feel resentful or jealous it is only going to get harder. You have to be a very confident person and happy with yourself if you want to make this work. Your demands from your partner will have to be minimal because he already has a little person completely dependent on him. Happy to chat more if you want :)

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I don't think this is a strange way to feel at all. Back in 2017, I agreed to sign up for OkCupid with a close friend from law school who wanted to do it, but she didn't want to do it alone. I was ok with a match who had been married before, but not with someone divorced with kids. I don't want kids, and I didn't want to be forced into having to raise kids due to someone else's choices, so I refused matches and invitations for dates once I knew someone had kids. Eventually I found my now husband who was divorced without kids and who also doesn't want kids. It's important to know what you want and what you don't want from a partner and from a relationship. If you aren't comfortable dating someone who already has kids from a prior relationship, that's totally ok. You'll be happier in the long term if you're true to yourself when you choose a partner.

helpful

That makes a lot of sense, thanks for sharing!

I tried, twice with two different men. I simply could not get over it. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you! Doesn’t make you a bad person

helpful

I've always dated men with children. I loved it and them. Family gatherings were always so fun. Many times I loved the kids more than the SO. It's all about what you are looking for, but don't discount a great guy because they have children. Could open your life to something special. Fast forward 10 years. You were married and divorced with kids.. how would you feel if men wouldn't date you because you had kids?

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Great point. I can see it's my own thing and I appreciate other perspectives and experiences, I can see it going either way, I just feel nervous about it I guess

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I had the same issue with my son’s stepfather. But here is the scoop. They are his children and honestly they should be a priority. I also think we romanticize a lot of things having children being one of them. I had a child with someone who decided parenthood wasn’t for them so much for the special connection. Your connection to him is no less significant I promise. IBut, if you feel that way the best for everyone involved is to move along. You don’t want to be that person perceived has thinking their needs are more important than the children’s

Google it, there are professional articles on this

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