Last week I had a miscarriage after being 8 weeks pregnant. I’m having a hard time focusing and coming up with ideas while my head is filled with emotions and my hormones are all out of wack. I’m not sure anyone realizes I’m going through something. I haven’t told anyone at work because I’ve only been at my job since March and it’s such a personal thing to share. Have any of you gone through this? Did you tell your boss or anyone at work?

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So sorry to hear you’re going through this ❤️Sharing my story in case helpful. Not exactly the same thing but I struggled after having an ectopic pregnancy that became an issue around the same number of weeks. Between the hormones, the meds to try and terminate the pregnancy, and struggling with the general loss, work was very difficult (less so for me the loss of a baby as it was still so early. I have severe endometriosis and PCOS and didn’t think I could get pregnant/will probably have a very hard time getting pregnant again - so it was more loss of this joy/life that I didn’t think I could have/life that I don’t know if I’ll naturally have. But understand this is very personal and any grief you may have is valid). The only person I explicitly told the details to at work was someone who’s a really close friend of mine outside of work. When it came to my department head, I was fortunate that she picked up on my shift in energy/disposition. I normally have a very personable personality, laugh that can be heard on the other side of the office, etc. In the immediate aftermath, I was in her office for a 1:1 talking about something work-related and she said to me “I can feel your energy has shifted. I don’t know what’s going on but I can tell it’s weighing on you. I don’t know if you don’t want to ask for time off or don’t think you can (it was insanely busy at the time), but if you think you need some sort of permission to, you have it” I emailed her later that day and said thank you for the offer and that I was going to take her up on it (turned out to be the right thing to do bc one of my tubes ended up bursting). At the time, I chose not to share the details of what was going on (although this was a couple years ago, I no longer work at this company, and I recently sent her an email telling her how much that moment was needed/how much it saved me from the ledge I was on). Again, I was lucky that she picked up on the energy and I’m not entirely sure how I would have approached if she did not. But if you feel comfortable sharing that you’re going through something personal, even if you choose not to share the details, it can be very helpful to get the space you need. Even if only for a couple of days. I’ve found people are more understanding than not, especially after the past year and a half.

likeupliftinghelpful

That’s a leader you want to follow. So glad she gave you that space. And so sorry you had to go through all of that. And...thank you for sharing your journey. Even if it helps just ONE...is worth opening up. ❤️

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I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. This thread is bringing me a lot of comfort… it’s easy to feel alone in the pregnancy loss journey. I experienced an ectopic pregnancy earlier this year and have seen so much of myself in what other women are mentioning in this thread…. But I wanted to offer another thought. When I got the news, it was spread out over the course of about a week - first the news that bloodwork didn’t look good, then that it was likely a non viable pregnancy that would likely end in miscarriage, and then finally the ectopic diagnosis and decision to do the injection to end the pregnancy. I was crushed and didn’t tell anyone at work, at first. When I got the ectopic diagnosis, I did choose to share what I’d been going through with my boss and some of the senior leadership I work closely with. But, I didn’t take the time and space I needed to grieve. In fact, I was back at work and scrambling to finish writing a strategy less than 24 hours after I received the injection to end the pregnancy (which made me unbelievably sick). In the moment, I was struggling, but surviving. And, I kept telling myself it wasn’t a big deal. Fast forward a few months and it all hit me - the grief, the anxiety, the loss of joy and innocence about what pregnancy would be for me in the future. And it was pretty emotionally encompassing. I’ve been working on setting boundaries in therapy for a few months now and I’m angry - at myself for not giving me the grace I deserved. At my boss and other leaders at my company for saying I could “take time,” but not proactively doing anything to lighten my workload and make me feel like that was actually true. It’s been 7 months and I still don’t feel like I’ve processed what all happened - and I think it’s because I pushed it down so much in the moment and just kept working through it. I hope you will choose to share what happened with someone who can help you take some time and space…. It won’t heal you, but it might help kickstart the process. (And I later learned that depending on the state you live in, your can qualify you for bereavement leave or short term disability for miscarriage - something you might be able to look into, if PTO is limited for you.)

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I had a miscarriage at ten weeks and it devastated me. I cried myself to sleep for months because I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to have kids. I didn’t know if something was wrong with me, my cycle was off, and my hormones were crashing all at the same time. I mostly preferred to keep it to myself because the few people I told truly didn’t understand and said dumb things like “oh you can try again.” Take time off and tell work it’s a family emergency if you don’t feel comfortable sharing. No one will question it. I’m not sure if this helps but when I was in the thick of it, the only thing that made me feel somewhat better was hearing success stories. My little guy is currently smearing sweet potatoes all over his high chair. He was born almost exactly a year after our loss. ❤️

likeuplifting

Thank you for sharing. Tears rolled down my face reading that and it does help. We were trying for a year so it does feel a little desperate right now but trying to remain hopeful as we figure out what’s next and get more medical guidance. So happy you were able to become a mom.

