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How do you plan to care for yourself this week?
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I got an offer from infosys. In the onboarding app, do we need to fill Bank details before joining? The reason why I am asking is because they are asking for icici acc only & I don't have that. Any one who recently joined infosys kindly help. Infosys
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I’m 7mo pregnant, can’t move easily, can’t walk quickly, get tired faster and honestly don’t have the patience to remind him to throw his trash away. We recently moved from an apartment to a townhome with a yard to make taking care of our 2 dogs easier and I just learned he expected to never need to walk them again. They are high energy dogs and when they are antsy, they come to me. I feel we should split the activity, he feels they should be able to entertain themselves.
He made a comment tonight about doing whatever to manage my stress levels and it felt rude - I’m stressed because I’m the sole breadwinner, because I’m 7mo pregnant and we haven’t found childcare because he wanted to move to a new neighborhood first, because I have to fight with him to get the dogs to stop following me, because if I don’t plan the meal and prompt him, he’ll make a bowl of cereal for dinner and call it a day, because I to have to make Honey Do lists and ‘nag’ to have a semi decent living space.
Venting but really hoping to hear some strategies that worked for others. Obviously I’ll talk to him about it. I really do appreciate him for all he does do, so don’t want him to feel attacked on the small stuff but also know doing this with no sleep once baby arrives is setting us up for failure and resentment. If we had the extra cash, I’d outsource dog walking and cleaning, even spring for meal kits, but we aren’t there yet.
I’ll to clarify, I wasn’t saying make a list daily and weekly. I meant make two lists - one of general weekly chores and the other of daily chores.
And yes. I was truly unaware.
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Plan the week’s tasks in advance with him and spilt chores / assign owners. Otherwise the someone is always expecting the other person to do the work.
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I would just mentally prepare that things aren’t going to get better when the baby arrives. In fact, having a child will magnify these issues. In my opinion talks don’t work. My husband, while better, still doesn’t understand he’s not help but my partner and we’re about to have our 3rd child. I had to pick and choose and focus on very specific things I needed him to take over being mindful that it would likely not get done correctly and couldn’t be time sensitive. Some will disagree with this approach but I had to protect my peace and everybody doesn’t want a divorce. Good luck!
Fair play. Therapy. I started having panic attacks a few weeks ago in my 7th month bc I can’t ask him to goddamn take care of anything without it being a 4 time ask, then frustrated, then angry. Mental load is 100% on me and it isn’t fair that he says he needs space but I get no space in the relationship bc it’s all on me to be a functional household + now I’m physically in agony daily and I’m just losing it. Spoke to his therapist who made me feel so heard and he’s whipping him into shape. When I tried to explain the concept of ‘mental load’ to my husband, he said I should consider working on my anxiety. He is just so clueless and his mom enabled him his entire life. My bad for thinking we were further than this and feeling safe to get pregnant.
Sharing this to show support and understanding.
Get the book Fair Play and maybe get someone who will advocate for you to whip your husband into shape enough for you to feel supported doing postpartum and hopefully continuing on.
What you’re feeling is horrible and it’s unfair that he is putting you in this position. I’m really sorry and wish you the best of luck, truly.
I can ask him? He’s actually a psychologist who deals with OCD and marriage stuff based in NY. He doesn’t take insurance and is $350 for 45 min session.
My husband and I did premarital counseling but the therapist wasn’t the best fit for my husband. This guy speaks my husbands language very well because of similar backgrounds, which is why it has been such a successful fit. It is a unique situation that I am very grateful and fortunate to be able to have.
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Honestly, if you are the sole breadwinner, I’d set some expectations about what you expect until he is earning a full-time salary.
Tell him you want the dogs walked every day, dinner on the table, and a generally clean house. Walk through it with him - and be open to hearing what he expects too. You might need to compromise a bit. Offer to help sometimes (like maybe meal planning, or cooking 2 dinners a week) - and don’t make the conversation an attack, but more of a discussion about what the house needs to run smoothly, and who is going to do what.
Tell him that when he works full-time, you both can rediscuss - because at that point, you won’t be the sole breadwinner and it will need to be a more even split. IMO, even if he isn’t working full-time, it’s important for you to offer to do some of the work - but you shouldn’t take on all of it.
There are ways you can make it easier too. Before you grocery shop, sit down together and plan for dinners. Tell him what you’d be in the mood for, and help him make a plan to avoid the cereal for dinner conundrum. Let him pick out a few things too - and give him some easy choices (the occasional freezer meal doesn’t hurt anyone!).
Thanks all, I like the tips for going at it together with a weekly plan and will give that a go. Wish me luck!
I started ordering food boxes, like everyplate. It’s $45 for 3 meals and the only meal planning you need to do is pick the recipes you like. I told my husband if he ever wants to do something different, he’s responsible for planning everything and grocery shopping. We have maybe one week a year that we don’t get a box.
You mentioned above that you are the sole breadwinner? Does your partner not work then?
Part time but commission based and unreliable. He’s gone back to school online and has a couple really good job prospects but neither would start until the new year, best case.
You mentioned above that you are the sole breadwinner? Does your partner not work then?
You need to sit down and tell him what you need and why, very directly. My husband didn't realize things were so one sided? No idea how but he didn't. Things will only get worse once that any is here and you'll probably have to have the talk again.
I absolutely refuse to make lists for my husband because I'm not his mom. (Some) men need to open their eyes and take a look around and see what needs to be done and do it!
I think you should get a couples therapist now. It’s going to be easier to communicate these things with a third party and you’ll only feel more resentment when the baby comes. I let this go on too long in my relationship and it’s been hard to come back from.
Your mental load when you have kids will increase exponentially. There are sooo many things to research, plan, coordinate etc. He needs to share the mental work, not just the physical housework. If you’re the only one planning, he’s not doing that.
Contact Postpartum Support International. They’re a fantastic resource who can help you find someone in your area who is experienced in helping couples navigate the transition to having kids.
I also found this article helpful in explaining to my partner what I was talking about: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/21/parenting/women-gender-gap-domestic-work.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare