{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "May be joining the “SO and I broke up during COVID” club. \n\nWe’ve been together 5 years. It’s always been rocky because we’re such strong personalities but lately it’s just been getting more and more difficult. We’re at the point where we really need to decide whether it’s just better to part ways. \n\nWe had a really dumb fight last night but it feels like it may be the one that breaks the camels back. \n\nLiterally any tips would be appreciated— trying to pull myself together to get through work", "post_id": "5f75e4b69aab44001a5660ec", "reply_count": 49, "vote_count": 6, "bowl_id": "5e6fe1c31f5e51001d267e46", "bowl_name": "The Work-Life Bowl", "feed_type": "bowl" }

May be joining the “SO and I broke up during COVID” club. We’ve been together 5 years. It’s always been rocky because we’re such strong personalities but lately it’s just been getting more and more difficult. We’re at the point where we really need to decide whether it’s just better to part ways. We had a really dumb fight last night but it feels like it may be the one that breaks the camels back. Literally any tips would be appreciated— trying to pull myself together to get through work

like
Posting as :
works at
You are currently posting as works at
Highlighted IconHIGHLIGHTED

Something I heard recently in reference to fighting someone is do you want to be right or do you want to be kind? It's stayed with me, and it added in that half-second pause that I need so that I don't say something snippy about something dumb. At my worst, I'm an anxious know-it-all, but reminding myself to be kind even when I'm feeling at the edge has helped. It also reminded me of the idea that you can view your relationship as three in one: you, your SO, and your relationship (the "we"). Every piece deserves attention, but in moments of difficulty, it can be helpful to rely on the "we" and not just me. Also, I would really recommend one-on-one counseling in addition to couples counseling. It's nice having your own person, but then also to have the person that there for the relationship/we. I hope this all makes sense. My brain is having a hard time today too little sleep, too much coffee. :)

likehelpful

When I said being right, I meant I want to make sure I am holding the correct position more so than winning. In the realm of relationships it gets fuzzy because I agree with you that what is true can be subjective ("is action X a reasonable response to action Y"). I suppose a mentality that is most interested in finding the truth is, to me, the most important. In my relationship I've asked my girlfriend to give more feedback because I need to know when I'm wrong so that I can correct myself and "be right."

like

I just wanted to point out I think a lot of people underestimate the effect that work stress can have on our personal lives. My job was impacting me to the point I couldn’t have a relationship, fighting with SO all the time over stupid things, coming home and not wanting to talk about anything. When I finally quit my previous position, it was like night and day for my r/s. I was so much happier, more patient, had a lot more time to be loving. We went from the brink of divorce (about to get the paperwork) to both feeling like we’re in the best of marriages. I know this might be extreme, but if you decide your r/s is more important than this job, I recommend trying to find a new job. Not to say drop your career ambitions, but maybe find something with better work life balance or less job pressure. At a minimum, consider a sabbatical or some significant time off to be attuned to your real self, minus job. Not sure if it’ll definitely help, but this is exactly what worked for me. Good luck!

like
Recent IconRecent

Do you WANT to be together or just not want to be alone?

likehelpful

Assuming you are going, don’t settle. When it’s right the communication won’t be such a challenge.

like

I think you should bite the bullet and do the therapy - just so if you do decide to part ways you’ll know you gave it completely a hundred percent.

like

I was in a similar situation with my ex-fiancé. We were together for five years, engaged for two. I couldn’t bring myself to pull the trigger on getting married. We went to therapy and tried it all, until I finally pulled the trigger and moved out. 4 years later, we’re both happily married to other people. When we were together, I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that relationships are A LOT of work, all couples have communication issues, and that dreading your home life was a normal right of passage into adulthood. None of these things are true.

like

@Producer 1 - yes! Leaving a relationship you know isn’t right, even if it’s comfortable or “makes sense” is empowering. I didn’t realize how much it all had been weighing on me until after I left, but at that hotel I slept deeper than I had in years (unrelated to the 🍸)

like

If you need couples therapy before you’re even married what is the point

like

My ex and I went to therapy for a year while we were engaged. It helped me realize we should 100% break up. D1, I largely agree with you. Couples therapy did provide me with some good communication skills to bring into my next relationship though, so not a total waste of money 👌🏻

like

Member of that club here 🙋🏻‍♀️. I’m guessing you guys live together? What if you spend some time apart from one another? Maybe a week or two..could you or he stay with a parent or friend? Time apart may bring some clarity and perspective to your relationship, which is hard to come by if you’re just in each other’s space (mentally and physically) all the time. Five years is a long time, and you said you definitely want to be together, which is important. In my case, I knew I did not want to be with my SO, I just had to muster up the courage to end the relationship and deal with the resulting hurt, disappointment and frustration.

