Looking for advice from other married women who make more than their husbands. I will likely make a lot more $ than my husband for the rest of our lives. I do most of the saving and financial planning. Now that we're in our 30s and looking to buy a house + have kids in a few years, I can't help but feel sad that I won't be ever be able to step back from work. Does anyone else ever sometimes wish they'd chosen someone more on "the same level" ambition-wise?

I will never have as much mindshare as he does. That helps me feel good as I worry my career will take me away from other things in life but he can take care of things for me while I focus on work. And if I truly wanted to step back, I believe he would help me find a way to do that.

Similar situation, but some different dynamics. I’m the primary breadwinner and make a lot more than my husband due to his original field - education. He left teaching for more flexible work to help with the kids and at home.

I enjoy being the breadwinner and never wanted to be a stay at home mom- way more work staying home in my opinion, but I will be honest and tell you that the role reversal has had a lot of challenges.

Even though we discussed the arrangement and agreed to division of labor, it has never really felt equitable and working from home during the pandemic made it worse. While my husband does make dinner most nights and does laundry, I don’t think our home is maintained to the standard I would keep it and many larger projects, like cleaning the garage, still get left to do together on the weekends, which I think he could work on when our kids are in school (kids are 11 and 8). I still carry the mental load of most schedule things and also take care of the bills. Clearly I need to set more boundaries. But, ultimately the issue is that while I love my career, my husband is fundamentally not a driven person. He’s happy with good enough and he’s accustomed to this lifestyle now. 15 years later I feel like he’s an amazing father, but most days I resent choosing a spouse that does not have the same ambition.

Just want to be real and share with you, it’s not always the rosiest outlook.

I don't regret it. I have a great partner. And honestly, I see it as if I really want equality, I need to also be ready to shoulder the same responsibility as men.

Married, making much more than hubby (always have, always will), no kids. We are both very ambitious and successful in our chosen fields. The difference is the field/profession. He is ambitious and an expert in his field - there is just a much different compensation structure than consulting. His compensation has nothing to do with his ambition. But I would suggest - both parties can be good at saving. We are both savers and financially responsible- regardless of income levels

I don’t think it’s fair to you or your husband to tell yourself the story that: I can never step back and it’s because of the partner I chose. That’s what I’m hearing in your post.

If you may want to step back in the future I believe you can! Just have to plan for that as a team.

That might mean: buying a house with a mortgage rate that’s low enough so that you can stay home with the kids and use savings to cover the portion that he can’t. Or buying a house with a mortgage rate that he can cover entirely.

If you want to take a step back I believe you can. But not without compromise and collaboration. I hesitate about the rabbit hole that comes with thinking “I wish I choose….”

My husband started making more $ than I did. My salary eventually surpassed his. I make about 30 percent more now. Sometimes i feel that he could have been more driven and passionate about his career. Other times, i appreciate the flexibility that his job offers. He is also doing more household chores, school pick up and drop off, and cooking while i am drowning in work.

I make more but I don't feel like annoyed at my husband's reduced interest in his career. His work is flexible and he does childcare and household work. Sometime I feel happy as to how life has changed for women like us. My mom was working as well but used to adjust to my dad's schedule. But now my husband does that for me. I am ok with this deal of having to work super hard at work but have a supporting husband who understands and put my career above his.

Not married, but I would imagine that there are trade offs. Also, as long as he treats you well I guess that’s better than out earning you. I almost went on a date with a dude who makes double what I do, but found out he’s a huge Andrew Tate fan… no thanks

I'm the breadwinner and my husband is a house husband. I love it - it works well for us, but certainly isn't for everyone.

My husband is retired and I have another 10 years at my current firm, plus whatever I decide to once I step away from my current role. He is part of the reason I can focus on my work because he takes on so much at home. While I love being a mom, being a SAHM would not have been a great situation for me. If you’re feeling resentful that you “have” to work, perhaps it would be helpful to think of it as you “get” to work - and so how do you create a career that provides you with as much satisfaction and flexibility as you need? Looking back over my life, I’m really grateful that I was able to maintain a career while also having a family. If I had just one or the other, I would not have been as happy.

I make more but I’m ok with it cause he had more assets then I did (equity, and investments) when we married

Also, it might not be the case that you can never step back from work. While you may be making a lot more, would it be possible that (eventually) you could live in his salary plus a portion of yours?
That said, I highly recommend staying at BCG at least through having kids because our benefits at stellar (at least in the US).

Mine is a stay at home dad. Works for us.