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I had a miscarriage around this time last year. I was a mess - if it hadn’t been for working remotely, I would’ve needed to take a leave. I ended up posting about it on social media about a month after it happened and most of my coworkers follow me, so they eventually found out. Everyone was extremely supportive and understanding after, going out of their way to share their own experiences with me or just tell me they were there if I needed them. In retrospect, I wish I wouldve taken a few days off when it happened. Not only would have my boss have understood, but I desperately needed time to grieve the loss and take a few days for myself. This is one of those things that is so hard to share, but because it’s hard to share, it’s so much more common than we’re all led to believe. If you’re able to share with your boss and need a few days, I’d definitely recommend it. Sending you love during this time. ❤️

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Thank you. I appreciate you sharing and I’m sorry about your miscarriage. I haven’t been able to take any time off and in fact have had more out in my plate. Hoping the upcoming holiday weekend will allow for more processing/downtime.

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I haven’t been in this situation, but I just wanted to let you know that I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my sister two months ago. Some people at work know about it, others don’t. I go back-and-forth between wanting people to know. I don’t want to miss out on opportunities or be treated differently out of pity, but sometimes I want people to know so they can give me a bit of a break. I know miscarriages are less publicly talked about than my experience, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I did tell my manager pretty shortly after, and I’m really glad I did. You are in my thoughts ❤️

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Thank you for your love. And so sorry to hear about your sister. Love back to you.

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I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t know if I even have permission to share something like this on this thread, or in general, but I’ve had two abortions during my early professional career. While I believe it was the right decision, it was a difficult one, and it plunged me into a very deep depression that took a lot of therapy, prayer, meditation, breath work, and litany of personal healing to move through. My work productivity and attitude was so negatively affected that I was put on a performance plan and had to speak to HR. While this is not the type of information one would normally share at work, I did have a breakdown in front of the HR professional, and she kindly told me to take a paid leave, as much time as I needed. It was more compassion than I was expecting. I am constantly in awe of the emotional trauma that we as women work through. I do hope to have kids someday, and I understand that the journey could be rife with loss and pain as well. It should be covered under family leave plans as well. Thank you for sharing your stories.

likeuplifting

Thank you for sharing. It’s so hard to do that and I’m so thankful for this place so I can feel less alone.

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Take some time off. You need space to heal. Some of the more progressive countries are now offering paid time for miscarriages and I hope the US does this (eventually at least)

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I’m so sorry. Sending you so much love, ACD.

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I’m so sorry for your loss. Miscarriages are often suffered in silence but it’s ok to tell select people if you’re comfortable with it. I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and needed surgery to remove the fetus because my body wasn’t naturally expelling it. I needed a few days off. I told my CCO and my creative resource manager because it was healing for me to have some people know what I was going through. They couldn’t have been more supportive and opened up to me about their own stories of miscarriages. My miscarriage was a shitty experience but it was beautiful to see my coworkers who I had known for decades drop the act of professionalism and just be a human being with me. I found that they gave me the extra grace and support that I needed after I returned to work. People will help you if you let them ❤️

likeuplifting

Thank you. That’s good advice.

I am so so sorry, and thank you for sharing. When I was trying to get pregnant I had several miscarriages, all prior to 10 weeks over the course of a few years. Looking back on the period I think what no one told me is that your body goes through a period of grieving that is out of your hands. I tried to just plough on through at work - at home I was a mess - and only in hindsight did I really realize quite how much of a physical and emotional toll the whole experience had on me. I tried to just compartmentalize it, and I couldn’t. Now I know what I wish I had known then which is your body is literally in mourning. Even if you want to you can’t control it. For me I didn’t tell anyone at work at the time, I think it was a coping mechanism. Candidly I felt like I was struggling so much in one part of my life and work provided a space to feel like something wasn’t falling apart. If I was talking to my former self now, I would tell myself to look after me more. I don’t think I would have told my work, personally, as it was the place I could go and I didn’t have to think about it so much. But I do wish I had taken more time to just let myself process and heal. So, with all that, know this 1. You are not alone and this is a process - even early miscarriages take it out of you 2. However you feel is best for you, do that - but know you don’t need to tell work any of the details if you don’t want to, and still take time off. This definitely falls under the category sick leave. And taking time to care for you is key. 3. You will come through the other side. Changed, yes. But resilient. 4. As someone earlier said - I found success stories kept me going through it. I remember someone telling me this and it helped - you will have a baby. It might not be when or how you exactly thought but you will have one. I know have two kids - we got there 💕 Lastly, I once read Beyoncé’s Halo is about this exact experience, I am not sure if it is true - but I always find it a huge source of comfort. Sending you all the love.

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Wow. This is exactly how I am handling this and feeling. Part of me feels like I am crumbling and the part of me that has gotten myself through any low point is saying to get up and keep on going. I think it’s really helpful working from home because I have my partner there to give me love and affection and just be there for me. I really appreciate you sharing your experience. And I’m so happy you became a mom!

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I’m so sorry, OP. Miscarriages aren’t talked about enough, however I do think your boss would understand unless they are a horrible person. This was a real baby and is a real loss like anything else. Personally, I’d take a couple personal days to heal and grieve.

