Me and my wife moved to US in the last few years and recently had a baby. Both of us work in relatively stressful jobs. I am having conflicts with her on how to raise kids - my wife and mil don’t see daycare or nanny as viable options, and want to rely on grandparents from both sides to help with the same. They haven’t seen too many cases of children going to daycare in India in their family.
Who else has faced this issue, and any thoughts on resolving the same? This is causing a strain b/w us.

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I had similar conflicts with my wife who did not want to entertain the idea of daycare till my son was 2. Inlaws will impose their idea of upbringing given the slightest chance. Quite frankly some things have not changed and I see merit in some of their ideas, but what I realized was they were using 1 formula fits all kids which has been passed down from their mother's or inlaws. It doesn't work. My mom wanted to stuff my son with food everytime he got fussy she swayed him to put him to sleep, my son hated it but she would continue despite me telling her he prefers back rubs to go to sleep.
1. You have a greater say than your mother in law when it comes to the upbringing of your child
2. Go tour a daycare with your wife....I had to force mine ( when we did she wanted to enroll my son at first daycare we visited )
3. They have dedicated professionals that are keeping your kids safe and engaging them in developmental activities that I gaurebtee that your mom or mother inlaw or even you and your wife can't possibly engage your kids at that level.
4. Most importantly, kids learn routines and social behaviours early on because they are among other kids their age. ( think about the feeling you had growing up when if you had to spend all your time with your parents and were not allowed to go to the park and play with other kids....do you think it's different for kids) they need interaction with other kids their age.

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Also what pwc 1 said about early immunity. Also now we are expecting a second one and my wife wants to start this one at a daycare at 5 months.

You will have to end up enrolling in a day care or hire a nanny. However, evenings will still be stressful once the child comes back home.

Do you guys ever think about moving back to home country? With years of experience in the US, you should be able to grab high paying jobs. Life is much easier there.

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And in India one can have a full time help to care for baby at very nominal cost

If you have a bigger home, can tolerate both set of parents for extended periods, this seems an awesome option to call them over for 6 months at a time. Kids may still go to daycare for becoming social, learning a few things for a few hours in a day. I have two kids that age and we both work. We didn’t have the luxury to call parents over so we have been sending them to daycare (pre-covid) and believe me it was more expensive than my tuition at an elite US college.

You will have to sit down with your SO and talk it through. Hear her concerns, share yours and arrive at an answer. There is no absolutely right or wrong answer, only what works for your family.

Personally my SO and I chose to send our kid to daycare coz there is a lot of learning that happens there that we cannot provide at home. Interacting with peers, variety of playtime, learning social conventions, etc. In fact it so turned out that the teacher noticed some behaviors that resulted in getting our kid assessed and turns out she is on the autism spectrum. She is so high functioning that we would have 100% missed those cues. Another datapoint - my niece did not go to daycare and when she started school, she found it really difficult to adjust to school since ALL her peers were used to school settings from daycare/preschool days and she caught every single illness that her peers did or didn’t catch (this will happen either in daycare or in school, but in school the kid was already struggling socially and frequent illness didn’t help her case).

All this not to say this is the right answer, just sharing the datapoint we considered in deciding whether or not to send our kid to daycare. Your choice will be driven by your family’s needs.

Tour a daycare and try it out for a couple of months

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