I make around $150k/year more than my husband. We already have a house, and are talking about him quitting his job to stay home to handle things around the house. I have no concerns; he’s got an awesome work ethic and I’m sure he’ll keep super busy taking care of things at home!

I make a bit more than my husband but it’s not a wild difference. I don’t know your personal situation but depending on what you really want, stepping back from your career probably could still be achieved, but you’d need to make other sacrifices… like a cheaper house, less fancy vacations, etc. Consider sketching out a few options for fundamentally different life setups that make these trade offs.

Random other comment… After having kids I 100% wanted to move from a 60 hour work week with regular travel to one that is 40 hours a week and very little travel. That was a huge game changer for me and more than worth trading off some money (and honestly, prestige). But becoming a full stay at home mom (if that is what you are contemplating) has its own set of challenges. My sister in law is one and recently stated it’s harder than being a working mom because she has no financial freedom and even paying for childcare to get some time to herself is difficult. 24/7 with babies and kids is honestly kind of brutal.

But all to say biggest advice is set yourself up so that you have optionality. For example, whatever conceptual house you are thinking of buying, ask yourselves can you get something cheaper to take the pressure off financially.

I’m the primary breadwinner and my husband is a SAHD to our toddler and we have another on the way. Similar to you - I do most of the saving and financial planning.

As some of the others have mentioned, you shouldn’t see the fact that your earning more / or your spouse earning less as a limiting factor, as things change in life and the situation could easily flip either way. It’s worth discussing together as a team on what your shared goals in life are and how to work together to achieve that.

We are now in our late 30s, been together 9 years, married for 6; and I’ve always outearned my husband since we started dating. We actually discussed me being the primary breadwinner and role of who would be the one taking care of the home and kids before getting married and we’re aligned that even though I earned more, we also wanted flexibility to be able to shift between roles if need be.

One way to do that was FIRE - defining and achieving a level of financial independence that would allow both of us to pursue future passions if we wanted. And the goal was to get there by 40; so that we also had the flexibility to spend time with our kids as well.

Am happy to report that we’re very close to hitting our financial targets, and that in about 1-2 years (just before we hit 40); I’ll be able to pull the plug and basically step back from work whenever I want. He can also choose whether or not he wants to go back into the workforce. Financially we’ve got enough saved and invested to last us for at least the next 10-20 years (or more) at our current spending for family with 1 kid and 1 on the way. Plus education for kids also covered. That’s assuming worst case neither of us work at all and that our assets don’t continue to grow.

In the meantime, he’s been an extremely supportive husband and amazing dad to our toddler. He’s much better with kids than I am; and whilst we don’t always agree on level of cleanliness; we’ve outsourced this to a weekly cleaner so that we can spend our time more meaningfully.

In the same boat, we don’t have kids yet because I’m scared that financially it’ll be tough if I can’t work at full force like I’m doing now, or if I need a longer break from work to recover after giving birth etc.

I make about $70k more than my husband. He has a Ph.D in his field, and is at the foremost location for his specialty, but the market rate for his work is just lower than consulting. Consulting is higher because it’s feast and famine work; he has a more stable position with better insurance and retirement, and I bring home the extra $ when consulting work is plentiful.

We have talked about me staying home, and we may do it some point soon. It’d just be a lifestyle adjustment. If you want it, you can make it work.

I don’t worry about it. We both work hard for what we have and give our time and energy to our kids when we are home. I don’t value my husband according to his salary.

Do you know how terrible men are? If this were my man problem, I’m living my dream. I outearn my husband 3x but at some point, it’s not realistic to expect him to keep up because I’m in such a niche market. We’re both pharm consultants but I’m hyper niche in a field that unpredictably boomed. I don’t consider myself more ambitious than him and unless your husband’s mind is idle more than yours is idle, I wouldn’t consider him less ambitious. I love making more money than my partner because as men know, you can call the shots in a different way, so I do. A lot of women with money act like women with money but I wield my money like a man in that, if he wants access to the lifestyle I afford us, very specific things have to be true. And it’s shitty but I like a power dynamic that gives me the power. He’s not a pushover but money talks in our house.

It is very nice to have a spouse that has a more flexible and more predictable work schedule with kids. It just so happens that in our car this is my husband. He does more of the doctors appointments, house admin work, and cleaning. I do however make my boundaries clear at work and moved to industry to make life sustainable for all of us.

The key here is that we value each other’s contributions even if they are not the same type. Just because he is not making most of the money does not mean that he doesn’t have a say in budget planning. Just because I don’t do a lot of a house admin work does not mean that I don’t get a say in how it is done, if I really care.