Long one - one of my best friends (10+ years) and I had a drink last week, I told her of my recent ADHD diagnosis and how we had noticed the generational trend (my mum & grandad as very similar symptoms wise and they acknowledge this, but not diagnosed). The friend mentioned her therapist has suggested she may had ADHD (inattentive type) - she then told me a few things like how she's absolutely neurotypical and she's never associated herself with neurodiversity etc, she made a ... Tbc

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... few comments about how she could never be "neurodiverse" and made it sound very negative like I was something super obvious & different - it didn't feel great & definitely like denial. She's displayed inattentive symptoms all the years I've known her, but she keeps making ADHD digs, despite me being open and honest with her.

Today I got a random WhatsApp saying I should read scattered Minds, which is apparently about how ADHD is due to generational trauma - Im feeling super shitty about it, first she makes neuro diversity feel like a disability (when I feel like it empowers me), then it's about how she could never be "neurodiverse" because she's so well educated, and now she's suggesting books about the fact generational trauma is the root of ADHD? &

Long - but any advice recommended? I think she's in denial, but it's new for me and I'm still learning about my diagnosis so v sensitive

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Scattered minds pinpoints generational trauma as one of many contributing factors to ADHD, I’d absolutely recommend it

Kinda sounds like the type of friend you'll grow out of soon, and that's probably a good thing. I wish I had been brave enough to step away from those types of folks far earlier in my diagnosis and healing journey.

There's no need to keep folks around who make you feel uneasy, unsafe, ashamed or quite frankly in any way uncomfortable. She's obviously not self aware or compassionate enough to be the kind of friend whom you can look to for support about this. No need to make a big deal about it, just nod politely and know that you know better.

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Any chance she’s jealous? You did mention you feel empowered…

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I have ADHD, I don’t think about nuero diversity

But would consider myself normal, despite ADHD

It is neurodiversity

It’s her battle if she’s afraid of being labeled neurodiverse. She might be really insecure about being different or whatever, and denying it and suggesting other causes is her way of coping.

If she keeps bringing it up as a dig, just respond neutrally that you don’t think neurodiversity is a bad thing and that neurodiverse people can also be successful, educated, and well adjusted. I’d probably just ignore the book recommendation.

You’re seeing one of the challenges that comes with sharing your diagnosis. You can’t be sure about how someone will react or use that information in the future, even if it’s your best friend.

Like A1 says, focus on yourself. Seems like a lot of incoherent noise with your friend.

To answer your question: she is in denial, and she didn't respond to your suggestion. pressing it won't help: just create space for yourself to do the work you need to do without shame or distraction. don't let folks rattle you, just trust yourself, your instincts, and your doctors (though always stay vigilant and skeptical with them!)

She'll get to her issues when she's ready. it's not your job to make her see, just like it's not her job to explain you to you, or suggest books that explain away the need for any further exploration of self (TBH i think anyone who is far into the "work" will laugh at a suggestion that any one book is an answer to one's complexities: books are great as reflection tools, but everyone is their own special soup.Her suggesting that she understands a really complex condition is a signal about her level of maturity in the subject.)

But honestly, people who respond negatively to the idea of neurodiversity in 2022 probably have a lot of learning and sensitivity training to do.

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