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Rising Star
I think step one might be getting clarity for yourself on what you need from a relationship because you’re going to need that clarity when you sit him down and tell him what you want. If he’s an innately nice person then a lot of the behaviors he’s exhibiting might be because he doesn’t know how much it bothers you or he thinks you’re just engaging in playful banter when you’re being very serious. The most standout example of that in your post was about Valentine’s Day- you say you “don’t mind” but you’re also feeling like you do expect some acknowledgment of the day?
Last piece, don’t be afraid of pushing him away because you’re communicating what you need. Because the alternative of you suffering in silence appears to be leading to you pushing him away anyway.
This is so insightful!! I needed to hear this thank you :)
OP as someone who is married, my only piece of advice would be ALWAYS pick someone who will put you above themselves. Marriage and relationships are about companionship and feeling ‘safe’. If someone makes you feel like you cannot express your fears, your frustrations and what drives you. Maybe you need to re-evaluate. Also remember age is Never a reason to compromise
Rising Star
The fact that he’s shooting you down and mocking you... girl, RUN!
I’m sorry but being in your late twenties should not be a good enough reason to stay with this man
Idk your situation but I hope you’re not getting manipulated into thinking that “you’re overthinking”
Ditch now to avoid a divorce later
Rising Star
Run. Run fast, run far, be free. This guy sounds like a chump.
Rising Star
No no no. Settling for this shouldn’t be on your mind until 35+. But even then, still no. He’s mean and will only continue trying to put you down.
The most concerning part of all this to me is he doesn’t like you making money and trying to improve yourself. He can only hold you back. He has low self esteem and he will try to keep you down with him. This could easily turn into controlling behavior and/or cheating.
Rising Star
I think there’s a difference between wanting more to buy/flaunt material things or by way of keeping score (a la SO MUCH of the main bowl), and wanting more to secure your future. Which camp are you in? Can he recognize the difference?
It’s entirely possible people from means come out having no clue what it takes to sustain what they’d consider an average lifestyle, pay loans, pay for childcare down the line, etc.
If you think this man is getting too comfortable now, try 5 years from now when you have kids (if you want some) and he has no incentive to even try. It’ll only get worse.
I feel like I’m really lucky to have someone since I’m in my late 20s and we have similar goals in terms of starting a family. We’ve also met each other’s family so we’re very serious but I just feel like he’s getting too comfortable with me and has stopped trying at all. We didn’t do anything for Valentine’s Day yesterday and it’s not like I minded but he didn’t want to spend any time with me. He shot down movies I wanted to watch and mocked me for losing when I suggested playing board games. He did get me a present that was food related but he paired it with a card mentioning how it’ll make me constipated because I’m lactose intolerant. I had bought lingerie and planned on having a fun time but by the middle of the day I felt too disappointed to go through with putting it on. How do I mend this relationship? I have so much anxiety that I’ve just been despondent with my feelings and I’m scared I’m pushing him away
Have you considered that he is pushing you away?
There’s great advice below on voicing your needs. You can’t love or accommodate someone into loving you. You can ask for what you want and be honest with yourself about whether they are ever going to consider you. You feel too old to start again now, but remember that if it continues you’ll feel even older 6 months from now. It’s only 1.5 years. It’s not too late. Plenty of others have similar goals. Figure out if the unknown is really worse than this forever more.
Girl run. This guy sounds like bad news. Also late 20s is NOT a reason to stay with a man like this. You mention wanting to start a family. A family is a lot of responsibility. Is this who you want to go down that road with? Please leave him.
A good partner should be supportive and building you up. You deserve better!
Also, this man makes significantly less than you. Having a family is expensive. You mention wanting to improve your financial status; starting a family with him will bring you down financially. Girl, think!
Thank you to everyone for your advice. I was in a dark place today and your words have helped me think through a lot. I’ve resolved to have as honest of a conversation as possible with him about my feelings and see how that goes. I do want to try to see if he understands me and can commit to changing for the better, otherwise I’m out. You ladies are amazing!
Conversation Starter
OP keep us posted on how the convo goes. In a vaguely similar situation and you’ve opened me eyes
Look around - he seems to be passive aggressive comfort zone kind of person. Why are you with him? What attracted you to him? Is it still true?
Are there better folks than him? Maybe. Do you hit off as well with them or better?
You need to find out both these things. Settle if you want to, but do so with your eyes open.
Chief
Late 20’s...??!’ You are still so young. Don’t waste any more time with this guy. Clearly it is not a love match, probably on either side. Another guy is out there who is perfect for you, and you staying with this guy is keeping you from a better next relationship. It’s not easy, but move on! Good luck!
Get someone new...listen to yourself!