*Long post warning
Hi everyone,
I was always an above average student during school years in a Tier3 city in Punjab, that was recovering from a rough phase post 1984. Father works for the state police department and you can imagine the rough childhood years.
I got a good score in JEE and graduated from an old NIT. Secured multiple offers in my 4th year and started my career with Deloitte. Things are going well on the professional side and I am on the track to SCon in next YE cycle

Continued..

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why do you feel you are a failure . I am 38 still at consultant level sfter 14 yrs of experience. got fired in 2008 meltdown when I barely started my career & was jobless for a whole year, Have a family with 2 kids to take care of with a house wife not working, no additional income. I am in debt of 50k , average degree , no masters, didnot qualify for iit, failed miserably even for nits , come from a lower middle class family, come from the most poorest state of bihar , still enjoying life like there is no tomorrow. you are much much better .

likehelpful

Sorry to hear OP and thanks for sharing. I think therapy would be helpful in terms of providing an external perspective for sure. In terms of anchoring yourself internally, have you considered meditation? Would be a powerful tool to calm yourself and unshackle yourself from the past - though it would take a bit of practice before it begins paying off.

In any case, you have come a long way and wishing you strength for the road ahead.

likehelpful

For yourself - you have to be kind to yourself and also focus on and appreciate your accomplishments. "Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping."

For parents - it's really tough. Without knowing more, sometimes all you can do is to make them individually happy. You must know things that can help with that so could try to make them happen overtime to try and give them little bits of happiness/positivity.

likehelpful

I am in my mid-20s now and when I look back at my life, majority of it is filled with sadness and disappointment (that feeling of not accomplishing as much as you would have thought you could). Parenting was abusive as per 21st century standards, father had extramarital affairs, mother was probably depressed during that phase and due to the weak financial situation, there was always some kind of struggle. (Still remember the only birthday that was celebrated and I got a packet of toffees)

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I have been actively working on the exact same issue. Ton of trauma in this family and therapy isn't something they aren't going to access. So far I have been their therapist. Educating them, calling out patterns and naming them for easy reference. Most of it doesn't stick but I keep coming back to it whenever we discuss any issues in their lives and the understanding seems to bringing some peace.

Also the body-mind link is very strong among trauma survivors and yoga, sensory experiences, etc help a ton in reintegration f broken connections. Desi family is more likely to lean into yoga, esp if getting older

helpful

My grandparents migrated to India during the partition and from the stories I have heard, they definitely lived their lives in abject poverty and probably never cared much to improve their situation (lot of stories on fishing and home brewed alcohol)

Coming back to present, I thought that I will put an end to this generational trauma but I have started noticing that the past is probably catching up with me.

Recently I faced few rejections for Masters programs in the US and I am experiencing what failures in life can do to your mind. My tone has become more aggressive and I have started looking for instant gratification (thankfully not alcohol yet). While I am undergoing this, I feel sympathetic for my parents that what personal failures would have put them on the path of agression and abuse.

I haven't declared myself as a failure yet and will probably fight for my personal goals but what can I do for my parents at this stage? Whatever life they have experienced so far can't be undone but is there a way for them to heal. Therapy might not be the option

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