{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Moms help me. I'm resentful that I got pregnant and now stuck dealing with the exhaustion of a newborn and recovery. My soul mate Hubby wanted kids, not me, but since it was \"something he couldn't live without\" I agreed since I was on the fence. He's super helpful and we have family to help out, which is more than most moms. But the exhaustion and PP depression is making me resent my decision and him. Baby is perfect, a regular healthy full term joy. \nI'm so blessed. But so miserable. Help.", "post_id": "60ff5e05d858d400267cefda", "reply_count": 55, "vote_count": 13, "bowl_id": "58f81646ae9f610010f869be", "bowl_name": "Consulting Moms" }

Moms help me. I'm resentful that I got pregnant and now stuck dealing with the exhaustion of a newborn and recovery. My soul mate Hubby wanted kids, not me, but since it was "something he couldn't live without" I agreed since I was on the fence. He's super helpful and we have family to help out, which is more than most moms. But the exhaustion and PP depression is making me resent my decision and him. Baby is perfect, a regular healthy full term joy. I'm so blessed. But so miserable. Help.

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I hated the first 4 months of having a baby (and the 9 months of being pregnant) and I was dying to have a baby, so I think this is pretty normal to feel terrible after We are now getting into the swing of things (at 1 year), like dropping the baby off at grandparents for the weekend, getting a babysitter, we have a nanny, we’re taking a trip to Europe this summer without the baby, and we also have now travelled with the baby. The baby is also sooooo cute and fun now with a personality Instagram makes you think this is way way way way way easier and more natural than it is. But you will get there into a version of yourselves that you still love once things settle down a bit Also, check out PPA/PPD specialized therapists. Highly highly recommend, I have PPA and it sucks

likeuplifting

I was the one in the relationship who wanted kids at some point, but the timing was a total surprise. Stress of work didn’t help. It is really hard the first few months / years no matter how you cut it … but by 2 yr old it was so amazing to me what this once-upon-a-time baby is capable of and he’s just a joy and love of my life. Still tiring but it does get better. We’re going to have another and again, I wanted that, but now I’m remembering the exhaustion and anxiety of the newborn phase and wonder if it’s a terrible mistake. People without kids just don’t get it and it’s hard to stay good friends with them after kids, honestly. My priorities totally changed and I now willingly choose to skip adult adventures to just to play with this smart, kind, and funny boy.

uplifting
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Those first few months sucks. It's not magical at all. Or at least not to me and I really really wanted this baby. You aren't alone. The hormones, the Ppd, all work against you and I was super resentful of my super supportive husband too. I definitely wasn't ready to say goodbye to my old life. I'm still struggling to embrace this new life.

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My husband is a saint and I occasionally hate him and his useless nipples.

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Suggest a therapist ASAP. Nothing to be ashamed about and totally normal but can help you start thinking through this stuff in a more positive and productive way.

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PPD is brutal, and extraordinarily common. Agreed, even if not diagnosable PPD, talking to someone helps a lot. I waited until I was 6 month PP and it took a lot to dig out of that hole. (Better now 2 y PP with a great therapist.)

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Also maybe book a trip! Sounds like travel is important to you and in my opinion it’s easiest with an immobile baby so < 9 months or so. We took my youngest to Japan at 15 months and while it was challenging it was still so amazing for all of us. You don’t have to say goodbye to your old life, just make some adjustments. You got this!

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Agree with this! Easier to travel when they sleep anywhere and everywhere.

Same. My daughter is now 6 and I still crave more sleep. That said I had terrible PP depression - getting medication helped a lot - I felt less overwhelmed and was able to enjoy the moment. One of my biggest beefs with mom culture is the lack of transparency on the experience. There is a lot of whining about the tasks - but not about the emotional isolation that comes with it. Breastfeeding- having little hands on you 24/7 is difficult - it’s not easy and you don’t have to if you don’t want to - fuck the system. I ask you to start being selfish - get meds - workout - go for a walk - shower. Your partner is happy - awesome - stay with the kid while I meet up with my friend for a quick lunch. Once I started taking care of myself- I started missing my daughter and that was such a relief. I was like “I DO LOVE YOU” thank god.

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Yes you're saying it so well. I see the way my husband looks at my son when he gets home from work and Im like "ohhh I want to feel like that again."

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Agree with the others. Get help asap. Daily long term help, nanny… au pair… whatever. It saved me. Therapist is a game changer too. Sleep train as soon as youre comfortable. Took us 3 days and now i get to sleep properly. Get out, make mom friends, make time for yourself… whatever you can to feel like your own person again. A weekend vacation is so helpful. Stopping breastfeeding too. The guilt goes away and its good for your mental health

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+1 to literally this entire list

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It's not like we didn't know what we were doing. I got off the pill at 30. We got pregnant at 32. It was a surprise since I wasn't trying too hard. We bought a house last year. I finished my epic Europe trip for my 30th bday. We had plans to go to Hawaii to WFH during the pandemic, but that got canceled due to the pregnancy (this is where the resentment started). It didn't matter that he still took me for 2 weeks after for a Babymoon, it wasn't my 6 months of Hawaii life. It was a horrible pregnancy and traumatic delivery, and I'm still healing. I don't want to resent my hubby for throwing a wrench in our fun jetset life, but that's how I feel. Like if he didn't care about kids, then my life would have been more fun right now. He's my soul mate, I simply had to marry this guy. He's wonderful, supportive, takes care of me, provides, very emotional supportive, attractive, successful and does lots for baby care (diapers, night duty, nursery setup). Baby is actually a good baby, eats, sleeps and gains weight correctly. Breastfeeding is hard. Sleepless nights are hard. Seeing my jetset friends and close family (I'm the oldest) on social media is hard. Having no time for myself to shower, think, sleep, or talk to adults, or go outside (thanks covid) is hard. How can someone be so blessed and be such a miserable b*tch? Please help me fix me. I was never like this before.

