Married for 14 years with 5 kids. Since the start, my wife has had anger issues. She’s not violent, but will go on ‘anger benders’ for days where she cannot be kind to me, stonewalls, and even leaves. Sometimes this is based on a bad argument; most recently, it’s based in a story she conjured up and believes about me having an affair with my neighbor, even though it is 100% false and I’ve tried to show her that. Is this a sign of a personality disorder? Or something else? How can I support her?

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Read Walking on Eggshells. It talks about some of the symptoms you describe. I would talk it out with a therapist who has some education on personality disorders.

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A1 yes BPD insight and also methods for dealing with other challenging personalities. If only I can keep a cool head and respond like this every time. It’s a good exercise

I don’t understand a lot of the comments here being on “her” side, to me her behavior sounds unacceptable and she needs to see a therapist asap. However, you cannot force her, so for your own sake, you should start to see a therapist for yourself immediately to work though these issues and the impact it has on you.
My SO had some toned-down episodes of what you are describing and seeing a therapist has helped me tremendously to stop questioning myself and set boundaries in a healthy way which has improved our relationship even though she did not see a therapist (which would still be the better option).

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Why does she think you had an affair? Has she found signs

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A1 are you okay? What kind of crack are you smoking to come to that conclusion?

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Maybe find a good marriage workshop to go to? My hubby and I like to do them regularly. Since they are a regular/annual thing that we do it doesn't feel like anything out of the ordinary.

The last one we did talked about the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse and specifically stonewalling in that context. Perhaps doing something like that could be a good start to get the ball rolling?

Once the ball is rolling and you have a little momentum built up perhaps you could move to individual counseling.

Women fear abandonment most and your wife has a lot riding on you not abandoning her with 5 kids. I'm sure she felt super abandoned when you went to the game and didn't answer her 30 plus calls. Obviously this was reactionary on your part.

Men desire and need respect most (while women need love). My guess is your wife's lack of trust in you around the game ticket conversation caused you to feel disrespected in a way. This triggered your behavior towards her (ignoring calls ect) and made her feel abandoned.

Ya'll got to stop these cycles when one of you starts them. Right now it sounds like you might be in the better head space to do that?

Given if her fear of abandonment is completely irrational doing some therapy would be super important at the same time to help her recognize that.

Anyway - I'm pry missing a lot - just an outsider looking in. Marriage is my favorite and maintaining a happy marriage is my life ambition.

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We can all ways be better and it's super hard to be better when someone else ALWAYS seems to take the low road.

I just hope you don't let this harden your heart. Being in relationship with someone forever and playing the long game is super hard.

The only other thing I'd add is something Father Mike Schmitz says a lot. If someone hurts you go to counseling, if you hurt someone else go to confession. Not sure if you are Catholic (but given the 5 kids figure it's possible) but if you are, getting back into confession regularly could be another good step.

I need to do that too. I just had a baby and haven't figured out how to work it back in yet. I'll get there.

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