{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "MIL from india staying with us for 6 months and trying to control every step in my life. tells me to make x dish for kids school lunch box, tells what shirt my kid should wear, etc etc. it came to the extend tonight that she made dinner for all except me and told me that when I eat after the kids go to bed I should eat from the plate that my kid ate on to reduce the amount of dishes we do. My husband is a very good person but oblivious to this. How do I make him awake of this without blaming?", "post_id": "62f4544078ee3900237b0f91", "reply_count": 48, "vote_count": 10, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting", "feed_type": "bowl" }

MIL from india staying with us for 6 months and trying to control every step in my life. tells me to make x dish for kids school lunch box, tells what shirt my kid should wear, etc etc. it came to the extend tonight that she made dinner for all except me and told me that when I eat after the kids go to bed I should eat from the plate that my kid ate on to reduce the amount of dishes we do. My husband is a very good person but oblivious to this. How do I make him awake of this without blaming?

likehelpful
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It is culturally common and makes logical sense for longer stays (in general). But the issue here is that this person seems toxic and therefore, any amount of time spent with her is toxic for you and your family. Talk to your husband and let him know he needs to either be more aware of things happening at home and since MIL is his parent, he needs to deal with issues in the moment. Or he can visit her/get her an Airbnb for a shorter duration if the first solution is hard. Don’t feel uncomfortable and “othered” in your own home, nip it now so it doesn’t become an even bigger issue. I’m a first gen from India, so I understand the cultural issues very well. But, your personal comfort and your priorities in your own home trump cultural issues.

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OP, this is just...pure bullying. And bullies, unfortunately, understand only one kind of language. They will leave you alone ONLY if you push back.
Your husband is not likely to help you. It's on you to take your life back.
Don't argue with MIL. She will never learn boundarties at this age.
Agree with everything she says and do your own thing. She tells you to do something - smile, nod, and do what you think is best.

likehelpful

Omg PM1 is my hero

likefunny

😳😳 I have no advice except sending her back to India. Or literally tell her that in your house you make the rules, and if she gets offended she can go back to her home.

likesmart

I am south Asian. This is unacceptable. What’s more unacceptable is your husband not standing up for you. Is he aware these things are happening? If so and he doesn’t do anything. Then sorry you married someone who will give you trouble the rest of your life.
I would run if I were you. If he does stick up for you and your MiL doesn’t listen. Then you and he should be on the same page that 6 months is not acceptable. South Asian men are too molly coddled, like the way their mothers treat them,
So rarely stand up for their wives. And it’s worse for successful independent wives who make enough money to fare for themselves. My dad is like this as is my brother. It’s infuriating. Your mother in law will not change, but if your husband prioritizes her needs over yours and tries to keep her happy over you - I would 100-% get a divorce. Might seem harsh but this patriarchy shit that has been normalized in South Asia is infuriating and unacceptable. oP the fact you’re on this thread means you’re already a successful badass woman. Do not. I repeat do NOT, let backward cultural norms dictate your day to day.

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You don’t have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. Talk to your husband and make it clear he needs to step up. He’s not an idiot he can’t see you didn’t eat dinner, make him pay attention

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6 months?!?!?!
Don’t mean to be culturally insensitive, but in what universe any of that is normal in year 2022?

likefunny

@OP are you Indian?

Don’t give her food and tell her to eat using your husband’s dish.

likefunny

Take her plate lol

funnylike

Push back and also, talk to your spouse. When she picks your kid’s outfit, tell her you’re trying to teach your kid to make their own choices and honoring them. Or just say, no, my kid is fine.
Tell her no thanks! I want my own plate and I’ll wash it but I prefer it that way.
You have to push back!

likesmart

My mother-in-law was this way when my kids were born. It was impossible for me to stay at home with her so I would literally put the kids down for a nap and drive around aimlessly to catch a break. My husband was obviously unaware or chose not to see it. I called him out on it and listed everything that was being said and done to me. I have to say that he seemed mad at me for complaining about his mom instead of being upset at her. Anyway, things turned around only when I stood up for myself. I know it is hard to do in Indian households because we have been trained to keep the peace.

likehelpful

My MIL is moving in with us in a few months. I told my hubby straight up, if I have no space no one in the house will have peace either. I’m vengeful and he knows it lol

likefunnysmart

The control is beyond imagination that she tracks my shower schedule and says that it’s been a week since you washed your hair 😂🤦‍♀️. I feel like running away every second and looking forward to my work trips

likefunny

Make her do the chores she wants to or your husband. I have a zero tolerance policy - meaning I am not going to inconvenience myself to make her happy. Her son can do that - make her favorite dish, do extra dishes and so on. My husband obviously thinks it is a little insensitive of me but over years i have seen friends, sister doing so much when their mil comes and yet no-one is still happy. So might as well live my life conveniently and make them unhappy which they anyways will be.

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Love this!

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As an American, I would absolutely not stand for this treatment. We are all strong, smart and independent women before even bringing kids to the conversation. Your MIL should not be running your household. I can only encourage you to push back and stand up for yourself. Tell her no. Fix dinner on as many plates as you want. But this all could mean nothing if you chose to enable (outdated) cultural norms.

Break the pattern!

likehelpful

In SITC, charlotte’s mil walked on her and her husband (the mil’s son having sex). Not saying you should do that but it’s an idea.

funnylike

So she made JUST enough food and divided it equally among everyone but you? Lol, I just want to make sure I understand before I give my opinion

likefunny

Uh there are microwaves. She can still cook and you can re heat it for hot food. Damn these unnecessarily over smart women who can kit be helpful and nice to their daughters in law. 🙄

Omg I feel for you OP! Me and my husband are Indian too. But all of this just sounds ridiculous! You need to tell your husband how you feel and it's his job to calm his mother down and tell her to stop acting ridiculous (in nicer words). And yes maybe we're asian and this is part of the culture or whatever, but 6 months is a long time!

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Why don’t you put boundaries and set her in her place? If someone spoke to me like that in my house I would say “If you speak to me like that again, I will pack your bags”. I would also address her rude behave every single time and say “I’m not going to stand for being disrespected in my own house”…”If I need your advice I’ll ask for it”…”you’re being rude”.

State boundary+consequence. And to your husband repeat that, plus how you feel. And you can also add “Going forward, I expect you to say something or at least back me up…if not, this is the last time I will be in this house while she’s here”.

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D5, yeah I agree. I think a multi-pronged approach is warranted and coming across as really aggressive to the mother with the husband could back fire. A bit of empathy (even pretend) from OP while setting strong boundaries with her and the husband might go over better.

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I would do whatever I want to do, and tell her to get out of my house.

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I am an Indian too. My husband (an only child) has made it super clear to his mum that he will pack her bags and drop her to the airport if she messes with me. We can kiss, cuddle and do whatever we want. She is fed well when she visits and should not interfere in our lives. It helped.

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She has no right to bully you in your house. She needs to go home.

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