{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Ladies, I just found out my fiancé’s mother has Alzheimer and the only people who can look after her is my fiancé and his brother. It’s still early but fiancé says he might have to move back home if things get worse. My parents don’t know, and I know for sure they will be against getting married. I’m scared but I love him too much. What would you do?", "post_id": "5fa248d6d5738a001a248a09", "reply_count": 21, "vote_count": 2, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting" }

Ladies, I just found out my fiancé’s mother has Alzheimer and the only people who can look after her is my fiancé and his brother. It’s still early but fiancé says he might have to move back home if things get worse. My parents don’t know, and I know for sure they will be against getting married. I’m scared but I love him too much. What would you do?

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What would you do if one of your parents had Alzheimer’s?

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Why would your parents be against getting married?

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Sounds like you are projecting what you think they may say...and even if they do, why does it matter what they say? I’m getting the sense that it’s how you may feel

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Thanks all. I wasn’t expecting much when I was posting this but I’m really touched by all of your responses. I can’t imagine life without him so I’ll be there for him for the hard times. Buckling up for a long, potentially rough ride!

likeuplifting

Good! Also, this challenge could be for a few years. You may be able to get to a financial point where you can provide her with adequate professional care in a home.

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If you’re planning on being married forever then roll up your sleeves and roll with the punches.

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There’s a chinese saying that how he treats his mother and how he will treat his wife. Would you rather have him to leave his mom in a senior home as opposed to take care of her? Seems like he’s a good man.

likehelpful

However- the question is how will this impact the overall relationship and marriage...

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Depends on what kind of mother she is. If she is a good person, whom you like, and has been good to her son, I’d say support taking care of her. It’s going to be a long road, sadly, but good deeds to help the good keep the positive energy of the universe alive. If she is like my grandma or mother (ie abusive, racist, greedy, horrible people) then I’d let karma do her thang

likesmart

Yep! Depending on your financial situation and country you may also have options for a home, some in home care etc as things progress, something you could share with future BIL. Families can be inconvenient and our spouses may come carrying their own burdens - in my experience, thats the marriage bit. But you are right to ask questions, who will be primary caregiver, whose career is affected.

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If he’s the one you chose and agreed to marry, I can’t imagine not being there for him through this incredibly tough time. ❤️ I can only imagine he’ll need your love and support.

likehelpful

I think a huge part of marriage is creating a new family where the patterns and norms may be different from your family of origin. Alzheimer’s is an extremely difficult road, but life throws a lot of huge and unexpected challenges at us and the best way to get through it is with a great partner/support system. Breaking up with your fiancé will not guarantee you an easy life without health challenges. I wish you all the best.

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I suggest getting some perspectives before you do anything. Reach out to the support groups that exist for relatives so you can talk through what you're thinking and feeling in a safe space. I know they've been really helpful for my family.

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I dont have any advice for you whether you should continue the relationship or not, but just wanted to share my experience. My father in law has alzheimers, and he was diagnosed after we were married for 2 years. This month we celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary, and yes, both my FIL and MIL live in another country. The disease progression is really hard on family, and in particular for my husband. I have seen a person who was full of life, independent, successful and always kind change overnight into a person we don't recognize as my FIL anymore. Its way hard for my MIL and husband, but I am equally attached and feel the pain. The risk of my husband and soon to be born son is also there for alzheimers. Having said that, this has also bought us closer as a family. Our inlaws spend equal time here with us and in their home country (covid messed up things this year), we prioritize enjoying what we can on good days and try to make as many memories as possible. I have come to realize that life is unpredictable and things can go wrong any moment, so for me its all about prioritizing happy moments over sad, and trying to find small happiness to tide over some really challenging times. It is tough and probably many wont understand what goes into caring for an alzheimers patients, but if you have a loving family and a supportive spouse, its one hiccup in the whole journey called life.

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Thank you. When I read OP’s post/question, I understood the depth of situation as you noted in your experience. It’s not just seeing the progression of the illnesses, the impact to family, the level of support you’d have to render but also the concern for your partner and children. I admire you and applaud you.

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It is your decision in the end. Why do you care about what your parents think? I would be more concerned about the possibility of him eventually having the disease as well. But then again... If you do love him, you are the one who has to decide if you will support him or not

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Talk to your fiancé. At length. More than once. This is seems like it could be the “for worse” part of “for better or worse,” and I know it seems like you should get some of the “for better” part for a while first, but life has a way of making plans for us. Talk about the logistics of caring for your MIL. Talk about the finances of it. Be realistic. Examine your own feelings carefully and be honest with him about them. Work with a family counselor if you need to. Talk to people in your (or his mother’s) state or county’s Office on Aging. There are so many resources available to help your whole family navigate through this in a caring, compassionate way that doesn’t have to spell the end of your relationship and can still lead to a long & happy life together for you as a couple. Best of luck to you and your family.

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It depends. Will your fiancé actually care for his parents or will he expect you to? I know so many men who claim they will care for their parents, but then outsource it to their wives. I have family members with Alzheimer’s and it is difficult. The responsibilities will never be evenly split. If you care more, you’ll end up doing more. Don’t just assume your fiancé or his brother will be responsible. They have to have a proven track record of doing their fair share of chores and caretaking around the house.

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Fear-based decisions are rarely good. Act out of love, not out of fear.

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Act rationally- don’t let emotions drive this ... all emotions change over time - try to be as objective as possible and think how will ultimately impact your plans, life and future family

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