Ladies, I am in a sexless marriage. The initial years really took a toll where we argued and fought. I separated for a year. We reconciled, have never been happier in my marriage... (contd.)

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OP - I saw your reply to M1 and understand you love each other but there is no sexual chemistry? I was in a LTR just like this for 8 years. We adored each other, kissed, laughed, cuddled, slept naked together and hugged but nothing sexual (no intercourse, oral etc). Because of this love we had, we agreed to go to a sexual therapist together to understand it all. Granted i was very young when I met him (18) i just didn’t understand such dynamic. I had just left my teenage sweetie of 4 years upon meeting that older man and that prior relationship was sexually very healthy and loving. So a sexless relationship made no sense to me. Thought there was something wrong with me for so long. Now, a decade later, although I lost touch with him, I was told by mutual acquaintances that he moved overseas and now lives with a trans woman. I think sometimes people’s sexual orientations aren’t 100% clear to them and there is the potential that they love the idea of a traditional couple, but what turns them on in reality is something completely different. It is really hard to say, but now that I am older, I would have been more probing about him being frank about what truly turns him on. Because deep down, they know and clearly, it isn’t you. A man who desires a woman just can’t get his hands off her!

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BCG1, I applaud you for being an ally, but let’s not jump on top of this woman after she’s just shared a deeply personal hurt and details about her situation. I get it. I get it. I get it. Just not the right time to lecture someone about this matter. Personally, I felt KPMG was simply stating the facts. He is now in a relationship with a woman who happens to be transgender. That is a reality, not a slight on the woman herself.

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This may sound annoying, but have you all tried therapy? There are even sex therapists who can help you tap into what may/may not be going on here. It sounds like a few things are happening here. Sounds like you’re trying hard for a baby and that’s stressful in and of itself. Many couples struggle in this area & often when it feels like work and less like spontaneous expression of love, that can be really hard. I’ll pray for you all tonight, that the renewed love you have for each other will translate into a sexual bond and eventually fruitfulness. Don’t rush to any conclusions or filing any paperwork, just take this slow and you’ll find your way forward together.

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Thank you, C1 🤗 won’t rush anything

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Offering a different perspective (the above ones are totally valid too!)

It’s not uncommon for sex to feel like a chore when you’re trying to conceive. My husband and I had a very healthy sexual relationship until we were trying to get pregnant and for over a year, it was very strained (“I’m ovulating” is not exactly a turn-on). We ended up doing fertility treatments and as hard as that was, the silver lining was that separating sex from pregnancy took a ton of pressure off and helped things get back to normal.

I could see in our situation where you’ve been through a lot in your relationship, it would take some work to rekindle the chemistry in the first place, and adding the pressure of trying to get pregnant is probably not helping.

I don’t have a solution and am not suggesting you seek out fertility treatments (totally a personal call) but just sharing my experience in case it resonates. It sounds like you guys have a great connection emotionally, I hope things work out for you!

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I have PCOS but you’re over 35 and have been trying for over 6 months (meaning you’re off birth control and having at least occasional sex) you can technically be diagnosed and treated. It’s not too big a hurdle at our age.

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I want to reply and add color commentary but this hits too close to home for me. The only thing I can offer is that sex and kissing is part of intimacy and the language of love. Speaking for myself, I need it to feel healthy and fulfilled.

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Girl I’m with you. My husband and I get along great and have a blast together but with stress and long hours of our jobs sex is not a priority and happens infrequency. I need help too. My doctor suggested we go to a sexual health clinic but that just seems too weird.

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Have you tried sex therapy?

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Nope but may be I could seek one.

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Have you tried spicing it up? Do you remember the things that used to turn you all on? I went through a similar situation although separation wasn’t as long (~6 months) and we couldn’t stop having sex for like 2 weeks when we reconciled, and I mean literally 6-8 times per day, every day. Now we’re a little more normalized but I just remember the things that used to turn on my husband and I casually do them to get him riled up. We booked a vacation in the Caribbean and got one of those rooms with the outdoor showers and just rediscovered each other. Maybe try something along those lines, if possible.

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Aah SC1 - that sounds like fun 😉

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We just don’t have the steam in our relationship. I am 38 now and want to start a family. We have been trying hard but it seems more like a chore that it is a big turn off for both of us. I am distraught. Is this normal in marriage that have lasted a decade? What recommendations do you have for us. 🙏

Thank you, M1. Glad you have found yourself in the process. The dichotomy is about our we are madly in love, we kiss & hug but no sexual chemistry. I feel like this may be an anomaly.

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