like

Damn 😔 Associate 1, good for you for being able to catch on to those things early. That sounded really frustrating and honestly kudos for sticking it out a year. In college I had a similar experience and literally blurted out to my then boyfriend that I wanted to break up out of no where during a South Park episode. I honestly didn’t even go through a mourning period I was so happy to be out! It’s a little different here. In so many ways were super compatible which is why we’ve been trying to make it work. I guess we’ll see how it goes. And Deloitte, I’m really sorry to hear that. It sucks when one person just makes the decision to end it. I’m glad you have a friend who is helping you through it. It can’t be easy 😔 I’m glad I’m in a city with lots of close friends, too. I imagine I’ll need them if shit goes south here

like

Early years should be EASY. Someone told me that when I was in my 20’s and I didn’t get it until I met my spouse. And it was easy. Not that we didn’t argue, but say by day my life was easier with them in it than not. Kids, mortgages, job loss, parental deaths, health issues....as you get older the partnership has to withstand so mush stress. If the base isn’t there in the easy times, if they make more drama, sadness, anger etc for you now, well, don’t expect it to suddenly get better when things get harder.

like

Question- did you get together in your early 20s and are now in your late 20s/30ish? People don’t realize it but we are still developing so much during that time. I was in a relationship like this and left, and while it was sad I feel much better on the other side. Sometimes we think we are with the right person and the timing is off, but I think if the timing is off or you aren’t in the right place to be in a relationship or that specific relationship then that’s all you really need to know. If you are meant to be in each other’s lives you will find your way back to one another. I will say that I think counseling can help significantly, alone and as a couple.

like

This, so much. I had a similar issue in my relationship to you OP (particularly, my SO taking my emotions more personally than was appropriate). And it’s frustrating because there’s a lot of cultural conditioning on both sides to where men and women often both expect women to be chipper, manic pixie dream/cool girl types and so normal human emotions are seen as “wrong” or a deliberate harm to the man in an opposite sex relationship. This of course can make it really hard for the woman (even someone who is very “type a” as it sounds like you and I both are) to take the needed space and ask for needed support to deal with emotions and issues. That’s compounded by the stigma against people (again esp women) asking for things directly. For us, what worked was a multi-pronged approach. I acknowledged and apologized whenever I crossed a line. But I also had a real talk with my partner about how I am going to be angry or frustrated or dealing with my anxiety disorder and that I’m not going to be able to just get rid of my emotions on the drop of the hat. So as long as I’m not taking it out on him (eg making mean comments, yelling, blaming him etc) it’s really on him to manage his own emotional reaction to the fact that I might have an unhappy expression, seem mopey, be using a more curt or strained tone of voice, etc. And we’ve also got into the practice of explicitly saying, “I’m feeling x right now and I’m going to need some time to process it.” If I or he needs space, we’ll say that. Or we’ll ask the other person what they need and do what we can to help them in securing that (even if it just means leaving the room sometimes).

helpfullike

Sorry you are going through this. Try to calm yourself and be as cordial to your SO as you would to a random houseguest. Let your SO know you feel bad about having a stupid fight and want to step back emotionally for a little but so you can focus on work and think about priorities. Wait a bit before re-engaging in the relationship discussion.

like

I will also say, in my experience, other people love to offer tips on staying together. The idea of breaking up isn’t pleasant for most people because it’s a disruption - so most will offer advice on how to make it (force it) to work. The beauty of this is you are not married, you don’t have kids - largely if you were to break up, the ripple effect outside of the two of you is minimal.

like

Went to couples therapy and main take away was why we were having dumb fights. Our therapist said we weren’t getting down to the core issues and nitpicking small fights. Now when we get frustrated and our fight seems dumb we ask each other if there is a deeper core issue. Saved our relationship

like

The right cookie won’t give you ingestion 🍪

Related Posts

Do you think the firm should introduce Covid leaves like other esteemes organizations?

My complexion and under eyes get very pigmented when I don’t sleep well. I have a wedding to go to in a few weeks and I know I should sleep more to look ok but I don’t. Any tips on looking healthy and getting some glow for brown skin? I used to get facials pre covid but can’t anymore.

like

While most teachers are protected by teacher unions, I feel my voice hasn’t been heard at all with my concerns of going back to school next week. Our diocese has decided on full return 5 days/ week for all 42 schools despite a recent increase in COVID in our communities. Every other school that I know of in my state is either choosing remote learning to start the year or a hybrid approach, yet that was not an option for us. Are other Catholic schools I. The same boat? Stay safe!

helpful

As an Asian American, have you experienced bias this year that you believe was related to coronavirus?

like

I feel like I'm the only teacher in my school who is concerned about covid. Am I alone?

like

Are there any investment funds hiring fundamental analysts right now? (Currently work at a long biased fund but was aiming to move over the next 12 months before covid)

like

Trans and in early stages, not ready to social transition. I used COVID to grow out my hair and start laser. Now that we are back to limited in person meetings, co-workers will notice the longer hair. And maybe the lesser facial hair. Anyone else in a similar spot? How are you handling?

like

Good Evening My Fellow Christian Educators! I realize it is going to be challenging for me this year...with so many of my students performing below grade level expectations in ELA and MATH and also ensuring that all students follow the COVID Guidelines in the classroom. I still feel hopeful that God will bless me with the knowledge on how to effectively impact each one of those kids. Let's remember to keep all educators lifted in prayer this year. Have a wonderful school year!! God Bless All❤️

likeuplifting

Are you still afraid of catching Covid?

