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9/22 Thread (General):
Additional Posts in The Work-Life Bowl
Alright who did this
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Something I heard recently in reference to fighting someone is do you want to be right or do you want to be kind?
It's stayed with me, and it added in that half-second pause that I need so that I don't say something snippy about something dumb. At my worst, I'm an anxious know-it-all, but reminding myself to be kind even when I'm feeling at the edge has helped. It also reminded me of the idea that you can view your relationship as three in one: you, your SO, and your relationship (the "we"). Every piece deserves attention, but in moments of difficulty, it can be helpful to rely on the "we" and not just me.
Also, I would really recommend one-on-one counseling in addition to couples counseling. It's nice having your own person, but then also to have the person that there for the relationship/we.
I hope this all makes sense. My brain is having a hard time today too little sleep, too much coffee. :)
When I said being right, I meant I want to make sure I am holding the correct position more so than winning. In the realm of relationships it gets fuzzy because I agree with you that what is true can be subjective ("is action X a reasonable response to action Y").
I suppose a mentality that is most interested in finding the truth is, to me, the most important. In my relationship I've asked my girlfriend to give more feedback because I need to know when I'm wrong so that I can correct myself and "be right."
Rising Star
I was in a similar situation with my ex-fiancé. We were together for five years, engaged for two. I couldn’t bring myself to pull the trigger on getting married. We went to therapy and tried it all, until I finally pulled the trigger and moved out. 4 years later, we’re both happily married to other people.
When we were together, I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that relationships are A LOT of work, all couples have communication issues, and that dreading your home life was a normal right of passage into adulthood. None of these things are true.
Rising Star
@Producer 1 - yes! Leaving a relationship you know isn’t right, even if it’s comfortable or “makes sense” is empowering. I didn’t realize how much it all had been weighing on me until after I left, but at that hotel I slept deeper than I had in years (unrelated to the 🍸)
Pro
Do you WANT to be together or just not want to be alone?
Assuming you are going, don’t settle. When it’s right the communication won’t be such a challenge.
I think you should bite the bullet and do the therapy - just so if you do decide to part ways you’ll know you gave it completely a hundred percent.
Rising Star
If you need couples therapy before you’re even married what is the point
Rising Star
My ex and I went to therapy for a year while we were engaged. It helped me realize we should 100% break up. D1, I largely agree with you. Couples therapy did provide me with some good communication skills to bring into my next relationship though, so not a total waste of money 👌🏻
Pro
Member of that club here 🙋🏻♀️. I’m guessing you guys live together? What if you spend some time apart from one another? Maybe a week or two..could you or he stay with a parent or friend? Time apart may bring some clarity and perspective to your relationship, which is hard to come by if you’re just in each other’s space (mentally and physically) all the time.
Five years is a long time, and you said you definitely want to be together, which is important. In my case, I knew I did not want to be with my SO, I just had to muster up the courage to end the relationship and deal with the resulting hurt, disappointment and frustration.
Rising Star
Damn 😔
Associate 1, good for you for being able to catch on to those things early. That sounded really frustrating and honestly kudos for sticking it out a year. In college I had a similar experience and literally blurted out to my then boyfriend that I wanted to break up out of no where during a South Park episode. I honestly didn’t even go through a mourning period I was so happy to be out! It’s a little different here. In so many ways were super compatible which is why we’ve been trying to make it work. I guess we’ll see how it goes.
And Deloitte, I’m really sorry to hear that. It sucks when one person just makes the decision to end it. I’m glad you have a friend who is helping you through it. It can’t be easy 😔 I’m glad I’m in a city with lots of close friends, too. I imagine I’ll need them if shit goes south here
Chief
Early years should be EASY. Someone told me that when I was in my 20’s and I didn’t get it until I met my spouse. And it was easy. Not that we didn’t argue, but say by day my life was easier with them in it than not.
Kids, mortgages, job loss, parental deaths, health issues....as you get older the partnership has to withstand so mush stress. If the base isn’t there in the easy times, if they make more drama, sadness, anger etc for you now, well, don’t expect it to suddenly get better when things get harder.
Rising Star
I just wanted to point out I think a lot of people underestimate the effect that work stress can have on our personal lives. My job was impacting me to the point I couldn’t have a relationship, fighting with SO all the time over stupid things, coming home and not wanting to talk about anything. When I finally quit my previous position, it was like night and day for my r/s. I was so much happier, more patient, had a lot more time to be loving. We went from the brink of divorce (about to get the paperwork) to both feeling like we’re in the best of marriages.
I know this might be extreme, but if you decide your r/s is more important than this job, I recommend trying to find a new job. Not to say drop your career ambitions, but maybe find something with better work life balance or less job pressure. At a minimum, consider a sabbatical or some significant time off to be attuned to your real self, minus job. Not sure if it’ll definitely help, but this is exactly what worked for me. Good luck!
Question- did you get together in your early 20s and are now in your late 20s/30ish? People don’t realize it but we are still developing so much during that time. I was in a relationship like this and left, and while it was sad I feel much better on the other side. Sometimes we think we are with the right person and the timing is off, but I think if the timing is off or you aren’t in the right place to be in a relationship or that specific relationship then that’s all you really need to know. If you are meant to be in each other’s lives you will find your way back to one another. I will say that I think counseling can help significantly, alone and as a couple.
Enthusiast
This, so much. I had a similar issue in my relationship to you OP (particularly, my SO taking my emotions more personally than was appropriate). And it’s frustrating because there’s a lot of cultural conditioning on both sides to where men and women often both expect women to be chipper, manic pixie dream/cool girl types and so normal human emotions are seen as “wrong” or a deliberate harm to the man in an opposite sex relationship. This of course can make it really hard for the woman (even someone who is very “type a” as it sounds like you and I both are) to take the needed space and ask for needed support to deal with emotions and issues. That’s compounded by the stigma against people (again esp women) asking for things directly.
For us, what worked was a multi-pronged approach. I acknowledged and apologized whenever I crossed a line. But I also had a real talk with my partner about how I am going to be angry or frustrated or dealing with my anxiety disorder and that I’m not going to be able to just get rid of my emotions on the drop of the hat. So as long as I’m not taking it out on him (eg making mean comments, yelling, blaming him etc) it’s really on him to manage his own emotional reaction to the fact that I might have an unhappy expression, seem mopey, be using a more curt or strained tone of voice, etc. And we’ve also got into the practice of explicitly saying, “I’m feeling x right now and I’m going to need some time to process it.” If I or he needs space, we’ll say that. Or we’ll ask the other person what they need and do what we can to help them in securing that (even if it just means leaving the room sometimes).
Sorry you are going through this. Try to calm yourself and be as cordial to your SO as you would to a random houseguest. Let your SO know you feel bad about having a stupid fight and want to step back emotionally for a little but so you can focus on work and think about priorities. Wait a bit before re-engaging in the relationship discussion.
Rising Star
I will also say, in my experience, other people love to offer tips on staying together. The idea of breaking up isn’t pleasant for most people because it’s a disruption - so most will offer advice on how to make it (force it) to work. The beauty of this is you are not married, you don’t have kids - largely if you were to break up, the ripple effect outside of the two of you is minimal.
Went to couples therapy and main take away was why we were having dumb fights. Our therapist said we weren’t getting down to the core issues and nitpicking small fights. Now when we get frustrated and our fight seems dumb we ask each other if there is a deeper core issue. Saved our relationship
Rising Star
The right cookie won’t give you ingestion 🍪