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So many women on this thread have had to suffer in silence and my heart goes out to you. I lost four pregnancies in the last two years at work, one due to a fatal genetic issue at 20 weeks, and the result professionally was it took a toll on my performance. Beyond time off, more managers need to appreciate that grieving and healing can impact performance and that perhaps women going through these traumas need more grace in their evaluations. (This also occurred during the pandemic, when our childcare disappeared and all forms of social and professional support disappeared.) Thinking about grief and trauma as a path, not a moment or period of days, would help managers show more compassion…

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I’m so sorry for your loss. Managers could certainly be trained in compassion.

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A friend of mine had a miscarriage recently. She told her boss and took some time. No one judged and people were supportive. You’ve suffered a loss. Take the time you need to heal.

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I was in this exact same position a few years ago. I told my immediate bosses that I had to undergo emergency surgery and needed a few days off for that and to recover. One of them, who I never really liked or trusted, never asked why. The other, whom I loved, did ask if I was comfortable sharing, and since he was a parent and one of the most empathetic people I'd ever met, I did share. One thing that struck me after having a miscarriage was how many friends and family suddenly came out of the woodwork to say that they had had one, too.

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1. I am so deeply sorry 2. Not the same but devastating and hopefully a helpful story to tell your supervisor without having to relive your experience…I found out this month my partner of 2 years cheated on me by having a threesome and gave me chlamydia. I have an IUD so it’s extra complicated. Obviously, I didn’t want to share with my team and I was very not okay. I called my boss on teams to let him know something happened that affected my “physical and mental health” and I thought I needed some support with my workload for the week because I was in and out of appointments and struggling to focus/taking longer to get things done. The “physical and mental health” description was enough to illicit an extremely caring response from him and my whole team without having to divulge the full details. I was given two days off and have been given a lot of flexibility with appointments and my workload which has been a massive help. I hope this is helpful to you as a tool to use to heal. 💓

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I am so sorry ♥️ If you have some PTO to take, and feel comfortable enough to share what you’re going through with your manager I would recommend taking a break to focus on you. Your body, mind and heart could sure use it. Please know that your sisters in this community support you. Take good care of yourself, you deserve it.

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First, I am incredibly sorry to hear this news. Hopefully you can take the time off you need and only have to share with whom and what you are comfortable sharing. New or not, I hope most people can respect the need for time off. It is not only devastating emotionally but also takes its toll on you physically. As a manager, I have had employees who suffered similar losses confide in me. And other who I only later knew what was going on. There is no right way to do this, only what’s right for you.

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I’m so sorry—I know this pain, having gone through 3 miscarriages and resulting D&C’s (at 8, 9, and 10 weeks) and it helped me to tell my boss because I didn’t need the added worry of being perceived as unfocused or spacey while I grieved. I took a few days off for each and regrouped and my boss was very supportive. Happy ending: I have two kids now. Give yourself time to mourn your very real loss and know this feeling will not always be your reality and there is hope. 💕

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Yes, kinda, I was working freelance and they wanted to fly me out to the agency in Florida. I lived in Chicago. I finally had to tell them why it wasn’t a good idea to fly and why. They dropped me like a hot potato and the gig was over. Worked out for the best, I got pregnant soon after found a better job local.

That feels like a discrimination case

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The other option if you don’t want to tell anyone, just don’t. You can learn your company’s bereavement policy, and tell HR you need to take time and they can tell your manager. HR will keep it transactional and confidential, as they manage bereavement regularly. You don’t need to get into it with your team, and believe me people won’t ask details if it’s been said to be private. The other thing is people will be nice once you are back, but will move on with their lives after a few days. People don’t stick with other people’s trauma for long. So any awkwardness about coming back and people not knowing why you were out will go from puzzled to don’t care pretty fast. I don’t tell people my stuff because I don’t want people to feel sorry for me or the men I work with to think of me beyond my ideas. I am on my 3rd IUI, had a miscarriage on the 2nd round and I am pregnant now expecting to miscarry the 3rd given HCG and other monitoring data. I plan to keep trying after this and really don’t want the agency dept along for the ride asking for status updates. So I asked our benefits person the policy, then I advocated to HR to improve our IVF coverage to support women getting into leadership. And if I do miscarry this one, I plan to take time and not tell people why. They’ll think something bad happened, we should be nice to her, wonder what it is, and then they’ll get over it. And I will have time to do what I do to heal. All people suffer in big ways at different moments, through different experiences, it’s something that connects us, and it why we should always be compassionate to one another. When you work w grown ups they tend to know and respect that on some subconscious level. When people lose a loved one, then go back to work, work merely pauses to share condolences, but then keeps moving. You are the one who carries this in your body and mind, so suggest you spend time to face it in a way that works for you, whether through conversations people in your work world or without them (do talk w someone that you trust). If you’re hurting don’t ignore it. Do something that feels right in your own way. There is no correct way to do this. Sending you a big, soulful hug.

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