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Hi ladies!
I have my video interview with Liberty Mutual tomorrow for a licensed customer service role. Oddly, this morning I get an invitation to interview with Farmers for a claims customer service associate. I know the salary for the LM role, but not the Farmers role. Does anyone have experience with either? They are both great companies and I want to make sure I’m planting my feet with the right one. Thank you!Liberty Mutual Insurance Farmers Insurance Group
Can anyone tell me what the salary range is for Monitor Deloitte senior consultants in the UAE? Also I have a SC offer from PwC healthcare (not strategy &) and currently also interviewing with Monitor so according to you all which of the two is better across WLB, growth, culture, quality? Thanks!
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Im going to join FIS Global on 25th as a Java dev. I have 3.9 years total exp, current company is TCS. what it will be like to join Fis and any risks? Could anyone give a brief about the culture and what it will be like in the first 1 year?. What I can find difficult as coming from a service based company?
It’ll be okay.
Is Tom Cruise gay?
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Pro
He better have rock hard abs and run 15 miles a week if he has this attitude
Nah, my husband is super fit and runs/bikes a ton but if he ever said this kind of thing to me it would NOT be okay
Could you provide additional context? What exactly did he say and how did he go about it? You say he “essentially asked” which makes me feel like he didn’t flat out just say “I think you got fat, you need to get fit for me.”
My SO and I frequently check in on each other about our health. I carry most of mine on my stomach, which is not healthy. Last year around March I got to around 145-150, which was the heaviest I had ever been (I’m 5’2 for reference). Doctors had started telling me I was overweight when I hit 138 a few years back, so this was really more weight than I should carry. I started to feel sluggish. I started to complain about my appearance to my SO, and my sex drive was at an all time low because I felt so gross inside my own body. Finally, I did the math and if I was steadily gaining 2-3 pounds a year then in a few years I really would be pretty overweight. I didn’t want that creep to keep going. I finally made some changes and dropped 15 pounds and felt so much better.
When I was heavier my SO didn’t tell me I needed to lose weight, but every time I complained about it he did suggest that we would start eating healthier and that he’d work out with me if that would help me get motivated. He also was honest with me when I asked if I looked heavier and he said that it did look like I had put on a few pounds, but mostly that he saw it was effecting me in other ways.
Idk without more context it feels like everyone is just attacking your SO for the sake of attacking someone. If my SO had gained some weight and I saw it made him unhappy then I’d step in, say something, and help him get to a more comfortable size too. I also grew up with parents who constantly criticized my weight when I was younger, but I see they were coming from a good spot. It’s a lot easier to get it under control and be a healthy weight when you’re maybe only a few pounds over and a few small lifestyle changes could fix then, than let the weight creep up to a point where it’s difficult to manage and you’re really unhappy.
At the end of the day, if you’re happy with your weight and appearance, that’s what matters. But consider whether maybe you’ve been giving off a vibe that you’re not?
I am very concerned bc I’ve seen this level of narcissism I. Past relationships and awhile after that I began to see psychologically and emotionally abusive behavior as well. I understand if maybe your partner feels he is starting to feel less attractive because of the weight but at the end of the day, he should love and be attracted to the wonderful woman you are, not what you look like. And if he wants you to put more effort into your appearance, I understand, but a list of demands is a no-no. For beauty stuff, he can gift you beauty experiences or surprise you. For health abs fitness, he could say honey let’s eat better together - I’m going to come up with a regimen for us. For exercise, he could say babe let’s power walk for an hour after dinner so we can be healthy and sexy for each other. I’m over relationship where I have to be so obligated that I don’t have time or energy or effort to do the things I NEED and WANT to do for me. And I will never remain in a relationship where I’m not loved for who I am whether skinny or fat. I had a similar issue with added weight, abs my fiancé loved my fat (he called it “every curve”) more than I did - I didn’t get it because I though I looked obese but I realize that’s true love.
I’m a lesbian so take this for what you will but no that is in no way okay. The only thing men have is the f**kin’ audicity 🙄🙄🙄 your husband saying that is gross.
My weight has spanned from a size 4 (when we met) to a size 10 (currently) and literally everywhere between over the past 10 years of being with my SO and he has never once disparaged my weight or told me I need to get in shape “for him.” I’m not happy with myself when I’m heavier (solely because I feel better when in my ideal weight range), but he consistently tells me I’m beautiful and he’s attracted to me at any size.
Rising Star
Are you a decoration or a person? You should be mindful of your health for your sake of course, I’m not saying stop taking care of yourself. But your husband can bite himself.
1) Anyone saying a size 4-6 need to lose weight is insane, that is smaller than average, even at your height. 2) Anyone who would say that to you is incredibly cruel and doesn’t love you or care about you. Period. He cares about how you make him look, at best, and about controlling you, at worst. Your health is not in danger, and based in your height/size, you’re probably quite thin, so there’s really no justification for this kind of statement. Leave him, I guarantee this is just the beginning of what will be a lifetime of abusive and terrible behavior.
