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(1) is marriage something you want?
(2) if so why arent you guys talking about it?
In my culture, people live together, have children and are SOs without getting married. Because of that, I know folks from different backgrounds will have different long term expectations. Not talking about it is not a great sign.
I would say because you are not feeling comfortable bringing up long term relationship goals with a man you have been with for 10 years tells me this is not a good relationship. I really wish you the best OP.
My husband has always said he knew after about 2-3 months in. We got engaged at the 2 year mark but it was discussed and well understood that we intended to marry pretty early on, by the 6 month mark.
OP I think this is a really long time. If your SO doesn’t want to be married by now I think you need to cut your losses and move on if marriage is something important to you
Thank you and I’m torn on whether or not that honeymoon phase the first few years is just excitement or it can last
A good chunk of our time at the start was in college, so I count those 4 years, but also... it was college.
Our actual living together time as adults is at about 3 yrs
I think you know the answer :( you should move on.
Agreed with McK one!
I think so.
My hubby started ring shopping (silently without me knowing he was so serious) about 2 months after our first date. He proposed 4 1/2 months after our first date but I'd officially been his gf like 19 days (not shotgun wedding). Happily married 6+ years and together 8+. He'd never had a serious long term relationship till me because he said he never found anyone interesting enough, but with me he said he just knew. Maybe he's weird. Maybe they just know. I don't know.
That’s so sweet and great advice!
It’s less about marriage and more about if you two have the same intent in staying in a relationship. Is one of you looking for a long term life partner, while the other is just enjoying the benefits of a relationship without any of the true responsibilities/commitment? That’s the difference that could signal incompatibility. Anecdotally though, in my experience with my own SO and friends around me, men know pretty early on if they’re in it for the long haul.
How have you not spoken about it?!?!?!
For the first 4 years we were in college, so that’s part of it - two years after we were long distance, moving around abroad and only recently moved in together
It’s just never really seemed....like it was an appropriate time
To give you a sprinkle of hope... my cousin and his girlfriend got married after 11 years together, both in their 30s. Cousin didn’t even tell the family about her until 9.5 years in. When we asked her if he had proposed she said he never brought up marriage. The women in the family basically bullied him into a wedding because we were so appalled/horrified and she clearly was a sweet girl. Idk why he was just take his sweet ass time. Anyway now (1.5 years later) they have the cutest baby girl. First niece!!
Hope your talk goes well!!
I’m not saying that your SO will not warm up to the idea of marriage! I just think it’s worth it to let him decide that (or not, obviously I don’t know him) on his own without feeling forced. Why would you want to force someone to be your partner? They should just do that of their own free will!
it seems like maybe you just need to have a Frank conversation with him and talk about both of your goals for the future. have you done this before Op? if it's difficult for you sometimes therapy can help. Good luck!
I was with my ex for over a decade as well. And he never mentioned about our future, there was never a plan. I waited and waited and waited, there was nothing. He ended up leaving the country and said he would take me there once he settled, nope. So my personal experience wasn’t good, certainly doesn’t mean yours isn’t. But please please please make sure you know that you’re worthy and there is a person out there that would be dying to be with you and put a ring on it!
^^ that’s really sad to hear.
I know there are people/friends out there would happily do it in a second, but being together such a long time is tough
Different cultures, religions etc
I just feel like he thinks this isn’t it for him but won’t go either way and because it’s been so long, it’s comfortable. I could be wrong since we haven’t actually spoken about this, but it’s a feeling that just makes me sad.
Does anyone else know this situation ?
I had been with my husband 11 years before we got married, I was 30, he was 33. I didn’t feel like I wanted it before that, felt premature. Definitely have the talk, but I wouldn’t go in assuming it would be negative!
The answer is you ask him, you are assuming a lot. I have been in a relationship for 9 yrs we aren’t married but have had the discussion. I am not in a hurry.
Is it important to you to get married or be happy being in a committed relationship and have a family together? I applaud anyone who still believes in marriage but for many it has become just a legal piece of paper with little meaning as it hasn’t prevented divorces. I believe that being in a committed relationship, sharing finances, moving forward in your relationship whether that is starting a family or not and buying a home together, etc. has more meaning. So I think the question is are you two moving forward in your relationship or still stagnant in the dating status?
So being married and being happy in a committed relationship are mutually exclusive? There are lots of legal pieces of paper similar to a marriage license, with high implications that a committed couple would sign in “moving forward” as you say.
I wouldn’t jump the gun. OP said there are cultural differences and she’s open to marrying the right person. Is it a requirement though? A good friend of mine is Norwegian. Him and his SO have been together for nearly 20 years and have 2 kids. They’re deeply committed to each other; but in their culture getting married is not a huge necessity nor it’s a milestone in the relationship. OP, is marriage something that would be necessary to you? If you so, you need to talk to see where he’s at.
Thanks all. I’m not in a hurry, but I sometimes just wonder if he’s the right person for me based off our entire time together. Early on he brought up that there’s something missing, but at this point it’s been so long.. it might honestly be me asking the wrong question- maybe IM not sure of what I want at this point.
OP, sounds like you’re both holding on to a relationship you don’t want. Question is, why are you both unable to let go and move on?