{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Ladies, how do you know if your husband is a father material? My husband is in eager talks about us having children while I am on the fence. My dad took 80% care for me when I was young(cooking, cleaning, diapers, bottle feeding, etc) so my expectations for a father is way higher. My husband, seems to be still in the stage of transitioning from bachelor to husband, like he takes out trash, cook once per week, do laundry (no folding)when I ask. Not sure if that’s what it takes for me to predict.", "post_id": "610634d97d3ed200243f5cec", "reply_count": 20, "vote_count": 4, "bowl_id": "58f7fc5fae9f610010f862d9", "bowl_name": "Women in Accounting" }

Ladies, how do you know if your husband is a father material? My husband is in eager talks about us having children while I am on the fence. My dad took 80% care for me when I was young(cooking, cleaning, diapers, bottle feeding, etc) so my expectations for a father is way higher. My husband, seems to be still in the stage of transitioning from bachelor to husband, like he takes out trash, cook once per week, do laundry (no folding)when I ask. Not sure if that’s what it takes for me to predict.

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IMO it’s hard to tell until you have them. My husband grew up in a typical 50s household and never changed a diaper before we had our first. He is a phenomenal father. I would say there are personality indicators, two of the most important being patience and humor.

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I completely agree with cr1! Think of it as how he supports YOU though. Because when you’re navigating your first you need someone who can counter you - who can help YOU laugh when you’re freaking out, who can remind you that some things don’t matter, who won’t escalate you if you’re spiraling. If you’re the patient one, can you be that person for him too? Who can calm him down and help settle him when all he wants to do is pick up the lot of shitty diapers at 2am and throw them all out the window? Then after the baby stage, navigating toddler tantrums, then childhood emotions, etc. I love that cr1 pointed to patience and humor. I think that’s key. More than the chores (which I would say I always fight about with the hubs, because he is always frustrated with me that I’m not doing enough - just for full context) - when you think about how you are in life in general or when you’re facing problems, are you able to help each other? Sort through it, relax, challenge you to be better — essentially, do you have a partner who can help you get through life? If you do, you’ll figure out the baby stuff together. There’s no switch for “ready”. No ones ever “ready” when it comes. There are those who are surprised when it happens and there are those who are waiting and want it to happen ASAP. But no ones ever “ready”. Just $0.02 from this one who’s two in and pregnant with our third. And is definitely not ready. 😬

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I haven’t had children yet but my husband is more gung-ho about children than I am. I try to discuss things more tactically than he thinks about them. Like explain what I think a typical day will look like for us and what I expect his involvement should be. He’s more of an “oh we will figure it out!” type and the last thing I want is it to end up being ME figuring it all out. So, that said…I have no clue. 😅

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Lol yes to the breeding. 🆘🆘🆘

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Egh I don’t know the answer. My husband does 80% of the work around the house (all dishes, laundry, he wakes at night to feed our infant, etc.). For childcare it’s more 50/50 because we have 3 kids so it’s a lot more work. I pay a house cleaner for my portion of house work lol. He’s ALWAYS been more clean than me. He’s always been the one to do the dishes but I cooked, and prior to kids we did our own laundry. I’ve always been messy and that’s never changed even after having kids. The biggest indicator to me of how he was going to be with kid (he’s an only child with no cousins), was when we would watch my nieces and nephews - he was sooooo engaged and played with them the whole time. That’s when I knew he was dad material. In my humble opinion, people don’t really change. They may consciously make decisions to do things, but deep down we are who we are so what we are drawn to do never really changes.

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Are you me? Hard to find fellow accountants that aren’t neat LOL

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Some indicators - he liked to cook and clean before kids so I knew I could rely on that to continue. He also genuinely loves kids - I could see what through his interaction with my young family members. Now the reality - a lot of things still fall on mama. The physical and emotional responsibility for carrying the baby and maybe breastfeeding if you choice. And then scheduling doctors appointments, family photos, birthday plans for the kids etc. plus many kids have a mom preference so..I would go in expecting 50/50.

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I think 70/30 is a much more realistic expectation the first 2-3 years. Agreed!

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How is he around other children? Does he engage with them? Does he talk about wanting them and what he imagines them to be like? Is he a contributing partner around the house? I think some of these answers can help, but it’s also worth talking to him about it to understand his expectations and communicate yours

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We have two kids now. My husband isn’t great at household chores (and never has been) but he is AWESOME with our kids. He shows them unconditional love, is great at taking them out to involve them with things he does, and is a natural at disciplining with love. He could be a better husband with chores and stuff, but I can’t imagine a better father.

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If he’s kind/respectful with you, and you two communicate well (which will be important for making parenting decisions, as well as dividing up responsibilities), and he’s talking about a family and kids in an excited way, sounds like a good recipe to me. Keep in mind parenting responsibilities change as kids grow older. My husband was very hands on in the baby phase- changing diapers, putting baby down for naps, playing, reading books, daycare drop off, etc. And now that they are a bit older (5 and 7), he’s all in for bike rides and going to playgrounds and giving baths. But many things always fall to me - planning play dates, enrolling in activities, talking to school teachers, buying clothes, making sure they have all the random things they need (snow boots, swim suits, crazy hair for crazy hair day at school, Valentine’s cards for their classmates, field trip permission slips, soccer gear, etc etc etc), doctors appointments, and all the emotional support (including explaining where babies come from, what happens when you die, how to deal with bullies). Point being- there are a lot of ways to be “father material.” My husband is certainly a great father, but there are other fathers who are being great fathers in other ways than my husband is.

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He sounds like he will be a good father and husband. not all men like to have children and some even avoid talking about kids. He will learn and grow. Dont expect him to learn everything over night.

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Or it is more of when you are on the job, it’s going to be switched on? He said his father was quite hands on but they had nannies for ages(not sure if we can afford nannies for that long). And just to be fair, my mom was traveling for business most of the time when I was 1-16, after that, she is more local and took bit more care for me, and I do see my dad not cleaning, not cooking as much, or do no chore unless my mom asks when I grew older(after 16 till now).

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