Weight and height alone aren’t good indicators to be honest. I’m 5’3 and currently 145 lbs and I need to lose some weight (4/6) Definitely have excessive body fat, which just isn’t healthy (or attractive, honestly). I’ve also been at the same scale weight (and even higher) and looked infinitely better because my weight came from muscle mass rather than fat, so I was several sizes smaller (0/2/4) and looked much leaner despite actually weighing more. OP could fall into either category.
That said — there are tactful ways to tell a partner you’re worried about weight gain or unhealthy lifestyles, and OP’s husband’s method ain’t it. My partner gets on health and fitness kicks and can get pushy about it occasionally. He’s gotten better about being gentle but it never fails to offend me, no matter how tactful or legitimate his comments might be. It’s helpful to self evaluate at that point. Is your body carrying more weight than healthy? If it is, can you make time to take steps to address it (for yourself!)?
Maybe you should try the Divorce Diet. It nearly always works.
Easiest way to drop 200 pounds.
I just sincerely want to thank all of you ladies for the range of perspectives. I haven’t been able to think of much else today, and I do think this merits a continued conversation to see if that can explain or heal some of the hurt. I do just want to note though, that I don’t suscribe to the idea that size in any way shape or form informs whether someone is healthy or not. Size here matters because I was a different size but in many ways I’m a much healthier human being today than some of my past years when I was smaller. Can my habits improve? Always. It’s the idea that someone that loves me or is supposed to love me for me thinks less than strangers (ie compliments or advances from strange men). I value though all of the different responses to this. It’s given me a lot to think about. Can I talk or even look his way yet, though? Nope.
When your spouse says something that is hurtful and you are not able to talk, consider leaving a note on the dresser. Writing communicates the substantive issue as well as reveals the hurt generated. Also allows you to phrase carefully and respond promptly so that hurt isn’t allowed to fester. Worked for my parents!
I am surprised at the number of comments trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt/excusing/explaining away this behavior. Your body is yours and does not belong to him, so he has no right to tell you to change it for him.
Pro
I was going to give your husband the benefit of the doubt that he poorly phrased his concern for your health, but then I saw your comment about the list he made, and doing “beauty/maintenance for husband” or something like that. That’s absolutely disgusting, and goes WAY beyond him just looking out for your health. This pandemic has been incredibly stressful, and weight gain in a situation like this is normal! I’m shocked that more women aren’t appalled by this. I would bet money that he doesn’t think HE needs to fix his beauty/maintenance to please YOU. None of us on here are relationship experts, but to me this is a huge red flag that, at a minimum, needs to be addressed in therapy. And if he keeps thinking of you as a centerpiece and not as a human being who (like all of us) spent over a year living through the stress of a global pandemic, walk out that door and don’t look back.
I get compliments all the time too A6! Which is why getting this from the one person whose opinion I actually care about is so disheartening. Thank you ladies for being so supportive. Not sure yet what to do. Haven’t looked his way all day today because I simply cannot bring myself to.
Dump him. This person is toxic and is not looking out for you. He's just looking out for himself. If you are healthy and feel good about yourself, that's what matters. Not what some man child thinks about your body and about how you should look for his enjoyment.
Enthusiast
Talk coming today. Thank you for making me feel so supported ♥️✨ we’ll see how this goes.
Pro
Did he survive?
I think it’s worth having a follow up conversation with him about this. Tell him how you feel—hurt, offended, etc. and see what he does. Also, I’m personally very curious about how fit and healthy he is. If he’s far from perfect, maybe this should be gently pointed out. On the other hand, if he’s super in shape and a bit of a health nut, that might be a big part of his life that he wants you to share with him (whether you actually want to is 100% your decision and him pushing isn’t going to help anyone).
Your anger is justified and valid! Please don’t apologize for your feelings (especially to him). Do something nice for yourself, maybe meditate if that’s your thing and come back to this when emotions have cooled a bit. It’s possible he meant only good things (really giving him the benefit of the doubt here) and just delivered it in a very stupid and callous way that only men seem to do. He eventually needs to know how much he’s hurt and angered you so that he can explain himself and try to rectify the situation. What he does after he knows how you feel is everything.
I should have clarified that point. Im not unhealthy. Sure, I could eat better and clean up my diet I won’t deny that, but I’m not unhealthy. In fact, before covid when I didn’t have a chance to breathe at work I would often miss meals - not on purpose. I was just busy and stressed. Today, I regularly get in my breakfast, lunch, dinner. But I have gained some weight. I don’t know. I’m just hurt but maybe I should be realistic?? So confused
Can I be completely honest here? If my partner said to me I needed to lose weight, keep him in mind when doing things when taking care of myself etc I’d be absolutely p***** off. Different if I was unhealthy and the way my diet was etc could impact my health. I am sorry you got that from a person who’s meant to love unconditionally. I am also sorry to say I wouldn’t stand for it and would tell him to jog on. I wouldn’t change who I am and what to do for the benefit of someone who doesn’t appreciate me for who I am or who I have become. In the middle of a pandemic I have put weight on, I have not showered everyday and/or brushed my teeth every morning as soon as I wake up. I have not put a bra on for approx 1 year and that’s okay. I think it is unreasonable how men expect us to be perfect and on top of things 24/7 and no one tells them to do anything. I’d say you deserve way better and sorry for maybe being too harsh!