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Holy cow, you are me. We also had plans for Hawaii. I wanted to put off having kids but my husband is 37 and didn't want to put it off longer. I'm 32 and my baby is 3 months. Second the thought that Zoloft helped. During pregnancy, I was having fantasies of killing myself (after the baby was born, I didn't want to hurt her, this isn't her fault) so that someone else would have to raise my baby, ideally my husband because he wanted this in the first place. His life didn't change much - he's very supportive but I was the one who was pregnant, going to doctors all the time, and even doing the managerial stuff like figuring out daycare, pediatricians etc. I couldn't imagine all the work it would take after baby was born and how much it would impact my life versus only nominally impacting his, and it was the classic story of him thinking he was doing 50/50 because he didn't realize how much work was going on behind the scenes (he was equally showing up to baby appointments, but I had to organize them and make a bunch of implementation decisions) After having two breakdowns in a row at my ob appointments, I went on Zoloft, got a therapist, and started talking to my husband more clearly about how I feel. We are going to Hawaii for a week when baby is six months (my mom will watch her). When I'm overwhelmed, my husband now takes it more seriously - instead of just thinking I'm upset as a one-off deal, he takes strides to resolve the underlying issue. And we've decided to have fewer kids than we thought we would when we got married, because even though I love kids this baby is taking so much out of me that I can't imagine having more. (We both come from large families.) Anyway, you are not alone and there are workable solutions but I had no hope and was suicidal until I got some concrete interventions. If you're in Illinois I can give you specifics. But hugs and it's so hard and it's ok.

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Not sure if this is helpful, but I am also smack dab in the middle of the newborn phase and struggling a bit and this post has been incredibly helpful to me, both because of the great advice that other moms have offered and because I'm feeling a little less alone in my struggles. Plenty of people told me this would be tough but it's isolating and alienating and lonely while it's happening to you. Sending you good vibes, OP. And thanks to all the other moms.

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Couldn't have said it better! Thanks everyone

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Oh, I’m exactly the same way. I HAD to marry this incredible man but I wasn’t prepared to have his babies. Our son is 5 months old now. I do promise that it gets better, once you’ve gotten past the PPD, started exercising and sleeping through the night, and resumed some fun times with your soul mate. It also helps when your baby exits the “potato” stage and starts developing a personality. That said, in my heart of hearts, I still wish I wasn’t a mother. I think I may always feel that way. Fortunately, this is now just a dull fact, not a source of misery or resentment towards my husband. I guess that is good enough?

likeuplifting

I understand. My first was a surprise but if i hadnt gotten pregnant i likely wouldve had kids for my now husband. He is 2.5 and second is 5 months and i didnt feel this way with the first but with the second, i often wish i wasnt a mother. The major difference this time is that with the first, i was free to be my own person. Motherhood is never a parttime gig but with the first we had one date night a week, and one night a week after work where we would go to our own thing and the other will take care of the kid. I also continued my spontaneous plans with friends, girls trips, and focusing on work when I wanted to.  i’m not that point yet with the second kid so hopefully I will start feeling this way once we get to live that life again. Anyway, I recommend talking to your husband and Make time yourselves and friends etc.…

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I honestly found a big mindshift change once all your friends have kids. When you’re no longer ‘missing out’ on the single or childless lifestyle it feels so different. My friends and I prioritize events and trips with our kids and it’s made us much closer than we were before. I try hard to stay connected to childless friends but they’ll never understand in the same way. Hopefully you’ll get to experience the new closeness with old friends soon!

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BCG3. This is a terrific point. I was an older mom and so there was not ine thing I saw a friend doing and thought “I wish I was there”….I’d waited forever to get here. That said. When my closest girlfriends had babies scheduling “family” friendly things be some more common and then easier to feel like “self” with Baby.

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I have nothing helpful to add that hasn’t already been said, but I’ve been there. Your body doesn’t feel like “home” and everything is just off. +1 for quitting breast feeding immediately and checking out Zoloft

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Hi I could have written this after my first. I have two now and can tell you that I absolutely had ppd with my first. I was exhausted with both but didn’t hate my life like I did the first time around. Definitely talk to someone

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Are you me?

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Have you told him this? And a therapist?

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I’m sorry you had a rough day. I hope today will be better.

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I think the first months are hard in consulting/process types like us. I just kept thinking “who designed this process and had it include lack of sleep, hormonal shifts, and learning a new skill all at thr same time!…there must be a better way”. :) Second posts above….find someone to talk to. This stage is hard ….and I find having someone to talk to is key Also join Mom groups to find some nee mommy friends. It may seem like a lot of work….but I’ll tell you having friends in exact same stage of life. Priceless right now Good luck!

likeuplifting

Just chiming in - another mom/wife with a truly wonderful husband and perfect baby, but hated, hated, hated those newborn weeks. Probably didn’t feel connected to my first until he was nine months old. But I talked to a therapist, I took antidepressants and it helped so much. This is all normal and it will pass, but that doesn’t mean you should continue to suffer until it gets better on its own. Follow any and all advice above and don’t feel guilty!! This sh*t is hard!

likeuplifting

Post natal depression talking. Get therapy and you'll be fine.

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Also there is “light” at the end of the tunnel. Don’t think your life is “over” just because you have kids. I have a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old and I travel all the time. We have traveled domestically every month and internationally 2-3 times a year. If that’s important to you, then you guys can make it happen.

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Immediate months post having a baby were the hardest months in my life. What you feel is completely normal. I would talk to a doctor and a therapist. Hugs - being a mother is HARD. It got better for me after the 6 months mark when I started feeling more like myself + the baby started sleeping in their own room.

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