like

For those who think the farmer's protest (against 5G, COVID vaccine, etc) was morphed

Post Photo
like

There's a lot of pressure from parents for us to return to in person instructionin my district despite rising COVID numbers. Is anyone else experiencing this?

like

Are covid cases increasing rapidly at your school, or is it just us?

likehelpful

Ladies, what are we all wearing now? What’s the silhouette that you want for the office? I was a skirt and stilettos gal pre-Covid, but I’m not sure I ever want to put on a skirt again (and stilettos are for sure out. I can still rock heels, but it’s going to be a chunk heel or a wedge). Wide legged pants? Skinny slacks? What is your professional wardrobe consisting of now?

like

Are covid cases increasing rapidly at your school, or is it just us?

like

Any ideas about relocation requirements for FAANG recruiting under COVID? Given that the current employees are wfh, they wouldn’t require new employees to move to the Bay ASAP?

like

It seems like each county/school district is responding to covid differently and the amount of pressure to return to normal varies. What's going on in your county?

like

It seems like each county/school district is responding to covid differently and the amount of pressure to return to normal varies. What's going on in your county?

like

What grade (A-F) would you give your state or district in their covid response?

like

There's a lot of pressure from parents for us to return to in person instructionin my district despite rising COVID numbers. Is anyone else experiencing this?

like

I feel like I'm the only teacher in my school who is concerned about covid. Am I alone?

like

Additional Posts

How does one get rid of an unwanted crush ? Looking for unconventional ways.

like

Do you think the firm should introduce Covid leaves like other esteemes organizations?

Hi Fishes, My interview is scheduled on Monday for azure data engineer profile. Experience 3 years. Any leads what type of questions they ask,any folks who has given interview recently please reply ASAP. Thanks in advance.

like

Looking to translation from SaaS software sales to client success/account management. Any ideas or thoughts on how to leverage and communicate a successful sales career into experience relating to CS? Open to referrals/networking as always. Thanks!

likehelpful

I had a bad dream last night that my sibling died, and I’ve come to the awful realization that as the youngest in my family, everyone will die before me and I will have to say goodbye to all of them at one point (hopefully late) in my life.

like

Just learnt that 95% of cheese available in supermarkets and used in food products like pizza is non-vegetarian. They contain animal rennet...I am back to using Amul cheese I guess.

like

Has anyone listened anything about ZoomRX?! Is a small consulting firm focused on market research (sales effectiveness and stuff like that). Any comment is highly appreciated!

like

Any bowl people work at Salesforce in a marketing role? Would love to ask some questions.

Anyone who has/ heard of fbookers who successfully switched roles and gotten a promotion (L3 to L4)? Context I am planning a switch from analyst to data scientist from a non US location to US. However, L4 is needed for this jump (prob due to visa issues). With the current revamp in PSC cycle, I am not sure if I can successfully get promoted by next year and make the jump. To do so, I heard there needs to be 2 EE (for this half and next half). YOE 5, BASE 100K

like
like

How and When do you find out you get promoted?

like

Auditor here about to be promoted to senior. I know I’m in the minority, but I actually don’t mind auditing and I want to do it for the foreseeable future and maybe become partner. My question is if someone wanted to be the best auditor they could be and wanted to be on the partner track, what steps should they take? Should I focus on building my technical knowledge, just keep trying to do well on my sections, try to network and be active in the office, or anything else you recommend.

like

Thank you Nadia for your insights. I’m frustrated gaps still exist in the industry; and the diversity & inclusion needle hasn’t move much since Al Sharpton protested on Madison Ave in the 90’s

like

Do you ever feel like you were a "diversity hire"? Have you ever thought your coworkers thought of you as such? This is an insecurity I battle all the time.

like

How can I get accelerator keys (alt controls) for PowerPoint mac ? I got the accelerator keys app for excel but doesn’t work on ppt.

like

Does anyone watch the BDO commercials with the “those that know, know” and just wish that they had Pusha T “if you know, you know” playing in the background? Or is it just me?

funnylike

Hello! Is anybody looking for a roommate? My cousin is looking to sign a June lease in Brooklyn for a 2bed/1bath or 2 bed/2 bath. She’s in her mid 20’s with good credit and is ready to make her move to NYC. Please DM if interested.

like

New to agency life (6 months) - how do I go about requesting to roll off my current account (that frankly is killing me)

likehelpful

Brain: just propose her, the worst she will say is No. She:

Post Photo
funnylike

Best city or cities/areas to visit in Germany? Place where I can have the most fun and enjoy the scenery?

like

New to Fishbowl?

Download the Fishbowl app to
unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.
Download Fishbowl to see what others are saying
That was just a preview…
Sign Up to see all discussions
  • Discover what it’s like to work at companies from real professionals
  • Get candid advice from people in your field in a safe space
  • Chat and network with other professionals in your field
Sign up in seconds to unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.

Already a user?
Login here

Share

Embed this post

Copy and paste embed code on your site

Preview

Download the Fishbowl app

Get realtime notifications and see
what's happening in your industry
from the palm of your hand.

For account settings, visit Fishbowl on Desktop Browser or

General

Legal