Rising Star
I went from a size 10 to a 6 in the pandemic and this makes me feel like it’ll never be enough 😔
I hate diet culture. As long as we’re healthy why can’t we just live our lives.
Chief
Diet culture is so toxic and it ruins the lives and steals the joy of so many women! And the worst part is that diet don’t work a vast majority of the time! You are enough whether you are a size 24 or a size 0. At your funeral, no one is going to eulogize you for being fat or skinny. Focus on what’s going to make a lasting impact in the world. Hugs to you!
Anyone a family law attorney? Sounds like OP needs a divorce…
But in all seriousness, you deserve so much better!
This is a tough one - I actually essentially asked my husband to do the same thing, but more for health reasons. He gained over 20 pounds during covid. I convinced him to see a doctor for his annual checkup which he hasn’t done for 10 years - his cholesterol is through the roof and it was quite a reality check for him. We’re expecting a child and I explained how much it would mean to me if he got healthy so he could stick around for our son. He’s on a diet now to bring his cholesterol/BP in check.
You asked your husband to do something any adult, especially a future parent, should do anyway. It’s irresponsible for your husband to not see a doctor for a decade. (Assuming that the reason he skipped the appointments is not because of money/insurance issues) His appointment could have led to treatment for many medical issues that have nothing to do with weight.
OP’s husband pretty explicitly told her to lose weight to look better for him. That’s not the same at all.
Pro
Why are men…y’know, like this.
(Says me, who has a date with a man tonight 😂.)
I went up to a size 12 during COVID (I’m 5’2” and used to be a size 4, but went up to a 6 in law school and an 8 my first year of practicing). And my fiancé doesn’t say shit about it unless I’m complaining about it, at which point he offers to do some exercise with me. And he exercises a lot himself (he runs and does some basic strength training), so it’s not hypocritical.
Honestly, it sounds like your husband is transposing his self-criticism onto you.
He made a list? Throw the whole man away. You're a queen, and don't forget it.
Enthusiast
Hi ladies! I know it’s been a long time, but it took us a couple of days to talk it through. I am relieved to say he did not mean what I thought he meant. He apologized profusely for the way he attempted to communicate certain issues, and for making it seem like I was an object he was trying to change. He clarified that what he meant to say was a want to get back to our healthier lifestyle together. Before covid we regularly cooked and exercised together and said he missed not only the time spent but how we felt generally. This I admit I miss too. He said he loved my body the way it is, but wants to create habits we can eventually do with our kids (whenever that happens). I can understand that. (But i still dragged him for his poor, to say the least, choice of words and communication “style.” 😒). What we still don’t see eye to eye on, and I still cannot
understand is the “beauty & maintenance” part of it. This talk has been long mostly for this reason. He says he doesn’t want me to change anything of what I do, and he’s happy that I do all those things (facials, extensions, lashes, waxes, nails, etc — I really really love all these things. They are my “me time things.”) but — here’s what I don’t get and have pushed back on — he wants to feel like I do those things for him too??? He’s tried to explain but I don’t get it. I straight out told him I didn’t want to do anything, relating to my body, for him. And I don’t. But we are married… should I do things for him? I’m confused. I then asked him what he did for me (re: his body and health) and he couldn’t name anything BUT Important background: he cooks, cleans, takes our dog out, trash, recycling, the backyard… on a regular basis. His only issue are dishes lol. He very much makes this house run, most of the time, without me because of the hours i work. But isn’t that just… normal married life/partnership? He does all those things and i do the same (to a lesser degree, but i do). This is our house, so, that’s just bare minimum what we should together anyway? He is a great partner. But I don’t want to feel like I do anything (image wise/self care) FOR him. I told him this and i could tell he was disappointed. Is that… bad? Unmarriage-like? Why does he need to feel like I (for example) get my facials done for his pleasure when it’s very much for mine. I know there are going to be a varied amount of opinions and I’m here for it.
I’m tend to agree with FP1. You went from a teaching salary, which suggests that somewhere along the way you went to and finished law school (congratulations). What has he done with his career during this same time? While making the house run is part of partnership, etc. and he may love doing it, unless he’s a neat freak, on some level he’s doing it for you so you can do your thing. And, even though your thing is paying for the lifestyle to which you all have become accustomed, that’s not always keeping him warm at night. He may be feeling unseen, unappreciated, and insecure. Undoubtedly your practicing law not only changed your station in life, it has and is changing you. You love you and he seems to be asking you to show him you love him too- like a little boy. It’s not healthy. You’re right to be sad. He has to find love and regard for himself. He can’t get his worth from you.