{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Mom Guilt\n\nI think I just need to vent.\n\nLast week, I had a partner throw me on something last minute and I was not able to work on my own assignments as I originally planned. In the end, I only had like 30 minutes to blaze through an assignment before I had to run out to pick my toddler up from daycare. I got there at exactly 6pm and she was the only baby who had not been picked up. It was so heartbreaking to see her sitting there, sad, waiting for me. I had to stop myself from crying…", "post_id": "61ae6d9bd89016002d40228c", "reply_count": 31, "vote_count": 28, "bowl_id": "5da60c126e5f0d001f32f497", "bowl_name": "Women in Law" }

Mom Guilt I think I just need to vent. Last week, I had a partner throw me on something last minute and I was not able to work on my own assignments as I originally planned. In the end, I only had like 30 minutes to blaze through an assignment before I had to run out to pick my toddler up from daycare. I got there at exactly 6pm and she was the only baby who had not been picked up. It was so heartbreaking to see her sitting there, sad, waiting for me. I had to stop myself from crying…

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Again … know you are not alone. As my kids grew up I made an effort to be transparent about times I was going to be busy at work or we brainstormed together strategies for juggling lots of priorities. As they got older I included them in planning for a busy week so they had visibility into days when we knew they might be the “last man standing” at aftercare. We talked about how to use that time for homework etc. my daughter at 15 now thinks I have superpowers (unless I was extra late to pick her up that day) and tells everyone how proud she is of her super busy often distracted mom. My son a little less understanding but still forgiving particularly when he knows ahead of time. My other advice is start looking for a job with lots of other working parents or with flexible, forgiving hours. No need to jump today but as your kids get older there are more and more scheduling nightmares!

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Not a lawyer but I am a mom of two little girls and work 60 hour weeks regularly so I relate to what you’re saying immensely. I don’t have huge law school loans and we live way beneath our means in other ways so that I am able to budget for an amazing part time nanny that I consider practically an extension of me. If you’re willing to pay more than you would your run of the mill babysitter, you can find an amazing person who helps to alleviate some of that mom guilt. Ours was a nurse for many years and we found her through a recommendation from my postpartum doula. She helps with errands, groceries, light tidying and loves my kids like they are her own and I freaking love her too - I’m always hearing her on our Nanit telling the toddler when she asks for me “mommy is working so hard right now, you have the best mommy ever” and other things that are a salve for the soul. She’s worth every pinched penny.

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Aww mamá sounds like your projecting a bit. I’m sure your baby was just so excited to see you ! Not thinking hey where’s my Mom. Someone’s gotta be the last baby picked up and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom! Try not to beat yourself up! It happens to us all. If you were 30 min later than normal, try leaving 30 min early one day to make up some extra quality time 🥰

likehelpfuluplifting

My mom would get distracted at work and would often forget to pick me up in elementary school. I'd be the last kid and would have to go to the office to call her to come get me. No hate or resentment. We'd joke about it then and we still joke about it now.

likehelpful

My mom stayed home but my dad (who worked the equivalent of 2 1/2 full time jobs) would sometimes pick us up and was *always* late because he took one last phone call (this was pre cell phones) or tried to get one last thing done before coming to get us. At the time, it made me so anxious (I was and am a worrier) but I agree with you, now I just find it funny. OP, I’m 48 and my kids are 14 and 11. I’ve been in boutique, global, and national law for 20+ years. You had a bad day; it happens. Be kind to yourself. You’ve got this.

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…To make matters worse, I got feedback from a senior associate that the other assignment that I submitted shortly after was riddled with typos and minor edits. I sent it over the weekend, and after literally feeling like a shit parent the day before, I decided that I wasn’t going to pick work over my kid that day. I have never gotten this feedback before so now I just feel even worse. Does anyone else feel like a terrible parent because of their job and a terrible associate because they’re a parent? How do you deal with the hard days?

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Yep. 100%. That’s why I’ve recently decided to leave BigLaw and its BS. I’m done constantly prioritizing my job over my kid and my health. Yes, sometimes you have to prioritize the work, but it shouldn’t be always.

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At least you remember to pick your kid up. There were multiple times my mom was supposed to pick me up after school and forgot 😂

likefunny

Corporate associate daughter of a woman corporate partner. Can confirm that my mom forgot to pick me up from stuff more times than I can count and we turned out just fine and are very close. I just have a lottttt more empathy now as a corporate lawyer myself 😅

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For what it’s worth, it’s ridiculous that school/childcare scheduling doesn’t track closer to the working schedules of parents. This is an across the board failure of society as a whole and not in the slightest a reflection on you. Sounds like you’re doing great!

likesmart

My mom was late picking me up from things so many times when I was growing up. I feel no resentment because of it.

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Just wanted to chime in and say your kid will probably appreciate your career one day! My mother was a stay at home mom and I could always tell as a kid that she was intellectually unstimulated; she was so happy when she went back to work years later. I know you’re feeling like not a great associate now, but that can’t be true if this is the first time you’ve gotten that feedback!

likehelpful

My mother was a working lawyer mom. She often times missed things for work. All I feel about it today is how lucky I am to have a mother who worked tirelessly to create an amazing life for me. She is the hardest working person I know and I strive to be like her every single day. And now I work tirelessly to help her retire lol (about to take the bar and hopefully become a lawyer)!

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Go you!

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I was always the last kid picked up or the first one dropped off early. Never resented my parents for it and still have a great relationship with them. You just do your best, don’t let work destroy you, and the kiddos will love you and understand. Promise!

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My baby is always the last picked up and I feel the same way. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to handle this profession.

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It’s so hard. I love my job. I worked so hard to get here. But these days are tough.

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This is exactly why I’m quitting. Appreciate the other posts in solidarity here, but I personally really resent the suggestions like “hire more help” - that doesn’t reduce mom guilt, it makes it worse, particularly with us moms who want to be more present. I don’t want to outsource my parenting. Know that you can choose your family over work (whether it’s one day or with a different job or no job) and not be a failure.

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Love this. All the best to you!!💗

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I appreciate all of your responses. Thanks everyone for the kind words and encouragement 🥰

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I feel mom guilt all the time. And love my job. This is so hard. Hang in there.

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Solidarity, sister. It’s tough. No advice, just know you’re not alone.

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Mom guilt, job guilt, wife guilt, friend guilt, self-care guilt, family guilt, guilt because you can’t seem to squeeze in the one charity project you swore you’d help with…it’s just hard. Wish I could help, but all I’ve got is solidarity.

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We’ve all been there. Do you have a partner you can swap out pick ups with? Or get a sitter a couple of times a week to pick up and take her home earlier?

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Yeah, and he normally picks her up from daycare, but he forgot the car seat that day so I had to pick her up. I do appreciate the sitter idea though.

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Just know, you're not alone ❤

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Mom guilt is very real. I felt it acutely when my kids were babies and I was working at Big Law. For me, the answer was to step away from the law and work part time from home while my kids were babies and toddlers. Once my youngest was in first grade I ended up going back to a midsized law firm which was a great fit for me. I still have mom guilt but found a firm that allows a more flexible part time schedule and that has made a world of difference for both me and my kids. Hang in there!

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