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I’m no medical expert and I don’t want to pretend to be. I also have no knowledge on BPD, but as someone who has gone through her fair share of therapy for codependency issues thanks to a toxic 12 year narcissistic abusive relationship, my advice would be that you are abandoning yourself by staying. You don’t honor the gift that is you by clinging to the pain in fear of being alone beyond this relationship. I was terrified that I was nothing if I wasn’t good enough to change this person or good enough for this person. But I have proven myself wrong one I was fed up with the abuse. He almost took my life. I completely isolated myself under this person, and became a shell of a woman to please him even though he sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused me. One day, I finally snapped out of my brainwashing and decided that I was going to be myself again. I was going to work through those codependency issues that was caused by the physical abandonment of my father and the emotional abandonment of my mother. I hope that you can find your peace and can be safe. I complete empathize with your situation and I hear and understand you. You are not alone.
I am happy that you are taking an approach to provide some healing for you. I know everyone’s situation is different and I ultimately advocate for peoples’ wellbeing because it is so important. You will always have me on your side if you’d like to talk 🙏🏼 Thank you for allowing me to share my experience and my peace.
You acknowledge you are in a long term toxic relationship. What is preventing you from ending it?
No I don’t know the feeling of BDP. I have the opposite experience, I am hyper independent which is really a response to childhood trauma and have trouble relying on anyone by myself. I have however watched my sister get stuck in an abusive relationship. Watched her go back & forth for years. I know it takes an average of 7 times to leave. It’s good you can acknowledge it. You’ve gotten past that step. Who in your life can support you through this process? Parent? Sibling? Therapist? A big part of feeling secure enough to leave is having a plan for what you’ll do after.
What do you hope to gain in from this bowl when you refuse to leave him?
Just venting out/sharing
I bet you your anxiety will magically go away when you leave this man and focus on loving yourself
BPD is rough. I'm so happy that you initiated CBT for yourself. Fears of abandonment are part of BPD (abandonment depression) and difficult to deal with... without support. With that said, please remember that when someone (anyone) close to you disrespects you and chronically treats you badly, they already abandoned you (not physically but emotionally). Good luck. You are on the right path. *Do not take your SO disrespect and bad treatment towards you as a reflection of you or your self-worth. The problem is with your SO.
I can’t recommend the book “The Human Magnet Syndrome” enough. It saved my life and helped me end a decade-long on-again off-again toxic relationship with a narcissist.
If you’re not already in therapy, please seek someone to talk to!